The Four Pins Guide To Attending A Wedding

Image via Complex Original

Dress to Appease, Not Impress

I know this may be hard for some of Four Pins’ readership to understand, but a wedding is not the time to show off your next level style game. It ain’t your day, kiddo. So, hang that paisley sportcoat back in the closet before someone asks you if Scott Disick is your style icon and you have to admit to taking cues from the most emasculated man on E!—a tight race considering the generous screen time allotted to Bruce Jenner, Ryan Seacrest and the ugly Jonas brother.

Your Guest

If you’re lucky enough to garner a coveted +1, think long and hard about who you’re going to take with you. To paraphrase the knight at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, “You must choose, but choose wisely. For as a great date will bring you life, a bad date will arrive dressed like a slut and vomit on your shoes.”

Pace Yo’self

Keep your booze consumption on the slow and steady for the early part of the night. Going top heavy during the cocktail hour is the quickest way to ensure that by the time everyone else is getting ready to hear the cover band play “Shout,” you’ll be lying in the fetal position in a hotel shower getting a little bit softer now all by your lonesome.

But You Do Have to Still Get Drunk

Even your AA sponsor would agree that no man should ever have to do the Electric Slide while sober.

Get Immersed

As someone who was raised Catholic, attending my first Jewish wedding ceremony was life-changing. I left that night determined to marry a Jew, mostly so that I could realize my lifelong dream of getting lifted up on a chair while people dance in a circle around me. And I’ve never even been to a Chinese wedding or a Muslim wedding or a Puerto Rican wedding or a Mormon multi-wedding. Who knows what other cultural surprises are out there beyond the blinding whiteness of my group of friends?

How Can The Speeches Actually Be About You?

The best man’s speech will inevitably recall some college-aged debauchery. The maid of honor will mention how boy-crazy the bride used to be. The father of the bride will make some vaguely threatening jokes at the groom’s expense and he better get some fucking laughs, too. Frankly, if you’ve been to more than two weddings, predicting how these are going to go down is easier than predicting how Amanda Bynes is going to go down (a walk into traffic while wearing a shirt on her head, btw).

Since people tend to conveniently seat all single wedding guests together, so everyone knows where to go for sadness in the ballroom, you can use the speech portion of the night to make some headway with other lonely souls. Laugh together at the good jokes. Roll your eyes at the bad ones. Mustering a tear at any time is pretty much guaranteeing yourself at least a handy from somebody equally as pathetic as yourself.

Don’t Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

Because everyone is watching. And maybe videotaping. You really don’t want to be known forever as the man who did the robot during the Hora. You know how I feel about the Hora.

Befriend the DJ

Depending on the level of Bridezilla-ness at play, the DJ may have been given a strict playlist. If I’ve learned one thing from both my time in a Russian prison and my time as a fashion publicist, it’s that everyone is at least a little bit gay. But if I’ve learned two things, it’s that everyone accepts bribes. So slip the DJ a twenty if you want to hear “Back That Thang Up” later. A fifty will get you the uncensored version.

Avoid Old People And Kids

The elderly just want to talk to you and children are…children. You only have a window of a few hours to get some drinks, dance and find somebody to go home with you. Old people and kids are not going to help you accomplish any of those goals. The only time you should ever talk to an old person at a wedding is if you need them to identify who in attendance is actually your distant cousin, lest you find yourself in a Giuliani-type situation. And don’t dance with kids. Nothing says Herb of the Month like trying to use a kid to look cute.

OK, Fine, You Can Dance With A Kid If You Really Think It’s Going to Get You Laid

But only for a minute. Have some dignity.

Brunch The Shit Out Of The Next Morning

Even if you spent the entirety of the evening talking to a cater waiter about Game of Thrones, show up to brunch the next day acting like you owned that shit and you do it every weekend. When you play the game of weddings, you either win or you're left with only the knowledge that you just sacrificed a weekend, while simultaneously helping to fund someone else’s trip to Bora Bora. Play smart out there, kids.