I love snarky Yelp reviews. I can’t help it. They are fucking amazing. Who has the time to write such in-depth, over the top reviews of anything? If I get bad service I just subtweet about it like a normal person. But thank god for the crazies. Have you guys asked your favorite blogger where to get your new Ludlow suit tailored? No response because that asshole’s too busy guest blogging for Ugg? What’s a young sprezz lord to do? Go to Yelp, motherfuckers. Normally, you just need a review that says something like: “Good work, decent price.” Or: “AVOID AT ALL COSTS.” But that kind of sub-par review doesn’t cut it for “Blo M.” from Prince, NY. You guys have to read his five paragraph essay on Bhambi’s Custom Clothiers.
First, his intro paragraph explains why 9 reviews do not provide a reliable statistical basis for predicting Bhambi’s quality control, which begs the question: BLO M., WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO TO BHAMBI’S IF YOU ALREADY WERE QUESTIONING THE RELIABILITY OF THE YELP REVIEWS? You sound wild sanctimonious and you’re only 4 sentences in, bro.
Then Blo M. gets all angry when Bhambi is like, “You can't afford a gym," after Blo M. told him about how he “…used to be even more muscular than [he is] now, almost to the bodybuilding competition level of development.” Blo M. is sure to let the Yelp audience know that, “The replacement cost of the coat would more than pay for a year's membership at an elite health club in this city.” NICE. NOW BLO M. IS POWERFLEXING ABOUT HOW IN SHAPE HE IS AND HOW MUCH MONEY HE CAN DROP ON HIS CASHMERE COAT. I BET BLO M.’S PENIS ISN’T SMALL AT ALL.
But the self-aggrandizing doesn’t stop there. No, Blo M. is indignant that the staff was “…ignorant of the British Royal Family historical significance of the fine Aquascutum brand of the sport jacket that I courageously had one of his employees take in through the sides, in order to accentuate my 'V'-tapered lats, broad shoulders, and slim waist…” DID BLO M. JUST SAY HE HAS THE BRAD PITT FROM FIGHT CLUB PENIS MUSCLES? I DON’T KNOW WHAT A "LAT" IS, BUT IT PROBABLY IS THAT PENIS MUSCLE THING RIGHT? GUYS, DON’T WORRY. MY GIRL TOLD ME THAT PENIS MUSCLES ARE "TOO MUCH" AND GIRLS REALLY JUST WANT GUYS THEY CAN "CUDDLE WITH." JOKES ON YOU, BLO M.
Further shouts to Blo M. for name dropping "Aquascutum", but then only saying he dropped off “…2 premium brand name suits…” I GUESS THEY CAN’T BE THAT BRAND NAME IF YOU DON’T DROP THE FUCKING BRAND'S NAME IN THE FIRST PLACE, MY DUDE. YOU TOLD US ALL ABOUT YOUR MUSCLES, BUT YOU CAN’T TELL US WHO MAKES YOUR SUITS?
In the end, Blo M. gave Bhambi’s Custom Custom Clothiers a “D” for its final grade. Although, it should be noted that Blo M. grades on "an Ivy League Curve," which is a stupid thing to say since we all know curving grades just leads to artificial grade inflation, which in turn means no one is really as smart as their grades would seem to suggest. WHY WOULD YOU CURVE A GRADE WHEN NO ONE ELSE USES THE SAME GRADING SCALE? BLO M., YOUR IVY LEAGUE CREDENTIALS, MONEY, KNOWLEDGE AND RIPPED PENIS MUSCLES GET 3 OUT OF 5 STARS.
