The second polar vortex is on its way, and the only thing I’m looking forward to more than those extremely interesting time-lapse snow videos (Holy shit! Is that...patio furniture…being slowly covered in snow?) are the amazing jokes and tweets from various coworkers, tech bloggers and SEO gurus. Want to capitalize on a natural disaster to gain more social media cachet? Want to prove to your colleagues that yes, you are vaguely aware of what’s going on in the world around you? This is your time to shine! Don’t want to be left out in the cold? Then simply follow this guide to joking about the second polar vortex. (P.S. There’s a joke in that previous sentence. See if you can spot it.)
1. Scenario: You’re at the water cooler the day the second polar vortex hits. Try saying something like, "Wow, I’m surprised this water cooler isn’t frozen." If you don’t get a response, add, "Because of the polar vortex." This should result in several chuckles, or at the very least, an amused nod or two.
2. Try to combine the polar vortex with another topical event. Maybe something like, "Somebody tell Chris Christie the polar vortex is a bridge! Maybe he’ll shut it down! Plus, he's fat." I guarantee you that within minutes, some blue-checkmarked local news anchor is retweeting that bad boy to, like, half of Grand Rapids.
3. Ideally, you want your good online jokes to appear in a list compiled by The Huffington Post or Mashable. These comedy heavyweights are the true arbiters of what’s funny, and if you find yourself published in one of their amusing anthologies alongside such luminaries as various Slate bloggers and Wil Wheaton, just sit back, light a cigar and let the manual retweets roll in, baby.
4. Scenario: You are a dentist. Try this one on for size: "At least it’s not a MOLAR vortex!" Unfortunately, this one only works if you are a dentist. If you are a dental hygienist, don’t use this one. I know it's tempting, but dentists get super pissed if you upstage them with insanely good topical jokes.
5. What about a polar vortex parody account? Are you kidding me, dude? It’s 2014. Come on now. Try making an account where you pretend to be a celeb, and weigh in on the polar vortex from the celeb's perspective. People are dying to know what you think Miley Cyrus would tweet about inclement weather. More like Polar Twerk-tex! That one's on the house. You're welcome.
6. Gamers are an excellent target demographic, as they will blindly favorite, like or retweet anything even tangentially related to video games. Here’s a hint: The bad guy in Crash Bandicoot was named Dr. Cortex. What the hell are you waiting for? Hastily Photoshop something and post it in the comments of a Kotaku article.
7. Scenario: You're having dinner with the wife and kids. It’s been a long day (aren’t they all?). Has anyone smiled since you got home? Doubtful. The distance you feel between you and your family has been widening every day. You lay awake at night, your mind running, in a cold sweat. Your wife turns away from you in bed, even in her sleep. After school, your son runs upstairs and shuts the door. He stays there for hours. What is he doing in there? Who knows? Who cares? Your daughter, your beautiful, precious little girl, hasn’t said anything remotely close to "I love you" in...God, what’s it been now? Two months? Three? Don't kid yourself. You've been counting. This ceased being a rut a long time ago. At this point you're digging your own grave, as the people who were once your loved ones sit and watch silently, waiting their turn. Try saying something like, "Yikes, if this room was any colder, I’d have icicles coming out of my nose!" They’ll assume this harmless dad joke is a reference to the frigid weather, but you know better. You know the truth.
8. Polar FART-ex. Seriously. Can you imagine if the weather was farts? Everyone has to stay inside because of the farts. Are the farts cold? Who knows! The imagery! I mean, Jesus, when you hit a bullseye, you hit a bullseye, am I right?!
I hope this helpful guide gives you the inspiration you need to make jokes about the weather. It doesn’t matter if you're emailing them to a coworker, posting them on Facebook or tweeting them on Twitter. Hell, it doesn't even matter if they’re extremely stale and really, truly unfunny—just keep coming up with 'em. It’s not hard. Seriously. "It’s so cold I just saw one of those Coca Cola bears walking down the street!" Nailed it. People know what Coca Cola is.
Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.
