The Four Pins Guide To Reviewing Products Online So You Can Get Free Products

Image via Complex Original

Work Out How You Are Going To Explain That You Got Something For Free In Exchange For Turning Your Blog Into An Infomercial

Technically, according to the United States Federal Government, you have to disclose to your readership that you received a product gratis in return for a review on your site, which sucks because there is no way to say you got something for free without sounding like a shill. Suck it up and just say something like ,“The kind people over at Peasant Pocket Square Co. sent me a few of their squares to check out.” Yeah, it’s lame as fuck, but being a transparent corporate stooge isn’t the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world is actually paying for clothes and tie bars. That's gross.

Copy And Paste PR Email Blasts For Your Posts

Oh man, writing is hard! Especially when you have to describe a pair of canvas sneakers as if they are more miraculous than the fact that the sky isn’t really blue, but just appears that way due to atoms and particles and shit in the air. I know, I’d love to see Hemingway do that too. So instead, just simple ctrl c + ctrl v the body copy in an email the PR rep sent you. Companies could give two fucks about whether you can actually string words together to form a paragraph. It’s not about your talent or unique voice, which you don't have to begin with, it’s about your blog and Tumblr and Twitter and Instagram and Pinterest and Facebook page being way cheaper to rent than some actual ad space. PR copy inevitably talks about some obscure washing process that gives the garment a "lived in, but not broken in" feel. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Nobody knows and nobody cares. That’s for your readers to figure out. All you’re concerned about is the new gear you just got for literally plagiarizing someone else words. I can’t wait to hear your TED Talk on brand building.

Highlight Packaging

A brand is only as good as their packaging. Meaning, if that shit ain’t wrapped in some non-bleached, custom stamped paper folded origami master style to gently cradle that piece of swag, it’s not worth the UPS ground shipping it came in on and you need to mark that shit “Return to budget ass sender”. Throw up an Instagram photo with the caption: “Came home to this!”

Utilize Original Photography

Okay, so this company that has invested countless hours and dollars to produce this pocket square and even thought about the packaging and the font hired a real photographer for some product shots. But forget all that bullshit because it's time to get wild turbo on this product review and take some of your own original photos! Turn up the soft focus and show off that new 50mm lens you got, bruh bruh. And don't forget the weird angles. That shit is, like, artsy and shows the product in a new, much shittier light.

NEVER Return Anything Ever

If you are a real influencer, you will not ever send back anything, even if you get sent stuff on loan for an "editorial". Just leave that shit on the floor for the next 8 months. The PR people won’t care because a true influencer has their product. See the bag above? This bag cost $900 dollars and some PR company thought it would be a good idea to send me one to "review for my readers’ benefit". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? No one has ever given me something worth that much with no strings attached. Oh, except my parents when they gave me four years of college tuition, but c’mon, that shit is LOADED with strings, like guilt and shame and crushing ennui. The fucked up thing is, after, like, 4 months of straight stunting on everyone in the office (I actually had an office job back then), I got an email from a concerned PR rep. They were wondering when I was going to send the bag back. SEND THE BAG BACK? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM? SOME CHUMP THAT HAS A LOT OF FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK OR SOME SHIT? I am going to tell you that I kept this bag and that the next time you see me I will for sure be carrying an awesome English leather brief. But, like most people on the Internet, I am not that gully. Instead, I mailed them their bag back because I am a pussy. But I made those bitches pay for the shipping, because I’m still 1/3 a G.

Make Sure You Talk About How Practical The Item Is

No one cares about some shoe or belt or camera strap unless it’s super practical. You need to write about how your other camera strap fucking sucked and basically made your camera break and is the reason why JJJJOUND hasn’t stolen any of your photos. Explain how the leather is tanned or something and talk about the hardware. COMPANIES LOVE WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT THE HARDWARE. Your attention to detail demonstrates their attention to detail. Mention versatility too. Bitches love versatility. Wondering why you never get laid? You penis lacks versatility.

SHOEZ

This is the most important angle you will ever use when reviewing footwear. Period.

Throw In a Shot Of The Product Used

This is crazy crucial when it comes to prestigious goods and their narrative of getting better as they age over time. People don’t care about how your jacket breaks in, but they are dying to know how your denim looks after a few months. And they NEED to know if some new Nikes are gonna fall apart in six months. You need content anyway and doing "product updates" is the blog version of a clip show/flashback sequence. Show how you use the product and aren’t afraid to get "down and dirty". $300 jeans? Please, I mow the lawn in them. Common Projects? Those are my squash sneakers. People love when you treat really nice things like shit the same way they love looking at car accidents. Also, since you want to remind companies that you always need more free stuff, these updates will jack their analytics with some sick click-thru linkage.

Forever, For Ever Ever

Mentioning how you will own this particular piece of cultural ephemera forever is arguably you most important task. And I mean FOREVER. Say something like, “This particular style, while trendy at the moment, will never go out of style.” Say that you’ll pass it down to your kids or some shit. YO, IF MY DAD GAVE ME A FUCKING POLKA DOT HAT, I’D BE THANKFUL AND SHIT, BUT C’MON SON, THE ONLY THING I WANT PASSED DOWN IS SOME FUCKING CASH MONIES. Your kids don’t need some bullshit waxed canvas anorak. I mean, really, isn’t passing down your shitty genetic code embarrassing enough?

Demonstrate How Seamlessly Products Fits Into Your Lifestyle

Your lifestyle is fucking ridiculous. We get that. You Instagram photos of your amazing bespoke life all the time. We caught that humble brag photo of the shipping box with Japan as the return address. We peeped your Art Basel shenanigans with all those hoes poppin' bottles. You need to talk about how coke white sneakers are practically designed for someone who never leaves their home because all they do is read and write things on the Internet. Take a photo of the products in situ, so you can show everyone that amazing mid-century rug you picked up on eBay nestled between the steeziest potted plants in the world. However, do not mention how your ridiculous lifestyle has no room for peasant ass free gear regardless of its sound logic. Even if, like, seventeen bloggers just got the same skinny ties for free and are all doing "hands on reviews," you still absolutely want that shit. At the very least, you can flip 'em on eBay.