The Lingering Questions Of 2013

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Sure, 2014 is half a month old and you’ve probably moved on from 2013 already. But I’m not done with 2013 yet! We may have discovered 40 billion habitable planets in our galaxy with possible signs of life last year, greatly upping the chances that I won’t die alone, but there is still so much we don’t know. For example, does Justin Bieber know what pants are supposed to look like? Does Miley Cyrus know what shirts are supposed to look like? Who gives a shit? See what I mean? Not so fast, 2013! I have some more lingering questions for you.

Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.

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What is Adam Driver doing here?

With a regular role on Girls supported by parts in movies directed by Steven Spielberg and the Coen brothers, Adam Driver has an IMDB profile that must be the envy of many young actors in Hollywood. But do you know what he does not have? An ounce of charisma. It’s as though the two least charismatic people in the world—Kim Jong Un and Minka Kelly—had a baby who decided to follow in his mother’s footsteps and grace the screens both small and silver with his non-precense. I’m sure he’s a really nice guy, though.

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Is Ty Dolla Sign just paranoid?

One of the great mysteries of last year involves America’s newest multi-hyphenate (singer-rapper-weed smoker), Ty Dolla Sign. To be fair, there are many aspects of Mr. Dolla Sign's oeuvre that remain shrouded in mystery. I would love to one day uncover the secrets of the origin of the song "Toot It and Boot It", for example. But most compelling is the saga Tyrone Griffin unspools on his biggest hit to date, "Paranoid"

Our hero arrives at a discothèque for a night of fun and merrymaking, only to find that not one, but two of his love interests are already there. If Ty were an Italian politician, this would be cause for celebration. But, he is not, so this is cause for deep concern. Is it a simple coincidence or are these two women conspiring against him in an elaborate set-up not unlike the plot of forthcoming major motion picture The Other Woman, starring Kate Upton? Our clues are few and far between. Ty knows that these women know each other, but how he knows this is unclear. Do they go to the same Bible study? Are they connected on LinkedIn? I can’t tell you because the song ends! What happens, Ty? Were they seeking revenge against you because they both drive Range Rovers and neither can stay over? Do they resent that you got them the same damn fragrance? Was said fragrance Minajesty?!?!

These are the things that keep me up at night, Ty Dolla Sign. Don’t leave me hanging.

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Do we really want Justin Timberlake to be a musician again?

Dear Justin,

Over the course of your illustrious career, you have received an Emmy, a bunch of Grammys and a tweet from me every time "Rock Your Body" played on my iPhone. Sometimes I just wanted to talk, but mostly I wanted to ask you to stop making movies and start making music again. And in 2013, you finally listened! But just as I was about to do a victory lap to a mega mix of the FutureSex/LoveSounds outros, I listened to your latest, The 20/20 Experience. Well, I started to listen to it, but it was long and boring and I fell asleep. I was willing to look past the awful title, since all of your albums have awful titles. I was even willing to look past the unfortunately named "Take Back the Night" because you didn’t go to college and therefore probably didn’t know that’s the name of a support program for victims of sexual assault. But I can’t look past the fact that this was not the Justin Timberlake album that I wanted. Fine, it was a best-seller, but that means nothing (see: my earlier item on cronuts).

In closing, I would like to request that you kiss Jessica Biel goodbye on the cheek or whatever you want us to believe you two do together, call up Timbaland, and head back into the studio to try again. You can do it. I believe in you, Justin—as much as you believe in wearing fedoras in the present day.

Thank you,

Steve

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