The Skirt: How To Avoid The Worst Date Ever

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Don’t Sort Of Meet Her Through Her Mom

If a prime time honey rolls into your place of employment, just say hey! So let’s say you work at the library. It would be weird to look up the books she checked out and then, in a convolution worthy of all the Michael Cera Hallmark Channel movies (they’re coming, trust me), manage to meet her mom and imply that you and her daughter are friends by complimenting her interest in nineteenth century vernacular architecture. Maybe said girl will assume you have met, just out of politeness, but she will eventually figure this whole scheme out and use the situation as fodder for a slideshow on the Internet.

Have A Cool Opening Anecdote To Melt Away Your Anxiety

So, you’re taking her out to eat. Cool! You might be a little nervous, so prepare some neat tidbit to share, like an anecdote about the weird guy you saw en route, who was dressed as a sandwich and throwing his homemade LP, “Pretzelturra,” at various passersbys. Something like, “I had a nightmare this went really badly” is probably not your best option, especially if, as the two of you drive down in a picturesque country road in your car (which, as you’ve handily pointed out, “has rad new truck nuts”), she catches the last rays of the day’s warm orange sunlight pirouetting off the silver zippers of your gun case.

Don’t Be A Freemason

I don’t know how many times I can stress this. Twirling your ring and saying, “Oh this? It’s because I’m a Freemason” is just creepy post-National Treasure. And it will be even creepier in a few years, after Michael Cera stars in Looters of the Lost Cubicle: A Christmas Miracle.

Don’t Make Her Move Tables At A Restaurant Because You’re Racist

You’re at dinner, and everything is going swell and you realize that someone at the table next to yours is of another race. Don’t: Roll your eyes, ask your date, “Can you believe this?” and then signal the waiter and ask to move tables. Do: None of that.

Remember: Telling a Woman Her Shoes Look “Feminist” Requires A Velvet Touch

Knowing you, you’re out with a woman who’s wearing some cool shoes. They might be those Jennie Kayne flats that make girls who work in galleries look like genies, or Ann Demeulemeester boots that make her look like Lydia Deetz. They might be even wedge sneakers! They might be Nike Dunks or even Tretorns! Totally tell her that her choice in footwear knocks it out of the park, but remember that the average girl is probably only willing to be told that her shoes "look, like...feminist” in the most velveteen of dulcet tones. Tread lightly.

Don’t Facebook Chat Her Directly Afterwards

Of course, you want her to know you had a great time. Don’t: Send her Facebook messages like these in twenty minute intervals:

“I had an interesting time.”

“I meant a cool time.”

“Are you still up?”

“What does your house look like?”

“Do you ever watch videos of dogs walking in shoes?”

“Here are my favorites.”

“J.”

“Oops, accidentally sent that.”

“P.”

“That one too.”

“But are you still up?”

If It Didn’t Go Well And You See Her Later, Don’t Put A Tribal Curse On Her

Not all dates will go swimmingly. If you see her at a restaurant a few years later having lunch with her mom, don’t sit at the table on the other side of the restaurant, stare at her and, when your eyes meet, widen your eyes and utter a Wiccan curse.