The Products We Want To Exist In 2014

Jan 08, 2014
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Complex Original

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It is now the year 2014. Weed is basically legal, sweatpants are high-fashion and nachos are now being sold as a self-contained unit. Laziness has become society's most valued trait. But I’m not complaining. Ya boy been lazy. However, there are still tasks in my life that require motion. Not all stairs have been converted to escalators. I can’t even get Taco Bell delivered to my house. It's hard out here and there is progress yet to be made. So, here’s a few products I’m going to need the engineering nerds of 2014 to 3D print out of their collective butthole ASAP.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

1. products2014lead

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2. scarfkins

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Scarfkins

Scarves and napkins have been separate for too long. If you’re gonna hang around my neck, I’m eventually going to wipe my face with you. When you’re casually wasted at the late night hotdog stand, crushing a Polish with mustard, ketchup onions and tobacco, you’re inevitably going to drip that shit on your Drakes cashmur. I’m not stressing, but society says stains are a no-go. I need a brown and/or subtly camouflaged scarf that I can cough up bloody loogies into and use to scrub spinach from my teeth. I see some real potential in a Brawny x L.L. Bean plaid scarfkin collabo.

Possible addition: snap-on travel neck pillow.

3. hoverboard

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Hoverboards

Guys, it’s almost 2015, which means, according to the visionary predictions of Back to the Future, hoverboards are almost here. White kids in the suburbs haven’t been this stoked since dad bought them a new Redline BMX. You’re probably thinking about hoverboards right now, imagining yourself jumping rooftops and doing rad tricks. I'm just trying to make my walk to the grocery store even more leisurely, floating at a moderate pace, six inches above the ground, giving negative fucks about dog poop on the sidewalk.

4. adulyheelys

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Adult Heelys

If the hoverboard thing doesn’t happen A: Fuck Robert Zemeckis, and B: I’m hoping for the next best thing—adult Heelys. If you’ve ever seen some punk 11-year-old eat shit on Heelys at the mall, then you know what joy these wheeled-shoes can deliver. But I am a famous fashion journalist. I can’t be seen in regular old Heelys. I need paint-splattered Margiela Heelys, crocodile loafer Heelys, etc. Take some shoes and put some wheels in them, dorks. I’m trying to coast down even the gentlest of slopes, my dude.

5. matrrescupholder

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Mattress Cupholders

If you’re a real ass adult, you have to purchase an expensive mattress. It’s the law. But if you’ve purchased an expensive mattress, you don’t have any money left over for handcrafted, reclaimed bedside tables. But you still need somewhere to set your bed beers without your asshole cat knocking them over. I feel you. What we need is a bed with built in cupholders. You’re probably thinking, "That's jest a pool floatie, homie." And you’re right, except in this scenario, the pool is life and you’re floating on efficiency.

Possible workaround: Waterbed filled with beer, complete with CamelBak-style straw coming out of the side.

6. CHIABEARD

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Chia Beards

Not all of us have the time or genetic fortitude to grow a bitchin' beard. But even though the rugged Americana vibe is passé, babes still go ape shit for a shitload of hair on your face. I need to be able to paste on some seeds, hop in the shower and grow a beard at a moment's notice. I’m not even tripping if the beard is green, I’ll spin that to my advantage whilst wooing the bomb.com moms in my yoga class.

7. everyjersey

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EveryJersey (App)

Life is like an early-2000s rap video: You’re required to stunt on your crew with the dopest and/or most obscure NBA, NFL, NHL or MLB jersey you can get your hands on. But I don’t have time to track down a Larry Drew Kansas City Kings jersey. I do, though, have an idea I will sell to Reebok for only $746,000. Welcome to EveryJersey, a blank, white jersey made from LED-infused fabrics, to which you can upload any jersey you want. Catch me breaking corny dad ankles at the LA Fitness, using my EveryJersey app to see if I can cycle through Sebastian Telfair’s Lincoln High, Trailblazer, Celtic, Timberwolves, Clippers, Cavaliers, second Timberwolves, Suns, Raptors and Tianjin Ronngang of the Chinese Basketball Association jerseys in the span of a single game.

8. stats

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YouStats (App)

I ball so hard I was banned from that stupid fucking blogger basketball game they had this summer because they didn’t want me embarrassing everybody. Nick Grant had a dream I dunked on him so hard, the impact knocked his stupid flaming basketball tattoo right off his skin, so he had me barred from entering the state. Don’t believe me? Check out my lifetime averages (7 pts, 7 assists, 14 turnovers per 48 minutes) on this nifty, not-yet-invented YouStats app, which has a box score from every game I’ve ever played, pickup, league, intramural or otherwise, since I first dribbled a ball in, like, 93. Now, this technology may not be available yet, but in a few years the spies at Apple and Google will figure out a way to implant a chip into your memory and find this data. The invasive procedure required will be worth it because your stats will be ranked in a database of everyone who has every played basketball ever, and you’ll be able to get an instant replay of that time you totally dunked, but nobody was around to see it.

9. weedvendingmachine

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Weed Vending Machine

Yes, here in the PNW, and for my homies in Colorado, weed is considered a basic human right and is incredibly easy to acquire. But it still takes time to combine that weed with a delicious peach Swisher. I need that shit in the convenience of a vending machine, along with with pre-rolled joints and spliffs. Said vending machines would also include Funyuns, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Otis Spunkmeyer muffins and chocolate milk. I’m not trying to interact with some hippie at the weed store. I don’t need a lecture about how marijuana is all about spiritual balance. Marijuana is about playing Sonic Generations on a 3DTV and crushing an ignorant amount of snacks.

10. virtualreality

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Virtual Reality (Hentai And Otherwise)

Speaking of videogames, where the fuck is virtual reality? I played Doom with a headset in, like, 1996 and figured it would only be a few years until VR was mainstream. You can’t even tell me virtual reality isn’t feasible because the market for anime tentacle porn games would fund the entire industry and lead to some killer immersive gaming experiences. Why would I go jet skiing when I could ride a fucking dolphin in Virtual Wave Race? Why would I do anything else, ever, if I could roll an increasingly giant ball of clutter around infinitely?

11. animalcarriers

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Animal Delivery

Right now, every corny 30-something you know is reading the new Dave Eggers book about how the Internet ruined everything. Corny 30-somethings are usually wrong about everything, but in this case, they’re probably onto something. I don’t need Barack all up in my sexts, which is why in 2014 I’m trying to go analog and have all my correspondences delivered by various woodland creatures. Every major fantasy series includes some sort of animal-slave delivery system, so I know it’s possible. Get me an owl that can go pick up an Enchirito and I’ll never leave the house again.

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