10 Purchases That Let Everyone Know You Have a Small Penis

Image via Complex Original

A Giant Truck/Giant Motorcycle/Ridiculous Sportscar

The founding members of the classic Small Peen Circle of Shame–along with pitbulls, T-shirts with fire on them and grills big enough to char a whole cow–have proven that, like taking cheap shots at people on the Internet (hey there!), some things never die. Now rev that engine on your crotch rocket in the exact way you fail to rev the metaphorical engine of your lover and ride away fast enough to dry your tears!

A Vespa

We’ll give our European brethren a pass on this one since they’ve had a rough go of it lately, what with The Red Wedding and all. But much like a Speedo, Robbie Williams and surrendering at war, certain things are meant to stay in Europe. One could make the argument that riding around on a Vespa Stateside takes a man of supreme confidence. However, one could also make the argument that riding around on a Vespa Stateside takes a man who has come to terms with his lot in life and just wants to lay it all out there on a very small corner of the table.

Nighttime Sunglasses

Are you a mysterious lothario out on the prowl for a new lover or are you masking the bags beneath your eyes from countless sleepless nights spent wondering what went wrong genealogically? The latter, man. We all know you’re the latter.

Hammer Pants

I’m talking to you, Will.i.am! Nobody likes hammer pants that much! I’m onto you and your trompe-l'œil pantaloon tactics!

A Boost Mobile Pre-Paid Cellphone

Just all-around not doing it for anyone.

A Pet Snake

As far as living vicariously goes, this is probably right above an overbearing stage mother and just below Will and Jaden Smith in After Earth. It seems we all want what we can’t have in this Willennium.

An Axe Detailer Shower Tool

Bro, you’re so manly that even your loofah looks like a power tool. It’s called a "Detailer" because your body is a fine-tuned machine like your car. Except it’s a delicate car that needs two types of brushes, one for scrubbing “extra dirty areas” and a softer one for “sensitive” areas. Heaven forbid you get irritated by a sponge.

Michael Buble Tickets And/Or Pay Per View Porn

Ways to describe both:

a.) Sad

b.) Dark

c.) Desperate

d.) Depressing

e.) Weird when you find out old people have seen more than one

f.) 59 minutes longer than they need to be

A Pledge To Join The NRA

Talk about unimpressive members.

A Penis Pump

By definition, you’re telling people a lot about your penis if you buy a penis pump. I wonder how people feel when they slide a penis pump across the counter for the cashier to scan and bag. Is it like the time I bought Justin Timberlake’s Justified at Sam Goody and told the checkout girl I was buying it for my (nonexistent) sister? And then I sensed that she felt I was lying, so I made an elaborate story about how it was a gift for my fake sister’s birthday and for that reason I was going to hide the album in my car? Maybe even hide it in my car stereo? And then to compensate, I asked when the new Slayer album was coming out, because apparently my reference for “manly” music begins and ends with late '80s/early '90s thrash metal bands? Yes, buying a penis pump is probably just like buying Justified.