20 Realistic New Year's Resolutions You Should Make In Your 20's

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Complex Original

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Every new year, millions of people make unrealistic promises to themselves that they seldom keep. They resolve to improve their lives through drastic life changes like going to the gym, spending more time outdoors or cutting down on the amount of time spent sitting in my car outside my ex-girlfriend’s house at three in the morning.

Since we're all going to grow as people in 2k14—for real this time—let me provide some more manageable substitutes to your average, easily breakable New Year’s resolutions. Maybe if you subscribe to one of these promises, you’ll actually follow through and won’t feel like the pathetic quitter my dad likes to constantly remind me I am.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

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Quit Smoking (Until Mad Men Comes Back And You Remember How Cool It Is To Smoke)

It’s no secret that I think Jon Hamm is amazing. When he speaks it’s like a thousand cherubs massaging my eardrums. Every time I hear the famous, “What you call love, was invented by guys like me—to sell nylons,” speech I get a half-chub. Jon Hamm could tell me to do literally anything and I’d do it. Smoke cigarettes. Drive a Jaguar. Kill your parents. Whatever you say, Jon.

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Go Skydiving (And Never Shut The Fuck Up About It)

“Excuse me, I asked for a plain bagel.”

"My apologies, sir. Let me get you your correct order."

“You know, I was on a plane once…and then I jumped out of it. Skydiving that is. My instructor was even like, ‘Get off my plane!’ like Harrison Ford. Haha! He was such a character!”

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Get A Guitar (So You Can Tell Girls You Play Guitar)

You won’t actually learn to play the guitar, mind you. You will just own one. You’ll even put it in your bedroom, so that the girls you bring back can ogle it. It should give you that extra push you need to get her to take off her pants. And when she asks you to play it? You’ll tune the guitar for a while and then drum the beat to “Green Eyes” with your hand. Oh my god, you’re so talented! Nope, you're just an asshole.

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Start That Book You've Been Meaning To Read (And Then See The Movie Instead)

You could finish Anna Karenina, but I think we can all agree that Jude Law and Keira Knightly can tell it better than Leo Tolstoy ever could. Also, you hear they’re making War and Peace next year with Jason Statham and Shia LaBeouf, so why don’t you go ahead and take the rest of the day off, Leo. Your work here is done.

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Be Adventurous When Going Out To Eat (As Long As Its Not Too Ethnic)

Okay, tonight we’re going some place different. We definitely need to change it up. Except, not Indian because it upsets my stomach. And no sushi. I’m not trying to eat raw fish and get fish AIDS or whatever. And we should probably stay away from Vietnamese too. Like, I don’t trust the “quality of their preparation”. Geez, there’s no good places to eat in this city. You know what? Let’s just go to Chili’s again.

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Read The Paper (When You're Hiding From Someone)

I guess this one depends on what kind of person you are. For me, I would use a newspaper to hide from a mob of my fans like I’m one of the Beatles in A Hard Day’s Night. Although, for you normal folk, I’m guessing that you would be hiding from the police. Regardless, you’re only scanning the sports section.

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Be Productive (After You Get High And Watch All Of Lost On Netflix)

Definitely going to apply for that job…right after I find out what the deal was with Walt. I mean, he got off the island, but he was also a ghost? No, that was just the smoke monster pretending to be him. But then why was it an older version of Walt? I think Michael mentioned something about him when he was on the freighter in season 4. I gotta clear this up. Man, Harold Perrineau is great. That reminds me, it's high time I got into Oz.

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Learn Something New (About Martin Starr On Wikipedia)

And by "something", I mean everything about Martin Starr. His real last name is “Pflieger Schienle”? What the fuck? He was in Stealing Harvard and one episode of Undeclared? He’s gonna be in the Veronica Mars movie coming out this year? Fuck me sideways, Wikipedia. Is there anything you don’t know? Feel free to do this right now. I'll wait.

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