#Harshtags: Part II

Image via Complex Original

#IBROWSE

Has this scenario ever happned to you?

You: "I went shopping today."

Friend: "Bullshit! Lemme see a pic of that shit."

Yeah, I figured that scenario has never gone down once in the history of all eternities. So let's just not with these "I'm all the way turnt up in this H&M" lookin ass selfies.

#NOWPLAYINGYOURSELF

I would completely ride with this if double tapping the photo of the screen capture of your iTunes made the song play IMMEDIATELY. I would also completely ride with a feature that if you double tapped a pic of someone's food post, a robot leg kicked them straight in the dick no matter where they were in the world.

We all luhhhhhh music dawgies. Das real. But let's be a little more practical with this shit. If you truly want someone to listen to a song you are #np then send that shit to them. I do that all the time. How else do you think Migos blew the fuck up?

#ARTMISDIRECTION

You are just proving what we already knew long ago. You're not just another person with a smart phone, you're the world's next best art director waiting to be discovered. You unintentionally have become a social #influencer with over 197 followers. The camera phone is your brush and your shitty filtered photos combined with your college freshmen slam poetry level captions are your masterpieces. Your carefully curated profile makes you about as much as an art director as toasting a Pop Tart makes you a chef.

#MANOFLAUGE

Seeing a lot of Call Of Retail Duty dudes running around like we cant see you. I shit you not, I walked past a store that I actually buy stuff from and they had a head to toe camo outfit on the mannequin complete with a camo bucket hat in the window. Camo had a good run. A decent run even, but let it fall back. Don't clog up the feed with your G.I. Joe Retaliation fashion flows. Honorable discharge your camo items to the back of your closet where no can see it <----see what I did there?

#THESUNSETSARETOODAMNHIGH

Instagram got us thinking that everyone creams themselves over sunsets. I have no idea how sunsets managed to become the chick's butts of nature photography, but they did.

Listen sun, set your phone down with this not interesting for infinity non-sense. Can we go back to that analog life? Enjoying shit for the sake of enjoying it? We are all gonna die. That much is true. What happens after death is debatable. That being said, I feel like the first question Saint Peter is gonna ask us is not going to be, "Yo dawgie how come you ain't got enough sunset photos on your IG feed?" We don't have a quota to meet.

#POV

POV stands for Plenty-Of-Violators. I am pretty sure even your boy took one of these stupid joints. I, of course, redeemed myself by doing some extra fly wavey-ness after the fact, but even the Lord of Slander hath violated. I think we all think people give a shit about our feet. They don't. We don't need a survey or a poll. It's wild unanimous. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT PICTURES OF OUR FEET, EVER.

#GYMFLOWS

Gym pics are the Sustlemania XXV of Instagram. The worst of the worst. I'd rather watch a kitten suffocate to death than to let dudes think posting these gym joints is acceptable social media behavior. The psychology, if there is any, is highly flawed. You want to attract a female by showing her you are in peak physical condition. And yet the only persons that actually enjoy these are males that fancy males. Now if you also like males then by all means go get 'em plehbwoi, but for the sake of IG dignity can you keep those pics for when you're doing some late night simp texting? I'm trying to not see you flexing with ear buds and a tank top and along with some new bench max out caption.

#DEEPTHOUGHTS

Doing this is like forcing people to read bumper stickers on their phones. Posting quotes is crazy annoying. Nobody cares even if the shit is deeper than Channing Tatum's v-neck. Lord help you if you post some quote on that achey-breaky heart vibes. If you wanna kidnap someone and make them read Morrissey lyrics that's on you dawgie. You can't be forcing all your friends to go swimming in the pools of your poetic pains. I think quotes have a place in this world in. Those places are in articles and IMDB. Feel me?

#WHATCHYADRINKING

In the first Harsh Tags I mentioned how there was ill amounts of people posting flicks of drinks on tables. Most of those pics were of some shitty bar on some "I'm pretty much a modern day Bukowski." Sure you are dawgie, minus the ability to write well and the fact that you're a freelance graphic designer that bitches about how Google Maps lead you on the wrong bike trail and totally cock blocked your amazing Okcupid date. Now folks are taking the drinks being on the table out of the equation and just holding their drinks in their hand like your Arizona Iced Tea is some precious baby koala. GTFO here with this. If you're sipping on coffee that's cool. So am I. But let's see if we can maybe not document every time a beverage gets in our hands.

#SUS-PENDERS

Welp...you finally did it. You won #menswear. You are clearly outshining all those haters by donning a pair of suspenders like some well dressed apothecary store clerk. We know you take the fashion game serious and it shows. You paid $14 dollars to stunt on the masses. You are forever staying strapped up Dennis. Now if you could so kindly stop taking pictures of yourself posing like you're Don Draper mixed with the lead singer of The Black Keys and realize that suspenders are not the crowning achievement of human history that would help out the rest of us.

#UNSOLICITEDLOOKBOOKMODEL

#OOTD #S/S2012 #DROPPINGSOON #IM A JACKASS PLAYING DRESS UP BY MYSELF BECAUSE I'M ON XANAX AND HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO THE WEEKND TOO MUCH

It's one thing if you are handsome/pretty/alien looking enough to be asked to model some clothes for a brand. It is an entirely different sitch when you do the shit for free, unsolicited, one deep, by yourself like you're living out some Taylor Swift A$AP Rocky mash-up song. Logic tells us that one should never pre-meditate a murder or an outfit solely for an Instagram photo. Both things are gonna make you guilty one way or another.

#PIXARLATED

Not sure how this shit is even possible, but apparently people are like "oh this picture doesn't look like I took it with a fucking Gameboy." Then they post it up with 17 filters. If you don't know what resolution is please use this link.

#CAMERAPHONEPRESSPASS

You're at a Pusha T show for a streetwear trade show afterparty. You secured 14 of the VIP bracelets and managed to get into the venue with a bunch of dudes wearing the brands they work for head to toe, or they are dressed like lumberjacks that listen to rap. You snap 14 photos of this amazing musical moment. Each picture looks about as good as the one photo we have the Lochness Monster. You post that it up with a the black and white filter, white background, contrast on blast and then caption it with "My boy @pusha_T killing this secret show" Thank you for documenting this sacred moment of musical history — without your photographic journalism, the whole world might not ever have known that you, Bryce, were in fact there.

#DEADALLOVER

All over print didn't die, it just upgraded to some 2.0 disguise. Some people are trying to convince you that just because they printed a whole shirt that looks like an Apple screensaver that they are the power playaz in the fashion world. I've seent that tree frog shirt, and the only place that shit would be acceptable to wear is at the tropical cocktail bar at The Rain Forrest Cafe. Paisley, leopard, cheetah, florals, fat naked renaissance chicks, Rottweilers and whatever other crap you wanna throw in on your full front sublimation shirt turnt art piece can catch the L train to Dont'sville.

#BRUNCHBROS

If brunch were a dude with a steady job, every girl on earth would marry it. Chicks love brunch more than love saying sideways shit about Stacy because she just got bangs and "they are so not right for her face type." There's no way we can stop girls from posting brunch pics. Dudes posting brunch pics, though? You are basically dipping your toe in the #gymflows pool with that nonsense. Brunch is not special. It's a late breakfast with booze. Not even proper booze. It's champagne with orange juice in it. The shit tastes like luke warm Kombucha. If you post a brunch photo then you better be able to throw hands.