Football? I hardly even know her! Haha! Folks, the 2014 NFL Draft is just around the corner and, as usual, I'll be looking at this year's surefire stars, hidden gems and—YIKES!—the must-avoids! Let's get ready for pigskin season! Football! Sports! Violence!
-James Wigfield, QB, Grambling State
"The Grambling Man," as he came to be known over the course of his illustrious college career,* is an athletic force to be reckoned with. Standing 18'6" and weighing in at over 6,000 lbs, Wigfield single-handedly dragged his team to victory after victory and was responsible for the deaths of countless opponents. The only potential drawback? Scouts say he doesn't think the game very well.
*It should be noted that every member of the Grambling State football team is nicknamed "The Grambling Man."
-Frank Sinatra, Singer, Rat Pack
This long-dead entertainer is only in my preview to make you go, like, "Uh, what? Say what? What's he doing in there? Seems pretty ridiculous if you ask...oooohhhh, it's a joke. It was a joke, guys. The joke was, like, it's an NFL Draft preview and he included a non-football player. A dead non-football player at that. Even if he was alive it wouldn't make sense, but it makes even less sense given that he's dead. Can you imagine though? Some team tries to pick Frank Sinatra? I'd be all like, 'Nooo way.' Haha. That would be nuts."
-Walter Smith, OL, Texas A&M
Is Walter Smith worth a gamble? Why not ask his head coach, who he cuckolded this past season? Maybe call up A&M's entire assistant coaching staff, all victims of Smith's cuckolding? Not convinced? Let's hear from his best friend and confidant, who calls Smith "the best damn cuckolder in the nation," and says, "He can’t wait to cuckold in the NFL, and one day, God willing, cuckold in the Super Bowl." Smith was held out of the majority of last season's games for unknown personal reasons.
-Fuckface Shithead, OLB, Missouri
Shithead is a versatile, do-it-all type of player. As one scout told me, "He's a guy you go to war with, and a definite first round talent." So why is he in the Hidden Gems section? NFL teams are wary of what one GM called "his extremely bad and awful name." Shithead is as skilled as they come, but his name is a bunch of curse words smashed together. Will his natural ability to physically harm other human beings, while playing an extremely violent and brutal game be enough to outweigh the fact that his name has bad words in it? Only time will tell. Good luck, Shithead.
-T.J. Carlson, RB, Oklahoma
Carlson smashed several college records this year, including most rushing touchdowns and most all-purpose yards. As a result, he was not allowed back at the NCAA Hall of Fame and was forced to pay for the damaged trophies. A definite "Must-Avoid," and that doesn't even consider the fact that he recently got an extremely detailed facial tattoo of a heavyset man taking a crap.
-Jeff Schmorp, QB, Wyoming
Schmorp's draft stock plummeted when he exploded during a game last December. Worth a flyer in the late rounds? Maybe. Early rounds? Don't even think about it. His quest to become the NFL's first exploded player is admirable, but foolhardy.
-Dummy Filled with Ballistics Gelatin, P, Minnesota
Minnesota opted to use a movable dummy filled with ballistics gelatin as their punter this past year, a move that was widely panned by football analysts. D.F.B.G is a heart and soul kind of player, but with an average punt hangtime of zero seconds, he's not going to be rising up the draft boards any time soon.
Listen, this is one draft you don't want to avoid, so hopefully this primer has, as Hank Williams would say, adequately prepared you for some football. I love football like a son. I want to caress and hold the very essence of football. I want to hold it forever and care for it. And, folks, if you ask me, the only type of draft better than the football kind is the beer kind, but that's just this writer's opinion.