"Diamonds & Wood" is an ongoing series in which music critic Shea Serrano breaks down the 5 hip-hop tracks you need to hear this week.
There are a few things I know—like, ALL THE WAY know. Those things are:
Don’t buy anything from a grocery store or supercenter like Walmart or Target after 1 a.m. except for condoms.
It’s not that that’s a bad time to buy things in general, it’s just that it’s pretty impossible to buy something after that time and have it not look like you’re going to take it home and try to stick it in your butt. I mean, what guy REALLY needs a hammer at three in the morning? A guy who’s going to try put a portion of a hammer* in his butt, is who.
*You should know that a discussion about what tools would most likely be placed in someone’s butt took place for six minutes prior to me writing the above blurb. That’s a little called doing your due diligence, bro. Learn about it. Incidentally, the most likely to be placed in one's butt: Hammer, screwdriver, socket wrench. The least likely: Miter saw, lathe, the front end of a paint roller.
Drake’s email is not Drake@gmail.com.
I’ve been trying to guess Drake’s personal email for the last two weeks. I've been coming up empty. There’s not even a Drake@gmail.com account. It’s just empty online space. BOO. Drake’s email is also not: DrizzyDrake@gmail.com, Drake69@gmail.com, TheWarmestHug@gmail.com, ChrisBrownIsEww@gmail.com, LadiesLoveCoolAubrey@gmail.com or LotsOLipBalm@gmail.com. Yes, I am assuming Drake uses Gmail.
If you teach a kid how to throw a punch, that kid will eventually walk by and punch you in the cock just because.
That’s a lesson I learned the hard way.
When a woman says she wants you to be more public with your feelings towards her, she does not mean you should post a message on Twitter that reads, “Real recognize real, and I fux wit [NAME] da long way, son!!!!”
She definitely does not mean that.
The amount of funny someone thinks it is when you shout, “I can do all things through 2 Chainz, who strengthens me” is definitely related to how often that person opens a bible.
For sure funny to declare at a sports bar after you’ve finished a giganto-burger, but certainly not funny to say at church after you’ve tossed a crumpled up paper cup into the trash from halfway across the room, which is ridiculous because, DUDE, have you ever even considered how uneven the surface area of a crumpled up paper cup is, father? That I could toss it over ten feet and have it land in an opening the size of a basketball seems pretty goddamn miraculous to me.
And there are things I definitely do not know—like, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT know. Those things are:
Basically everything else.
So, when a person that I know, but am not especially fond of asked me if I wanted to bet on this weekend’s Super Bowl, I did not know what to say. On one hand, I like football A LOT. I am familiar with the game, but not so much so that I have any real inkling what’s going to happen in any particular game. But on the other hand, it’s seemed like a fairly easy way to make $500.
Neither of us knew which team we wanted to chose (the 49ers have Kap and a tight end that’s built like a bus, but runs like a sports car, but the Ravens have Ray Lewis and I’ve been led to believe God loves Ray Lewis more than everyone else), so neither of us did. We wrote the names of the teams down on two pieces of paper, placed them in two separate envelopes, sealed them shut, then mixed them around and grabbed one. The plan is to open them after the game and see which one has the winning team.
I will let you know which team I get as soon as I find out, because I have inflated my own life experiences so much in my brain that I assume you cannot possibly function without knowing these sorts of things.
Oh, also, totes unrelated: I SWEAR TO GOD IF PAM CHEATS ON JIM IN THIS LAST SEASON OF THE OFFICE I WILL MURDER EVERYONE.
Ready for some raps?
1. Juicy J, "Having Sex," featuring 2 Chainz and Trina
Juicy J, 2 Chainz, Trina: Fuck, marry, kill? Go.
2. Problem, "My Last Molly Song Ever, I Promise," featuring Trinidad James and Gunplay
I’m having a hard time figuring out if Trinidad James is any good at rapping. Like, I mean, he’s definitely good at SOMETHING, I’m just not totally convinced it’s rap. The one thing I am kind of clear on is that his creative freedom is somehow attributed to Lil B being Lil B.
3. Lil B, "I'm The Bada$$"
Lil B is adorable. Even his attacks are charming.
4. Trinidad James, "Southside"
If you maybe want to go ahead and incorporate “Southside niggas to the left of me” into your lexicon, go for it. (Real players did so back when 2 Chainz’s T.R.U. REALigion mixtape came out.)
5. Pusha T, Wrath of Caine
That’s a video for a single song, obvs, but I’m using it to tell you that you should download Pusha T’s new mixtape, Wrath of Caine. Spoiler alert: If you were planning to download this tape just to hear Michael Caine rap about crumpets or whatevs, then move along. There are still zero Michael Caine rap songs. Fuck you, Europe.
Shea Serrano is a writer living in Houston, TX. His work has appeared in the Houston Press, LA Weekly, Village Voice, XXL, The Source, Grantland and more. You can follow him on Twitter here.
