The Best And Worst Dressed (And Most Heavily On Drugs) At The 2013 MTV VMAs

Image via Complex Original

One Direction

Haters mad because these dreamy lads actually dress like rock stars. Zayn’s leather and white tee and smoky eyes and wry smile are all on point. Harry is even dressed like fucking Mick Jagger. (Go back check the black and white Mick pics you reblogged on your Tumblr that you captioned “timeless style”.) Okay, Niall actually looks like a teenager. He’s just happy to be there and gets a pass for being Irish.

2 Chainz

Tity Boi understands this environment and his role in it. At a time when rappers are wearing tighter and artsier clothing each day, the 35-year-old is a throwback to when hip-hop was about REAL Versace’d and Gucci’d out excess. Every time I remember dude is 35, I wonder if his existence is really a genius social commentary experiment on luxury. Then I realize I need to smoke wayyy less weed.

A$AP Rocky

Rocky’s strangely minimal outfit hasn’t been a major talking point mainly because people have forgotten who he was since last year’s ceremony. I wasn’t sure who was standing next to Jason Collins until he opened up his mouth and yelled, “Trap Lord in stores,” wondering what the hell he’d agreed to be a part of.

Willow and Jaden Smith

No sarcasm, Jaden was the best-dressed guy at this entire shindig. The kid’s fit was age appropriate without employing the “he’s a teenager he can do whatever” safety net to go off the rails. I’m not even about to judge a 12-year-old girl’s style choices and Willow obviously gives negative fucks what we think. Both these kids carry the undeniable steez of someone who knows they’re going to live out the rest of their lives in a space volcano.

Kanye West

Kanye wants you to think his shadowy performance was a political statement, but really he’s just hiding how much girth keeping up with a Kardashian has added to his midsection. The "Kanye slump" is the new "Kanye shrug".

Selena Gomez

The Internet Commandments state you can’t say anything about someone if you don’t have something negative to say, so let’s just bask in the glory that is Selena Gomez and be thankful for America.

Kendrick Lamar

Props to Kendrick Lamar for pretty much sticking with his claim to only rock tees and Nike Cortez’s. If you’re thinking this outfit is too casual for an award show, remember this is an award show where someone once wore a dress made of steak. Glenn O’Brien the OG says to overdress so it looks like you’ve got somewhere better to be afterward. Kendrick somehow achieves this while looking like the better place to be is on the couch playing NBA2K with his boys.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

As the second best Washingtonian Four Pins writer, nobody has been asking for my official statement on Macklemore, but here it is: Macklemore is not tight. I’m down with getting the kids to talk about equality, but can’t we just like give them a book about it instead of really shitty pop rap? Plus, dude loses 1 trillion points for not having his fingers Tupac-correct when throwing up the westside and another trillion because that’s probably some lame intentional herb statment against gang culture. Ryan Lewis loses a billion points for picking up that jacket at Topshop right before the show.

Justin Timberlake

The 32-year-old got the modern day legend treatment last night, giving us more of his music than I’ve listened to collectively over the past five years. The only thing surprising about Justin’s performance was the fact that he’s still really into fedoras like this was the 2003 VMA's.

*NSYNC

Respect to JT though for realizing he has proven himself enough that once again associating with his ex-bandmates wouldn’t ether his cred. The dudes finally gave fans the reunion they’ve been asking for (without even doing any of their best songs), so now the issue can rest and Chris Kirpatrick can get back to his burrito. The flurry of vintage *NSYNC photos this reunion unearthed is a solid reminder that pop star fashions never seem that terrible in the moment, but will ALWAYS be laughable in a roughly a decade’s reflection.

Richard Simmons

Apparently still alive, Richard Simmons could definitely help 'Ye get back in shape, not to mention he’s already dressed in Kanye's next spring look. If this outfit was black and white, you'd probably ask yourself, "Wait, when did Richard Simmons go street goth?"

Robin Thicke

Robin Thicke was way better when he just went by "Thicke" and was in Sprite commercials. Now he’s in music videos that are really headphone commercials and makes it really hard not to concede to making a Foot Locker joke.

Miley Cyrus

Why are so many girls mad at Miley? Don’t even act like you didn’t blast "Party in the U.S.A." The same women lauding Lena Dunham for making bad decisions “just like real life!” and regularly getting naked in a scripted performance are trashing Miley on Twitter for doing the same shit. Don’t let the struggle of your first real job make you bitter about having fun. I was wilin’ when I was 20 too and if ya boy had millions of Disney dollars on deck I would’ve been wiling a million times wilier like Miss Twerk USA.

Erin Wasson

Really though Miley, here’s how an actually sexy, adult woman does a provocative, but not trashy dress. It’s okay, you’ve got a lifetime to figure it out.

"The Unknown Soldier"

I have straight up no fucking idea who this is and please—PLEASE— don’t tell me in the comments because I really couldn't give less of a fuck. If you can identify this dude, I don’t need you reading my stuff.