Imagining North West And Blue Ivy Carter's Future Friendship Milestones

Image via Complex Original

The First Meeting

Baby Blue Ivy—saddled with Carter lips and Knowles hips—cruises through Bel Air in the third of a procession of eight identical, deadstock Maybachs (a page lifted from the Book of Obama to confound insurgents and paparazzi). The caravan glides through the open gates of the West x Kardashian Estate and up the serpentine driveway, past fountains, flowers and hedges in varying states of trim. Once at the house, two members of the French Foreign Legion—gifts from the Legionnaire—open the car doors and escort Blue, Jay and Bey into the palatial main house. Blue Ivy looks bored. They walk through a maze of hallways, past still-wet Banksy stencil paintings of the young scion and up to the nursery. The Carters are announced and the Wests stand out of respect. North is swaddled in Kim’s arms. Beyoncé picks Blue up and presents her to North. North West, previously asleep, jolts awake when Blue comes close—a gentle nudge from on high. The two girls lock eyes for the first time. It goes unspoken, but all present know: This is the last friendship we as a society will ever care about, the yardstick by which to judge subsequent BFF unions.

The Early Years

Being inseparable, but living on different coasts, Blue and North’s daily play dates account for 19% of the world’s carbon emissions by their fourth birthday. The two host tea parties in gazebos of pure Amazonian marble (the last of its kind). Au pairs sit by idly as Blue, North and eight lucky stuffed animals chat amiably about everything from teething rings to Margiela S/S 18. A panda bear in a double-breasted vest and spats brings up the topic of truffles. After a short debate, Blue and North deem truffles “yucky” and the panda is escorted out of the party before being executed.

Starting School

Jay, Bey, Ye and Kim explain the concept of school to Blue and North. After mulling it over acai popsicles, the girls decide it sounds “perhaps a bit tacky,” but agree to appease their parents and enroll.

High School

By high school, Blue and North have declared the entire cafeteria “their table,” forcing the administration to set up a satellite eating area in the gymnasium. Despite being born 18 months apart, the girls have a joint Sweet 16 party at the Ciroc distillery. Blue and North emerge from their blackouts the next day to learn their parents have bought out and destroyed Northwest Airlines as well as called for the early extinction of the world’s rarest and most beautiful climbing vine, “blue ivy” all to improve the girls’ SEO. Happy Birthday!

College

Both girls get into every Ivy League school, Oxford and the NASA astronaut program without applying. North becomes a “college dropout.” Blue earns an honorary degree from the Brooklyn School of Cosmetology after delivering a commencement speech.

Early Adulthood

Blue fears she’s pregnant by either Ryan Gosling’s son or Ryan Gosling and asks North to accompany her to buy a pregnancy test. To prevent witnesses, they go halfsies on the entire SoHo Duane Reade and force everyone out before raiding the maternity aisle. Turns out Blue isn’t pregnant, but North is eight weeks along.

Marriage

North—pregnant with Prince George of Cambridge’s child following a corgi-piñata-party-turned-flip-cup-tournament at Buckingham Palace—begrudgingly weds the heir to the British throne. Blue, not to be outdone, seeks out and seduces the political figure Biblical scholars of the time purport to be the Antichrist. They are married at the foot of an active volcano 36 hours later.

Raising Children

The two women, whom have now children of their own, build a boarding school on the stormy coast of Tibet to avoid spending time with their progeny.

Mid-Life Downward Spiral

Both women are divorced by this point and have hired a coterie of ex-CIA agents to protect them from attacks from their estranged children who, during their time in Tibet, studied under the League of Shadows. News of Blue and North’s motherly negligence results in the world’s first 300-day news cycle. Unable to leave their shared mansion-cum-fortress, Blue and North play baccarat, eat pralines and make bathtub gin from window box junipers.

Falling Off

Their vengeful children now captured and detained, Blue and North are able to once again walk among the living. However, their several years of scathing reports in the tabloid have torn their public image to shreds. In a last ditch effort to mend their standing in the public eye, Blue and North found a monastery where acetic monks dedicate their lives to raising German police dogs. Unfortunately, it’s too little too late.

Going Bankrupt

While in hiding, Blue and North converted their fortune into diamonds and, out of fear, had it lowered, in emerald vaults, into the Black Sea for safekeeping. But now, with the world against them and no way to retrieve it, the two women find themselves on the other side of broke.

The Final Years

Blue and North live out the rest of their lives shuffling door to door asking people to please spare some change and “a splash of Moët.” They earn a whopping $1.65 between them, which they spend on half a croquette at the Old Waldorf. North’s father, Kanye, now transmogrified into an actual god by way of black magic, looks down on the two women with pity and, in a rare moment of magnanimity, gives them five dollars.