The Skirt: 10 Weird Things Women Wear, Explained!

Image via Complex Original

Plastic Shoes

$400+ plastic and vinyl and PVC shoes are currently all the rage. Why, you ask? The same reason all our bags have two phones and an extra wallet and three toys and a book and the same book, but in French, and a dog: just in case. Just in case...it rains? Rain stilettos? Yeah. That sounds about right. Plus, they make us look like kids, which is great, because then Lolita is no longer that never-touched book you have on your nightstand to look cool if some blog wants to photograph your apartment. No, it becomes the greatest dating manual of all time. “Fire of my loins!” is the new “Come here often?” And whenever a girl asks you something you don’t want to answer, just say, “Picnic, lightning.”

Leather hats

Ugh, love a little black baseball cap made of tanned rawhide that makes me look like a Full House supporting cast member who put a condom on her head at a rave. NAHT. I’m sure you all agree, women in baseball caps are LEGIT, but make it leather and it’s not just weird—it’s really weird. Not even I can explain this one and I write on the Internet! My best guess is that it’s the easiest way to look like you ride a motorcycle without knowing what a motorcycle is.

High-Waisted Pants

You’ve probably been out with a girl who showed up to your date in pants that sat so far up on her waist that you wondered if it was some kind of political statement about your carnal potential. In the midst of summer, you probably got a drink with a gal in high-waisted denim shorts that were just a whisper away from a diaper. “Baba,” she bleated, her arms outstretched towards a bottle of rosé. Well, allegedly, high-waisted pants make your legs look like lean, low-calorie, totally guilt-free brownies. Wait, I think I got my Lean Cuisine freelance copywriting project mixed up with my Four Pins column. Shit happens. What I meant was, leaner and longer legs in a fabric that is forgiving, like Jesus or NOT my dad after I spilled red wine on his Brunello Cucinelli Fair Isle sweater at Thanksgiving 2011. They also give us gals that torso chalkboard look, which is key when we need to sketch a quick graph to explain why Joey Chestnut can eat so many hot dogs at once.

Peplums

There’s a certain kind of woman who needs a built-in apron. She’s the same girl in your office who still smiles like a duck in all the company outing photos and is always in the office kitchen saying things like, “I dunno, I thought those Miracle Whip commercials were kinda cool! Don’t back down y’all!” You don’t ask her why she does that stuff, so don’t expect an answer on this one either.

Jumpsuits

Women want to look like back-up dancers in Like It’s 2032: If I Came Back As A Dolphin, the Las Vegas showtacular Prince has planned just in case that start-up that makes celestial glitter lollipops doesn’t work out. (PuttiPops: Because i don’t have a cellphone i have a kiwi that howlz "deranged"!) And what’s that mean? Jumpsuits! Whenever some gal wears a jumpsuit, onesie, playsuit, or whatever you wanna call it, some smarmageddon dude asks, “But how do you go to the bathroom?” Um, maybe you’ve never been in a women’s bathroom before, but the only things inside any respectable women’s bathroom are: all the Fruit Stripe gum you’d ever want, the guy who answers all the questions for ChaCha, a wizened woman who hits us with a ruler when we don’t put our hands on our hips in photographs and four puppies to play with when we’re drunk. So, jumpsuits are actually the easiest things in the world to go to the bathroom in, thanks.

Purses That Look Like Grocery Bags

At any given time, there are 2-3 "important" or "it" bags that cost between 1200 insane dollars and 4000 absurd-are-you-a-fucking-idiot bank notes. All other bags, whether they’re $1000 or $100, are knock-offs of those shapes. (Except for this bag I have that’s just a toad. Not shaped like a toad, but a straight-up toad. Because I am a witch.) No other element of women’s fashion is subjected to such mind-blowing, eye-gouging prices and driven by such boring, constrictive trendiness. It’s enough to make you want to start a blog! So why do we do it? Because it’s reeeally easy. It’s like owning a plane. If you own a plane, you can wear a T-shirt that says “MONSTER MOMLOVER” and have a job like vaccinating cats and the entire business world will be like, “Yeahhhh but he owns a plane. He is totes a magnate. Put him on our 30 under 12 list.” If you have a kewl bag, it’s like you instantly know what’s going on in the totally cool world of fashion, even if you’re wearing Lululemon leggings and a sweatshirt emblazoned with some bon-mot about cupcakes. It’s buying your way into being cool, which is, to say, pretty much like everything else in the world.

Around Town Sweatpants

Nothing is weirder, you say, than a woman who purports to LIVE AND BREATHE AND DIEEEE FOR FASHIONNNN, but wears sweatpants or leggings or whatever all around town every weekend like their dachshund Tonsilz just died so they’ve totally given up on life. Listen, women say a lot of things we don’t mean, like “Sorry” and “Sounds great” and “Vegas!” If you could wear your pajamas every weekend and be like, “It’s OK, I am carrying a bag,” wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t you?! Oh right, you do, but for you it's called: "It's OK, I am wearing Tier 0 Nikes."

Fake Pockets

You guys put your wallet and your keys and your phone in your boundless pants pockets, so our tiny fortune cookie fortune-sized pouches seem like impossible alchemy. But that’s because, with our big bad bags, the only thing women need to keep in their pockets is sunshine!

All Different Sizes

You Four Pins fellas live in a world of measuring tape and the soft cupping of a Sicilian man’s hand on your nutsack as he chalks you. Women’s sizing is like a funhouse mirror at a carnival. You wouldn’t care, except for when you’re buying us presents or when you’ve had a bit too much artisan goat scotch at some weird PR party and do your awful little stand-up routine: “And this babe is now a 38 in Céline...but she’s still a 34 in Givenchy! *cigarette puff* Can't a guy catch a break?!” Yeah, don’t do that. My guess is that with a greater variety in design and fit, womenswear designers are expected to do much more tailoring themselves. Or women’s shapes vary more than men’s? Or men’s fashion has a more singular understanding of fit and cut? Ugh. Who cares? Save those questions for your menswear art salon. Holy shit, million dollar idea: menswear art salon!

Not Bikinis

“Why do women wear one-pieces when they could wear bikinis?” says the can of beer that lives inside every man. Because they’re senzuuaalall, duh. They are our classic, sleek, understated, king of cool. I’m totally on board with you guys who don’t get wrap tops, though, because they’re essentially just tit togas.