10 Things Dads Actually Want For Father's Day

Image via Complex Original

A Day Off

Let's get right to the best thing first because everything coming after this is option B as far as the Dad God is concerned. What we have is a fundamental contradiction in logic when it comes to Father's Day.

Child: "Daddy, we luh you munches and bunches!"

Dad: "Oh word? Thanks for the hug…NOW GIVE ME A DAY OFF WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO ENSURE YOU DON'T GET HARMED IN A POORLY OPERATED SOCIETY FILLED WITH DANGERS AROUND EVERY GODDAMN CORNER THAT WILL GIVE ME STRESS DREAMS EVERY NIGHT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE"

The stress game is so real being a dad. The whole world is filled with jackals and you gotta watch these booger eaters' every move. You make sure they don't eat dirt from the playground or get hit at a crosswalk cause some dude is trying to take a selfie while driving in his Passat so he can throw up a gram with the caption: "Just grinding in this game we call life." That dude is on the road 24/7 no matter where you rest at.

Imma put this in stupid simple words. If you're really good at your job you earn paid days off. If you are good at being a dad it should work the same way. Let us get a day to just be and get various non dad related activities out of our systems. So, totally hit em with the shitty cereal and burnt toast family breakfast and the morning cartoon time with the kids, but then let them do absolutely anything (or nothing) for the rest of the day.

A Bigger TV

"Oh, now you're just being lazy, Skip?" Dawgs, Ain't no one ever in the history of ever been disappointed about getting a bigger TV. You are highly welcome that I recommended this shit. A big ass television is forever cool. The ones they are making now are pretty much doing all the shit that we were promised from Back To The Future 2, so it's probably the best time in the history of life to get yourself a new gigantic television. Even if you're a dad and use your own money, it's still a good gift. I mean, we can front all we want, but it's "our" money until we inform someone otherwise, so let her spend a rack or two on some visual entertainment and NOT one of her ideas. Guess how many of your boys are gonna come over to watch the kitchen get remodeled? Yeah, bruh. Exactly.

Calvin Klein Nope

I know this is supposed to be a list of things we actually want, but I'm a firm believer in knowing what someone absolutely does NOT want is just as powerful.

Cologne? Nah, I already smell good ma. I do not need your smell recommendations. We have already sexed numerous times for years. So many times that I got you pregnant and made us both parents. Don't act like I smell bad now because I know I don't. In fact, I already own several distinguished colognes. If I need a new one I will buy it while I'm waiting for you to get out of the dressing room the next time we make the mistake of going shopping.

A Robe

Honestly, if I got a robe for Father's Day I'd be crazy hyped. I can't speak for all of you, but, I mean, think about it. The best gifts are the ones that you would never buy yourself. A lavish robe would just change your whole vibe after you put it on. It can give you the sleazy "fuck it" steez you may want after a shitty day at the job or maybe you put on some golden era Cash Money and cook some breakfast while you rub William Sonoma artisan sea salts through your palms Birdman style, onto an omelette or some shit. The key take away here is that a robe is pretty much a portal to a whole new level of aspirational fatherdom existence.

Made Up Coupons He Can Actually Use

I've been givien these coupon shits before and whether or not these "coupons" are legally binding is for the courts to decide. If you really want to show how much you care about his fatherly skills with a coupon, then feel free to steal any or all of these super hype joints.

-Does Not Have To Go To Someone's Wedding He Is Not Friends With

-Excused From Some Stupid Thing Your In-Laws Planned

- Leave My Mom Out Of This

Frame It For A Goon, Tho

You probably got some sour ass look on your face after reading this one. Yeah player, I'm talking frames. If you're a dad your time is spoken for before you even get up. Your little studio, den, corner (btw you should have one of those if you don't your whole game plan is Operation Failz) is prolly the least decorated and considered area in your life and yet, that is where you go to unwind. I am speaking on it cause for me I know decorating or improving my creative area is the last thing I get to. My guess is your dad has probably got some shit he hasn't framed or is perpetually "planning" on framing. Let the squad loose on that. If you're a pops, drop the not so subtle at all hint, "I WISH ALL THIS ILL SHIT WAS FRAMED." Your "wolf den" or whatever stupid name you got for it will way look better with some new shit on the walls. Trust.

Hey Ladies Edition : Fellatio With Effort

Ladies, effort is this area is appreciated and will not be forgotten. Don't make your man hole up in the bathroom with the iPhone like it's The Hurt Locker trying to catch the sneak jerk because you are being on that "maybe later" wave. Hook up your mans with some IRL Brazzers dome flows. Ain't nothing on earth sadder than a man having to hide in his own house like some masturbating hijacking hostage because he can't get some attention. Keep the relationship alive and well because once that goes, everything else goes and then you both starting getting fat. I've seent it with my own eyes.

Detail The Car

Real talk. I don't care about cars in the slightest. They get you from point A to point B. Simple. But there is something really nice about having that shit cleaned to pristine private jet levels. Feel me? Like you get into your car and the shit is cleaner than Jada Steven's anal tunnel and you feel like you're off to some major important events. Even though that event is really just going to the store to get kale cause "Damn it, I already told you that Christine and Eric were coming over for kebobs yesterday Skip!" But once you get into the car you're pretty much stoked cause now for at least a week your escape pod is super clean.

Vacation Without The Youngins

We love the kids. We love showing them new places, parks, activities, locations. All that. We also like knowing that Grandma or any other responsible baby sitter can be watching the kids while we go somewhere with the whiz (significant other). Maybe you can't go to Bahamas and that might be a bit too much to celebrate Fatherdom anyways. I've raised a really cool kid and I don't think anyone is gonna buy me a trip to some place where the water is all Corona commercial steez. But, like, a little road trip for a night or two for some R&R would be cool. Dads are easier to impress so don't feel like it has to be some all-inclusive crazy official vacation. Just chillin and knowing the kids are having fun getting jacked up on high fructose corn syrup and ice cream sandwiches with Grampa cuz dude gives negative 300 shits about what they eat is just as nice of a gift.

Online Class / Workshop

Yo yo yo what? Dawg. You probably think I'm talkin wild reckless and smoked a kush blunt down to the end before offering up this one. Let me explain cause this one might be the sleeper hit of the list. On some realness, one of the hardest parts of being a parent is feeling like you are obligated to put the kids first. That means you do what you want AFTER they are good. Now there is some gray area in that, but more or less that can be a very succinct way of what it's like to be a dad. Your hobbies, interests, stuff like that usually become victim to that little line of thinking. So when you get some time to work on them it feels like you just dumped your face into the yay pile on Tony's desk right before the final shootout scene. If you get a class or workshop then basically depending on the schedule you're signing us up for undisturbed time to just do something you're really into. It could be sign painting, Adobe classes, letter press, SLR photography, to name a few. You know what we like. Just don't sign him up for some MMA shit cause that is wild sus and then he's gonna come home after having his face all sweated on by some dude's bonch cause he was in an arm bar for 37 straight minutes.