The Best And Worst Dressed (And Most Heavily On Drugs) At The 2013 Emmys

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Imaginative storytelling is thriving on television, but the Emmys still suck. This year’s ceremony was on CBS, which is—think about this shit for a second—America’s most-watched network. Yet, sadly, NCIS won no Emmys this year. Therein spreads the widening gap in modern television that makes the Emmys so weird: the space between the actual art taking place in the medium and the shit fed to old people by the decaying major networks. “Hey, America,” the Emmys say, “Look at all these great shows you haven’t seen because you can’t afford HBO.”

But there’s another troubling disconnect at the Emmys which makes it difficult as someone writing for a site mostly about menswear: that between the mostly gorgeous, competently dressed women and their sad, baggy male counterparts. In a perfect world you wouldn’t be allowed on TV if you couldn’t pick out clothes that fit, but that’s a world that only exists in Mad Men (solid fit being about the only quality to endure the show's now tired run.) Unlike the VMAs or Grammys, there weren’t even ridiculous outfits to comment on, just an industry leading blandness befitting of CBS. I would have fallen asleep with one of Doogie Howser’s musical numbers on mute if I weren’t staying up for Breaking Bad. But hey, Jewel was at the Emmys, so it wasn’t all bad. Fucking love me some Jewel. Let’s dig in.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

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2. 1elizabethmoss

Elizabeth Moss

Top of the Lake was one of the best things on TV this year and you guys probably didn’t even watch it because you’re not artsy and smart and probably don’t even know who Jane Campion is. The Piano is on Netflix, brah. Check it out. Michael Nyman’s score is my jam forever. And Moss wasn’t even the best part of Top of the Lake. Holly Hunter spouting poetic nonsense like me when I’m stoned and doing yoga was the best part. But Holly Hunter wasn’t nominated and she probably doesn’t care because she's won an Oscar and if you win an Oscar you can wipe your ass with an Emmy. Also, Faramir was in this show, which was set in New Zealand, just like LOTR. Good shit all around. Anyway, Elizabeth Moss looks great, but, dude, did you know she’s a sneaky Scientologist? Weird, right?

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4. 3lenadunham

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LL Cool J

I normally rag on 98% of hats, but I give props to LL for sticking with it for so long. This dude is 45 and looks 30. If you can survive 100 episodes of NCIS: Los Angeles you’re pretty much immortal. I attribute LL’s youthful glow to the energy that radiates from Chris O’Donnell as a result of being in the last good Batman movie.

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Peter Dinklage

Peter Dinklage knows I’m struggling not to make a little person joke and he knows I feel bad about it. He already won an Emmy for his stellar acting on Watch the Thronez, so what else is there for me to say? Only that there may be a small fortune to be made in the very niche market of tailoring for little people.

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Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna

I loved you guys as parents on Veronica Mars, but those glasses and those lips symbolize everything that is wrong with our obsession with youth. Kids, if you get famous, either kill yourself at 27 or just accept age and try to do it gracefully.

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Jim Parsons

It pains me to say this dude from The Big Bang Theory actually looked pretty decent. I know old head blog trads might say his tux is too skinny, but those lames don’t read The Pinz because they are not hip and with it. And you know what? That show may be a monstrosity of terrible that minimizes nerd culture into mainstream friendly one liners, but I guarantee Jim Parsons slays a grip of corny, hot white girls, so more power to him. Oh wait, he’s gay? Scratch that. A grip of corny, hot white dudes it is.

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Kevin Spacey

Keyser Söze doesn’t care if notch lapels are a faux pas because he was nominated for a job he probably didn’t take seriously because it aired on the Internet. If I may call back to the my super insightful intro: Is there a better symbol of network irrelevance than the fact that no major network show was nominated for best drama, but a fucking Netflix series was? I didn’t watch House of Cards because it sounded boring, but Spacey is a G and I don’t care what you say, K-Pax was tight.

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Nolan Gould

I had to Google bro to find out he was from the loathsome Modern Family, but showing up with a cast because you tore a ligament rubbing it out to pictures of Sarah Hyland is baller. Almost as baller as telling you friends you tore a ligament fingerblasting Sarah Hyland. Hyland has a monologue about being addicted to ADD meds in an episode of SVU that is better than all the acting in the entirety of Modern Family, so this kid is aight by association.

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Asher Monroe

The usual preface: If you actually know who this person is, please leave. I almost wanted to applaud this guy for doing something almost interesting, but I that just sounds like some shitty GQ feature about how wearing puffy anything under a jacket seems like a good idea until you actually try it and can’t move your arms and then drown in your own sweat.

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TEEN GURLZ!

The daughter from Mad Men who is, like, 8 and the daughter from Homeland, who was given a storyline beyond her means in a terrible second season, both looked better than most of their adult counterparts because they’re young enough to know the Emmys are irrelevant to relevant people and it didn’t matter what they wore. But they still wanted to look good enough to hit some hip teen actor rainbow afterparty where there would be keister B-grade molly though.

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Breaking Bros

These guys looked pretty alright as they usually do, but their big win was weird because most people were watching the super-sized penultimate episode of Breaking Bad rather than the Emmys. We on the West Coast had the misfortune of being able to see the Emmys in their entirety before watching Walter White head off the grid in New Hampshire. Breaking Bad is obviously the best, but I’m kinda stoked to see Aaron Paul move on to stealing some of Gosling’s roles and getting the Hollywood cheddar he deserves.

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Merritt Weaver

Nobody’s actually ever seen Nurse Jackie and I'm not sure peeps realized she's also Schmidt's new chubby on New Girl, but a million props to this chick for not only giving the fewest fucks ever in an acceptance speech, but also for mean mugging on the red carpet. When nobody knows who you are, you’re free to do whatever, and maybe there’s some sort of profound Mr. Jones type lesson in there, but homegirl was probably just thinking how fucking stupid the Emmys are just like the rest of us.

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