The Greatest Power Couples That Never Were

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Kanye West & Cleopatra

If Cleopatra was born a few thousand years later, we’d be refreshing TMZ to learn the sex of Kanyepatra’s baby instead of KimYe’s. Yeezus already thinks he’s a pharaoh and probably has prospectors location-scouting where to put his pyramid slash final resting place. Plus, Cleo’s cameo in the “Power” video would have been the final push The History Channel needed to finally start airing music videos.

Chris Bosh & Neytiri from Avatar

Lanky frames, long necks, other-worldly facial expressions—Bosh and ‘Tiri are vaguely humanoid at best. If Bosh grew his hair out for ponytail sex, their kids would literally be the Monstars squad from Space Jam.

Bear Grylls & Sacagawea

Both have lived outdoorsy existences that involved burning off leeches and holding strong opinions about pine cones. These two could map out every inch of the globe faster than Google Earth, traveling on the ground and living off the land like cartographic Vietcong. Their first child’s name would translate to: “conceived while waiting for mole rat to roast and parents’ urine to chill”. It’s way more elegant in Shoshone.

Justin Bieber & Mary Poppins

The baddest kid you ever babysat and the undisputed nanny heavyweight champion to ever hit VHS (strictly platonic, of course). Putting these two in close quarters would be like pitting Cesar Milan against Cujo to see who’d be pack leader. Only one can survive, and my milk money’s on Poppins whipping the Beibs into shape. Plus, it’d be dope to see them sing about abandoning a monkey in Germany to the tune of “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Drake & Anne Frank

I swear to the man in the sky this isn’t in bad taste. Anne Frank is the only girl who could force Drake to put his emotions in perspective. Laying five tracks a day for three summers to get out of your mom’s basement isn’t half as bad as writing in a diary to kill time while you wait to be emancipated from an attic.

Adam & Eve

But not the first woman—she already blew humanity’s shot at chillin’ naked in gardens. Naw, let’s get a redo with the Ruff Ryders’ first lady. Eve seems like a no-bullshit negotiator who’d take to cursing out an evil snake like children take to bum-rushing an open fire hydrant. Two bear paws up!

Walter White & Madame Curle

I can see it now: a shared chemistry lab complete with “His & Her’s” Erlenmeyer flasks, tickle fights while they wait for their fungi to culture, picking the kids up from alchemy day camp, et cetera. Let’s hope they keep their hands off each other long enough to cure cancer. Or invent the next Doritos flavor.

Samson & Rapunzel

Two mo’freakers who know the importance of maintaining their tresses. Samson’s strength was tied directly to the length of his hair, which his former boo-thang, Delilah, chopped off. Rapunzel was stranded in a tower, sweating whether she’d die a virgin, while her hair grew at the rate of six inches per hour. Together, they could take over the world with a two-pronged PR attack consisting of Pantene Pro-V banner ads and romance novel covers.

Jadakiss & Typhoid Mary

EHH HEAAAAA!

Lil' Wayne & Jayne Austen

Austen’s Pride and Prejudice starts with: “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.” But biddie-smalls didn’t believe that shit, otherwise she wouldn’t have friend-zoned her gentlemen callers. Weezy, the mind behind “Alphabet Bitches,” is a lothario girls throw themselves at, but can’t pin down. But reverse psychology is a bitch you can’t shake and Tunechi would find it impossible to resist Austen’s aloof sass, icy hauteur and, no doubt, GIF-worthy facial expressions.

Cain and Abel & Mary Kate and Ashley Olson

It makes sense: sisters who think they’re the center of the universe and brothers who didn’t know any better because they comprised 50% of the population. Cain allegedly killed Able out of jealousy—some shit about sheep or whatever. But replace those sheep with two girls who aren’t your sisters and paradigms shift considerably. Cain’s not gonna clap Able for Mary-Kate when he’s already bedding her carbon copy.

Lindsay Lohan & Sigmund Freud

Nothing like setting up a dude with mommy issues with a girl with daddy issues. History is littered with muse-thinker relationships, but Freud having 24/7 access to LiLo would make him the most prolific head-shrinker this side of reality. And after Freud inevitably failed to cure the wreck that is Lindsay, he’d spend the rest of his life counting the hours until their next conjugal visit at the Betty Ford Center.

Napoleon & Maria Sharapova

Napoleon, reportedly 5’2”, would look like Maria Sharapova’s dildo if they were ever seen together. But opposites attract, and they’d have plenty to talk about since they’re both hell-bent on domination. What’s more, she’d be the first Russian he successfully conquered—a fact he’d brag about to his dictator friends on Risk game night.

Marco Polo & Angelina Jolie

Who better to combine forces with a man charged with collecting baubles and trinkets from as many countries as possible than a woman who collects children from as many countries as possible? Imagine the oriental swagu those kids would prance around in, holding hands and singing hymns like the traveling, real life version of the It’s a Small World ride.

Frida Kahlo & Borat

One’s Mexican, the other’s wherever Kazakhstan is located, yet Frida’s unibrow and Borat’s mustache are virtually interchangeable. Both were known for disturbing passersby through action and appearance for personal giggles—textbook trolls. Imagine the havoc they could wreak at the Republic National Convention with a belly full of baklava and tequila.