The Best And Worst Dressed (And Most Heavily On Drugs) At The 2014 Golden Globe Awards

The Golden Globes, an annual reminder of which movies to hurry up and watch before the Oscars and TV shows your parents are about to get really into, was on last night and I watched it. You’ve come here expecting the usual celebrity takedowns and poignant critiques of fashion mishaps, but all I’ve got is love this time around. The Globez were very pleasant on the whole and I single-handedly paid the bills of every entertainment website, foraging these red carpet slideshows to find you some hidden gems—moments you may have missed in the parade of adequacy that was the well-produced, almost funny, not football event of the weekend.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

John Voight

I was excited for Jon Voigt to win, but it seemed weird to give him his award for National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets seven years after the movie came out. I guess Hollywood is still kind of a mystery wrapped in an enigma for us outsiders.

Bro With Jemima Kirke

I was stressing not having any good Girls jokes, but then this dude showed up and epitomized the punch line of any Girls joke I could have ever made. Like, if someone asked you to conceptualize a guy who might be with one of the Girls, this is what you’d come up with. If you told a police sketch artist, “He looked like the type of guy who would be hanging out with Jemima Kirke,” the artist would be like, “Oh, got it!” And then draw a 100% accurate picture of this dude.

Steve McQueen

Fifteen-year-old #menswear kids on Tumblr were hella confused when 12 Years A Slave director Steve McQueen did not enter stage left on a motorcycle, wearing a Barbour jacket.

Pregnant Women

I’m probably the only Four Pins writer who would make an offensive joke about pregnant women, but I’m not even going to fall into the neg-trap. I’m all positive vibez over here, guyz. I won’t even give my requisite pregnancy lecture about how these new mothers better prepare their children for the waterless, Mad Max-like hell that is the very near future because celebrity babies will obviously be shuttled to an Elysium-style space colony while the rest of us resort to cannibalism on our shriveling dirt clod of a planet.

Spike Jonze, T-Swift's New John Mayer

I like Spike Jonze movies, but the overwhelming vigor with which white people on Twitter liked Her has me worried that maybe I’m truly wrong about EVERYTHING. If there’s something we know to be true, it is that if most white Americans like something, it's probably bad for the planet. The general adoration for Spike was captured in this grainy screencap, trapped in the gaze of nubile, young succubus Taylor Swift, as she gazed adoringly up at the handsome, brilliant-but-shy filmmaker, having obviously just found out who Spike Jonze is. "Wait, he’s not Spike Lee?" A friend leans forward and whispers in her ear, “And he’s from Jackass.” Taylor's gaze tightens. "I shall have him."

Jared Leto

As The Pinz' resident Jared Leto apologist I must say, first and foremost, “Fuck da haterzzzz.” In his acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor for his role in Dallas Buyers Club, Leto basically said, "I haven’t acted in six years and I'm still way better than all of you." Shit like that enables why he can get away with wearing that scarf. Homeboy is, like, 48 years old, but hasn’t aged a day since he got laid the fuck outFight Club, and even though his band is terrible, he probably still makes mad ducats touring in Europe or South America or wherever hot garbage stadium rock is a national pastime.

Green Or Whatever

Ninety-year-old hipster Helen Mirren wore a shade of green, and so did this other woman I don’t recognize and Olivia Wilde's Sudeikis-filled tummy. Life would be so easy if I was a women’s fashion writer and could just be like, “Bam! Green trend this spring. Peace, I’m going on break.” But, alas, the nuanced world of menswear will forever be my calling.

P.S. If you know anybody at Teen Vogue please email me so I can finally get out of this cupboard in the Complex break room.

Jonah Hill, Serious Actor

Jonah Hill used to be the hilarious 900-pound sidekick in such classics as Grandma's Boy and Accepted. Now he’s on fucking Charlie Rose talking about acting. How insufferable do you think Jonah is to his old comedy friends? Half the people who know him deleted his number when they heard him on Marc Maron talking about how much he "learned so much from Leo."

Hermoine

Let me leave you with Hermione’s searing hazel gaze. Before you know it, you’ve been staring at this photo so long you feel pervy for having watched five minutes of Chamber of Secrets on ABC Family last weekend. Oh, that's just me? See you guys at the Grammy's.