How To Pull Off A Proper Twitter Rant

Image via Complex Original

On Followers

Let's be real, you need at least a few followers. Twitter, when you have sub-1,000 followers is like space, no one can hear you scream. You can be the funniest motherfucker in Denver, but no one will give a shit because you’re basically talking to seventeen pornbots, your three college roommates and your mom, who thinks Twitter is part of Facebook. How do you get followers? I don’t know man, you have to do some of the work. It’s like I got you the combination to the safe, the gun and scoped the bank out, but you’re bitching about having to find your own getaway car. This generation is so fucking lazy.

Go Corporate

The best Twitter rants are complete non-sequiturs, but the "out of the blue" rant is a pro move that is best left to the Illuminati. Instead, practice on major corporations because if there’s one thing everyone loves, it’s making fun of businesses that make millions of dollars for things like fucking up your macchiato order. Personally, I have taken to ranting about the stellar customer service I received from US Airways. My flight was basically delayed for 8 hours straight. Instead of just canceling the flight, they thought wasting AN ENTIRE DAY AT THE AIRPORT WASN’T AS BAD AS JUST COMING BACK THE NEXT DAY. In those 8 hours I could have driven to New York. I was angry. I was frustrated. But I’m still too much of a pussy to yell at a real person. Conflict is awkward and can lead to things like me getting beat up. So, I yelled at US Airways’ corporate Twitter account. I felt better. They even responded. I replied with swear words and sarcasm. I did not receive a complimentary upgrade nor an apology. Also, "DN" never tried to help. But mad people thought it was funny and my Klout score went up six points. WHO GOT THE LAST LAUGH US AIRWAYS?

Be "Creative"

By "creative" I obviously mean fucking cuh-razy. The crazier you are, the more people recognize your genius, nah mean? Like, for sure, Kanye can make a dope beat. And he’s come into his own as a rapper. Some say he’s like a creative genius, right? All I know is he complains about getting free water on an airplane in a world in which finding potable drinking water is still actually a problem for some people. And yet I find rants like that make me like him even more. Damn, ‘Ye is just like me. He is petulant and arrogant and thinks people actually care about his opinions. He probably even regrets tweeting things sometimes. But I hope he doesn’t regret tweeting his feelings on complimentary beverages on airlines. Because that was super "creative".

Choose Your Topic Carefully

Choose the right topic to rant about. What topics should you rant about? The environment? Gun control? Free elections in the Middle East? FUCK THAT NOISE. Your topics have to be as random and mundane as possible. See the rant one of the guys who created Lost went on all because of Justin Bieber’s hat. HIS HAT. Like, homeboy spent the better part of a day tweeting about Justin Bieber’s spiked hat. It’s fucking brilliant. The hat isn’t even that ridiculous. I mean, I’ve seen more egregious getups in my life, but that’s the key to a proper Twitter rant: Disproportionate vitriol. A yellow hat with spikes worn by a douchey rich kid? NINE HOURS OF ME RANTING ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE AND HATE A HAT ON DECK. I have a few questions for you Damon Lindelof, all of them revolve around Lost and how I didn’t watch that shit at all, but I blame you for people who suddenly really like Twin Peaks, getting all pretentious about TV again.

Beef

There will be people who follow you, who will question your choice to rant. FUCK THEM. RYDE OR DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS. You need to respond to them like Trump responds to everyone like a ‘70s comic book supervillain. Also, feel free to start Twitter beef with anyone. Because if there’s anything funnier than a Twitter rant, it’s Twitter beef. Nothing is better than witnessing adults arguing over Twitter, having to write things like “u wldnt knw wld u?” because of the character limit.

Be Famous

For real. No one gives a fuck about a misguided public rant that ends in embarrassment and retraction. Unless you’re famous. Because we love famous people, but we love seeing them make assholes of themselves even more. So, get famous. And then tweet about how much it sucks when room service fucks up and poaches your eggs instead of serving them over easy.

Humor Or Anger, But Never Pretension

You have two choices when it comes to a rant’s tone: Humor or anger. But never, ever do something like this. We all hate Kanye when he rants like this. Pretentious rants are the worst. The only thing worse than that is complaining about your intellectual property on Twitter. No one cares that some photo you took has a thousand notes on Tumblr with no credit. You need to focus your rage about every aspect of your shitty life into 140 character missives that demonstrate your hatred for all things Costco. Like “FUCK YOU COSTCO AND YOUR ELITIST MEMBERSHIP POLICIES. IF I WANTED TO FEEL EXCLUDED AND JUDGED I’D JOIN A SORORITY.” Or “WHAT THE FUCK COSTCO? WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ONE HUNDRED CUPS OF GREEK YOGURT? #samplesgetyoueverytime”

Make Deletion Work For You

Got drunk and went on a four hour rant about how amazing Bagel Bites are, but how Cap’n Crunch can go fuck itself for shredding the roof of your mouth? It’s cool, just go back and delete them joints. Deleted tweets that have already been screencapped are the hallmark of an epic Twitter rant. It lets everyone know you don’t really want people to know how much of an asshole you really are, but you also DEFINITELY DO. You are an asshole and everybody already knows that. The deletions just confirm your rant came from a true place.

Embrace The Ambivalence Of It All

Remember, you can’t think too much while on the Internet. Impulse control and the Internet do not get along especially when it comes to Twitter. Tweeting on your phone is encouraged between the hours of 10pm to 4am. Take, for example, young Scott P. Brown’s epic Twitter rant that was clearly booze-fueled. When a former Republican Senator tweets "whatever" several times in succession as a response to haters, you know the Internet has won. So, you ranted about how your college’s dean can blow you because of his tyrannical policies regarding drinking on the quad? It’s the fucking Internet, people will forget in, like, seven minutes. Bqhatevwr.