The 10 Corny Men's Fashion Stories You'll Read This Spring

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Layers are an editor’s favorite topic. The heat generated from friction between layers heats the gulag where Conde Nast keeps its interns. Why do you think September issues are so fat? All those layers, man. But in spring, well shit, it’s too warm for layers. But all I know how to write about is layers. Let’s workshop this. Got it: Light layers! Yes, this works because, you see, some fabrics—your linens, chambrays, even some synthetics (try it in a bright neon color!)—are lighter than you typical fall cloths, like, say, wool.

"Uh, Mr. Editor, couldn't you just wear, like, one regular sweater instead of a bunch of light layers?" Yes, you idiot, but how are you going to write about just one fucking sweater? *throws stapler at head of idiot writer* We need these imbeciles to buy, buy, buy! They need lightweight hoodies! They need anoraks! They need a vast variety of shackets, pullovers and popovers. Jesus fucking Christ! Get this guy out of my sight.

It’s 2013 and even ultra-bros have read enough Style Guy to know flip-flops are no dice, what, with their constant flipping and flopping, etc. “But my feet get sweaty in the springtime, man.” I hear you, brother. Let me see, what can I sell you? Boat shoes? No, nobody can afford boats anymore and if you already own a boat, there could be a domestic terrorist hiding in it at this very moment. Best to avoid that topic. I’ve got it! Espadrilles! That sounds exotic. Wait, huaraches, even more so!

Each spring a bunch of douchebag kids graduate and think they deserve jobs, or that jobs where you wear a suit actually still exist. It’s our task to convince them that a budget-ass J. Crew suit is going to be the difference maker. Here’s the kicker though, the suit should be either grey or navy and, stay with me here, it should fit well. Did you take notes? What, you didn’t get the job? No, no, Jimmy. I’m sure it wasn’t because of your cavernous résumé. You should’ve spent a little extra on the tailoring like we told you. Didn’t we tell you the tailoring was the key?

The polo shirt: So simple, yet mysterious enough that every single year we can tell you “How to Pull it Off.” (Grip from bottom, roll upward over torso, remove neck from neck-hole.) “But I never look like the guys in the magazines,” you whine. Well, maybe you should pin the shit out of the back of the shirt before you leave the house, dumbass. Wait, I wasn’t supposed to say that. Maybe you should lift some weights so you too can look as good as Jaaaaassssson Derulooooooo. *Jason Derulo singing his own name at the beginning of every one of his songs voice*

Every single thing the lamestream media feeds you is predicated on your insecurities, chief amongst them your inability to sperm in a female. And, newsflash dude, you’re more likely to lock it up if your naked body doesn’t look like a melted troll doll. How do you get in shape? Fuck if I know. Let’s ask this jacked celebrity how he got ripped for his new movie where he plays a jacked dude.

Now that you worked out for a week then gave up, but let's pretend you actually got fit for the purpose of this story, it’s time to show off that hot bod at the beach. (See our article: "This Year’s Hottest Destinations You Could Go To If You Were A Real Man With A Real Job That Gave You Real Vacation Days") "But isn't it, like, April? It's maybe 60 degrees out. Who is going swimming?" The moneyed, influential readers we tell our advertisers we have, you fuck. Everybody knows that spring is just the unwanted handskie before the underwhelming blowski of summer. Trust me.

You'll need shorts, which are the preferred swim attire of most men. Again, by now, even your dad knows boardshorts aren't cool and shouldn’t be too long. Or maybe this is an edgy editorial and printed boardshorts are, wait for it…IN AGAIN! And Maybe they're SUPER LONG! And it's kind of ironic, but they still cost $600. No, better play it safe. I'm sure there's a classic American and/or Australian brand reemerging with designs rooted in their riveting surfing history.

For more tips read: "How Short Is Too Short? A Helpful Guide For Every Penis Size"

For some reason spring is synonymous with cleaning shit. The sun is finally out and just starting to peek through your blinds, illuminating the concrete of dust and semen that has built up in your apartment all winter long. Whatever the root, it’s time to edit down the wardrobe, so you have room to buy all the new shit we tell you to.

Throw out anything you haven’t worn in six months. Actually, fuck that. Six months was, like, eight Marvel movies ago.

“Menswear is in a completely different place than it was six months ago,” says try hard #influencer and Four Pins EIC Lawrence Schlossman. He advises to "Toss anything you haven’t worn in six days. The shirt you bought last month is already out of style. In fact, incinerate your entire closet just to be safe."

Khaki suits are the essential of all the essential essentials. No, not actually IRL—just for magazines. Sure, you never see anybody actually wearing them, but that’s only because our circulation is hurting. The khaki suit is just like your other suits, only, uh, lighter! And lighter, as we learned with layers, is always better for spring. Try it with this year’s best gingham shirts. They’re not at all like last year’s. The colors are different, I think.

Hamlet asked this question in the 16th century when he copped his first pair of loafers and the topic has been hotly debated in menswear circles ever since. Let's break this shit down scientifically. I hear nerdy shit is hot right now. Related, I can’t pay you for this piece because I used the rest of our budget to get a 60-word blurb from Nate Silver on the hidden metrics of vanity sizing.

Pros: Cuts down majorly on dreaded ankle sweat.

Cons: Blisters, smelly shoes.

By my math I've concluded that you shouldn't wear socks because nobody cool wears socks, obviously.

America's pastime: Known more to young people as an inspiration for spring trends than for its oddly-slow-for-all-the-drugs gameplay. Shit, well, there's not that many parts to the baseball uniform that haven't yet been fashunized. Hats are always in and last year jackets were a thing. This year, baseball shirts have made a comeback in various minimalist iterations. I guess that means it's time for the pants. Yes, find whatever stupid designer is making tights for men, throw a stripe on the side and a masculine, home run trend is born.