The Skirt: How To Avoid Being The Worst Couple Ever

Mar 06, 2013
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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

Not Available Lead
Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

"The Skirt" is an ongoing series in which Four Pins' resident lady friend, Rachel Seville, becomes the most important woman in your life.

You’ve met a cool woman who looks like she sits at Cafe Select for a living, whose playbook is Jay McInerney’s 1994 profile of Chloe Sevingy, who would rather wear your Sid Mashburn than her Ann Mashburn. And best of all, she’s like, “You’re my number one thing.”

But the battle has just begun. Because if you are going to date her, your friends are going to have to like her. And not only are they going to have to like her, they have to like the both of you, together. It’s not enough for people to say, “It’s so great that you don’t spend all his time on that spreadsheet of dog videos from World Star Hip Hop anymore” if they never see you because you and your girlfriend, who changed your Twitter bio to “always hunting for a skinnier pant,” are always hunting for a skinnier pant.

So now, for your experiential pleasure, here's how to be a couple that no one dislikes—and that everyone even enjoys!

Rachel Seville is a writer living in New York who believes in miracles. Read her blog, Pizza Rulez, here and follow her on Twitter here.

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PDA

No one wants to see you make out, even if you’re not a Conehead. Besides, you guys have, like, hours to do that later on the couch when you pop in a Michelangelo Antonioni movie and turn off the lights and whisper in her ear, “This movie is about the absurdity of longing.” So play it cool when you’re in mixed company, unless you’re James Tirado and you still go on group dates to the movies, in which case going in for the brash grab is the whole point. Quick guide:

Handholding - Okay.

Tongue-waltzing - selfish.

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Don't Miss Her When She's Gone

Obviously you will, but don’t say it. Don’t be all, “Haha, Terpsichore loves the look of guys loafers without socks. She calls them ‘bony pastries.’ But she is my little bony pastry!” Or, “I don’t know if John wants to come with us to this concert. Let me ask Terpsichore.” Or, “I beg to differ. Terpsichore has not seen that movie, per se, but she called it ‘the untimely demise of impartial Beaux Arts mock-documentary cinema, in which we are asked to accept that a few proud WWII aviators are willing to forsake victory for the services of a professional witch named Susan.'"

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Don't Incessantly Tweet At Each Other

The first rule of social media is that no one cares about your significant other. Don’t fill up everyone’s feed with “@watanabemylover thinks i look like Jon Hamm.” What’s that even mean? Do you look like him, or don’t you? Or are you just excited to look like someone handsome? What is this adding to the larger internet discourse, which I am planning to print out in 2018 to adapt into Speed 5: This Time Is Different? Who is Jon Hamm?

Obviously, none of this applies if you are both reasonably famous. Then we’re all about reading your weird exchanges and best quotes and cute moments because we are invested in you. For consideration to be "Reasonably Famous," please tweet a photo of you in a hat at this man, who describes himself as the "masked maverick of insurance savings" with the hashtag #reasonablyfamous. He makes the rules around these parts.

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Don't Ditch Your Friends To Hang Out With Each Other

No one’s going to like it if you’re like, “Ohhh I can’t come, I’m so busy, I’m so in love, the phone is so heavy, can you just page me?” when you don’t even have a pager. They’ll automatically hate your girl, even if you’re the one steering the scooter. Or whatever. Don't neglect your friends and don't tote your loveboat along 110% of the time.

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Don't Get A Dog

A dog is like a kid, but affectionate and uninterested in ever wearing matching bucket hats.

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Don’t Mythologize Yourselves

Maybe you spent New Year's Eve on your dad's dinghy boat in Michigan, but that doesn’t mean you can foxtrot around town all, “We’re so Kimye!” And when you say, “I agree,” your girlfriend should not be moved to be like, “What a Juelz Santana thing to say!” So what if you show up everywhere an hour late in matching Purple Label suits, reeking of gin and mumbling apologies in a High Church accent? It’s your friends’ job, if they so please, to be like, “A regular Amory Blaine over here,” not you and your gal’s.

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You Love Your Bread, You Love Your Butter, But Most Of All, You Love Each Other

At the end of the day, people just want to know you are chill and in love. They don’t want to watch two folks desperately try to make it known that This Is The One! because it’s pretty clear that couple is just trying to convince themselves. It should be clear, to you two most of all, that this relationship makes you happy because together, you are both slightly better versions of yourselves.

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