What Your Jeans Say About You

Image via Complex Original

Artisanal Raw Denim

You spend way too much time making coffee for your significant other in the morning. They

want to say something, but don't want to suffer through another lecture about ceramic grinders,

bloom times and how the coffee was imported on a fucking sail boat to limit the environmental

impact. You used to spend a lot of money on old ass bicycles and expired film, but now you're

really into furniture and blankets. You actually love sneakers, but you can never wear

them with your favorite jeans because your jeans were loomed on an 1879 machine that made the

legs super wide. Evidently, miners weren't interested in showing off the sick heel counter on their

two hundred dollar sneakers. You have blisters on your fingers from all that cuffing.

Bikers

You’re a gorgeous woman that smokes cigarettes, but somehow never tastes or smells of smoke. Instead, you taste and smell like dreams. You don't own a motorcycle, but no one ever seems to notice that fact probably because you're a babe. You own seven hundred white T-shirts in various stages of threadbare neglect. You live in Sweden, but spend most of your time in New York.

Or:

You're a guy that works retail that one day hopes his fancy jeans will attract a babe who lives in Sweden, but spends most of her time in New York. It won't work.

Destroyed Denim

You dropped out of college, got in a crazy car accident, made a hot album and never looked back. You used to dress kind of corny and then way too seriously, but now you're kind of killing it. Oh, wait.

Levi's 501s

You still think your style advice Tumblr is going to pop off.

Or:

You had a Macy's gift certificate from your grandma that was burning a serious hole in your pocket.

Or:

You're poor.

Skinny Black Jeans

You wear the same thing every day. All the color in your wardrobe has migrated directly to your feet. You spend a lot of time trying to figure out why your pants won't just fucking stack right. You work at Four Pins.

The Good Kind Of Dad jeans

You wish you were a stylist or an editor. You don't understand how no one ever notices your understated, but studied style. You're really good at describing looks with empty descriptors like "quiet style."

The Bad Kind Of Dad jeans

You're throwing out the first pitch of a Major League Baseball Game. You're also the President.

Carpenter Jeans

Carpenter jeans are most definitely the white people equivalent of NBA jeans. If you see a dude loitering in a pair of carpenter jeans, watch out.

Repaired Denim

Your crotch blowouts got crotch blowouts. It looks like you've owned your jeans for 79 years, but it's really only been three. It's weird because your lifestyle really isn't that active, but your jeans make it look like you stole a religious relic with supernatural properties from Nazis and escaped by sliding down the side of a volcano. Despite kind of hoping your jeans rip, you still get bummed when ketchup gets on them.

Kickstarter Denim

You probably have, like, a programming degree and work in a terrible office. You're one of the cool guys in the company. You wear knit ties and tell everyone about how you hate square-toed shoes. You think wearing a cardigan instead of a hoodie is dressing up. You're a gigantic fucking nerd.

Patchwork Denim

You know how to pronounce every obscure Japanese brand's weird portmanteau name. You know the genealogy of designers that once worked at CdG. You post selfies, but blur your face out. You were among the first 178 people that tagged their selfies "#itme."

Fast-Fashion Jeans

You say you work in fashion, but really you work at the American Apparel or Urban Outfitters in the college town of your state. You convinced the manager to let you style one of the windows. Corporate made you change it within 72 hours. You only own designer...collaborations at Uniqlo and H&M.

True Religion

Your bootcut "designer" jeans were really expensive, but it was worth it because you needed something nice to wear when you go out date raping chicks.

Or:

You're Chief Keef.

Abercrombie & Fitch

You still shop at the mall because that's the only place you know that sells clothes. Some "fag" came up to you and asked where you got your jeans. He kept babbling on about something called "Four Pins" and "alphets" until you beat him up.

Jeggings

You hate summer. I mean, REALLY HATE IT.

JNCOs

You are a god amongst men, Prometheus unbound, our collective alphets merged into one mighty Leviathan.