21 Surefire Ways To Make Internet Commenters Butthurt

Take a moment and imagine the behind-the-scenes process of Internet blogging. There are, of course, the writers and the editors, as well as the art departments. But the real driving force behind the product? The people that put in the most work and have the greatest overall impact? The often forgotten about true champions of this business: the commenters. The warriors in the comment section are a people whose value is unparalleled. They keep the proverbial wheel of progress turning with their divine insight and inventive spirit.

They offer sage advice like, "No one will miss you when you’re dead" and, "Your entire life is hot garbage" and, "This is your father. I wanted to tell you that you are the real reason your mother and I got divorced when you were 10." While commenters only account for a small percentage of any site's total readership, they represent 100% of their voice whether the silent majority likes it or not. And what better person to be the voice of the masses than a dude reading on his phone while he pinches a loaf in a Friendly's restroom?

If you write on the Internet like me, you probably face the universal problem of appeasing these comment section gods. Luckily, I've provided a list of 21 bad habits to stay away from when writing for the Internet, so you can avoid upsetting these passionate folks.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.