The Most Useless Summer Purchases of 2013

Image via Complex Original

3D Movie Tickets

My dude, if you aren't aware that 3D movies are the biggest scam since Bernie Madoff then you and I need to have a little chat about who the fuck you are and why you can't seem to think straight. 3D movies are especially wasteful if you live in a major city, where regular ass movie tickets are already upwards of $20. What's the point of paying extra to strain your eyes, get a headache and look like a gigantic nerd the entire time? You know what else is in three dimensions? Disapproving women in sundresses and warm beers in your hand.

Baby's First Designer T-shirt

If you've been dying to get your hands on a new designer T-shirt, summer is not the time to procure your first. You are just going to sweat through it, which means you will have to wash it a lot, which means it will fade, which means it will be useless after a month, which means you will kill yourself.

A Citi Bike Pass For Any Duration

My, my did the Citi Bike novelty wear out fast. I swear it seems like everyone on of these these clunky blue chariots either must have a fucking death wish or are a complete sociopath looking for an exciting new way to rack up victims.

Panama Hat

Not only are Panama hats only appropriate for tropical settings, but you will honestly look like a straight asshole in one no matter how cool you think you appear. Any accessory that can make Jay-Z look like a total loser will most definitely make you look like the biggest loser of all time.

Expensive Beach Accessories

The quickest way to be laughed off the beach or out of a pool party is to arrive at the function with a black, inflatable shark you spent a grip on because "it's Wang!" You and your scorched earth policy thighs will be kindly asked to get the fuck outta here forever.

Beach House Share

At first glance, a beach house share with your besties might seem like a great idea, but trust us on this one. You're going to be packed into a 3000 sq. foot house with 15 disgusting people who are puking and shitting non-stop all weekend, while you end up sleeping on the floor, using an empty Doritos bags as a pillow.

Expensive Mandals

Sandals, expensive and/or otherwise, are gross because nobody ever needs to see your feet, which only makes expensive, designer mandals an even dumber purchase. If you really NEED to show off your feet that badly, you're probably hanging out on the wrong website.

Jorts

Jorts are one of those items that are sure to garner a few legitimate laughs from your friends, which is why you probably bought them in the first place. Just remember, they're laughing at you, not with you. And don't bother chopping up your most fucked up jeans. They look great as is. Converting them into shorts is a lot of effort to go through just to promote abstinence.

A Juice Cleanse

Juice cleanses have been marketed to young urban professionals over the past few years as the Messiah of diet trends. You see, if you don't eat solid food for 3 days, you will lose weight! Isn't that revolutionary? Granted, the main point of a juice cleanse is to "reset" your digestive system and "flush out toxins," but we both know the minute your $220 3-day cleanse is done your ass is diving into a kiddie pool full of McNuggets.

Tank Tops

While we thank you for just BARELY covering up your nipples before walking outside, no one wants to be sitting next to you at brunch and have to worry about your armpit hair becoming an unwelcomed garnish on their eggs Benedict.

Anchor Print Anything

Anchor print pants, anchor print shirts, anchor tattoos, actual anchors—all things that are only appropriate if you are a sailor, which, obviously, you are not. It's time to say bon voyage to this shit forever.

Gym Membership

Walking into a gym when it's a beautiful day outside just seems wrong. I'm always perplexed by people on treadmills in June when its 80 degrees outside aka optimal temperature to get your run on. Why pay $150 a month to get your swole on inside when you can pay $0 to not be a douchebag outside?

Espadrilles

Espadrilles last for a week before they rip and smell like putrid garbage. Buying a pair is basically like co-signing wastefulness.

Outerwear On Sale

Sure, that winter jacket might be on crazy discount in July, but remember, it's there for a reason. No one wanted that shit when it was seasonally appropriate and no one should want it now. In 4 months when it's actually time to buy a winter coat you'll see something you like way better, but now can't afford because you just couldn't hold your load.

Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville Margarita Maker

Yeah, this shit looks bomb, but beware. We copped one for the office thinking we'd run the happy hour game only to get ostracized in the process. Save your money and avoid turning into a social pariah.