20 Douchebags More Likely To Get Laid Than You

Image via Complex Original

The Borderline Rapist With The Foreign Accent

Foreign accents are proven to turn a chick's box into a Super Soaker. Those Irish brogues and French flourishes are even enough to make a girl disregard the negative attributes a guy might have, like poor hygiene or bad fashion sense or even a little sexual assault. No means oui? Whatever you say, Bastien. Not to mention the fact that this guy's hairy junk probably looks like Pau Gasol wearing a turtleneck sweater. But women don’t care. They'll blow this guy's pan flute faster than you can say, “Donde esta la bibliotecha?”

The Guy Who Uses His Toddler As A Pussy Bloodhound

Chicks love the dad dick. That's why ass hats from across the country parade their little tykes through the park on a dog leash in order to pick up naked party partners. Total a-hole move, but you've got to respect the hustle. The only reason you're salty about it is because you didn't think of it first. And by "it" I mean, exploiting your children for personal gain.

The Local Celebrity

"There he is! It's that Division III basketball player who logged a triple double against the all Caucasian team! Hopefully I can get him to have sex with me now before he's lost forever in the limelight of the local rec league and definitely not the NBA D League! I'm gonna let him do things to my body I'd never let my boyfriend do!" – Every Girl Ever

The Shoulder To Cry On

The type of douchebag with the highest rate of success on this list is undoubtedly the Shoulder To Cry On. The Shoulder will have a "strictly platonic" relationship with a girl who's in a relationship. He'll bide his time, waiting for his time to strike like a fucking deadly mongoose. Then, when the girl gets upset at her boyfriend for something he said or did, the Shoulder pounces!

"Hey, it's okay. There, there. He was an asshole anyway. Ssshhh. You don't need him. You deserve better. Try my penis in your mouth. See if that helps."

The Humblebrag

"Oh you're a waitress? I write for this men’s style blog called Four Pins. Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just owned by Marc Ecko's magazine or some shit. Totally not a big deal. Like, I mean, I guess I'm kind of famous or whatever, but I'm not so concerned about that. I'd like to think that I'm pretty modest. Frankly, I'm the most modest person I know, and perhaps even in the entire world. I'm just humbled by the fact that God gave me these two hands with which I can write—NAY—give birth to zeitgeist-shaking ideas and also feed the homeless. Did I mention I'm a professional writer?

The Nostalgic Frat Alumnus

When this guy isn't trying to screw people out of their own money as a stock broker or used car salesman, he's having sweet reveries of a past life of butt chugging Natty Ice until he's drunk enough to have sex with the 16-year-old who snuck into a college party. Every weekend, this dude relives his glory days and quickly finds the drunkest girl in the bar to put his whisky dick into before he throws up in a the DVD player disk tray and passes out.

The Guy With The Acoustic Guitar

Easily the most detestable creature on this list, the guy with the acoustic guitar is the authority on uninspired, watered down unplugged versions of already overplayed songs. Sick of Coldplay's "Green Eyes"? Well, fuck you because this mystical troubadour is gonna be strumming it for the next hour and a half or at least until some young, doe-eyed babe gobbles his balls.

The Loudest Person At The Party

You know the old expression, "The squeaky wheel gets to put it in her butt"?

The Catty Gay Dude

Oh, you unknowingly insulted this gay guy? Big mistake, bro. Now he's going to go fuck the girl that you were planning on bringing home just to spite you. If big hairy gays are bears than this guy should be called an "elephant" because he never fucking forgets.

The Good Looking High School Kid Who Thinks All This Will Last Forever

"Yeah, I'll be having youthful sex for the rest of my life! My hairline will always be at the same and I definitely won't get erectile dysfunction from looking in my partner's eyes when I’m older! All of my dreams will come true and girls will find me attractive forever! Hooray for foolishly naive expectations!"

The Guy Who Thinks His Life Is A Todd Phillips Movie

He even calls his crew "The Wolf Pack". He always tries to get everyone to go streaking. And he constantly screams at the top of his lungs, "You’re my boy, blue!" At first, this drunk buffoon's hijinks were sort of amusing, but by the third time around, they've become wildly predictable and impossibly annoying. Yet, this guy always seems to get the girl and you don’t, so he must be doing something right.

The Guy Pretending To Be A Feminist

Don’t get me wrong, I'm totally supportive of women's rights. '’m just not a dick about it. This guy will scream, "All men are pigs!" and "All heterosexual intercourse is basically rape!" and "I just got tickets to that Melissa Etheridge concert!" He acts all holier than though when in reality all he wants is to put his P in some V like the rest of us animals.

The Guy Who Calls You "Chief"

Not only is this guy going to fuck a girl in front of your face, but he's gonna talk down to you while he does it. "Hey chief, I know that's the same thing I call my 5-year-old nephew, as well as the simple fella who mops the floor in the mall, but I'm going to call you it anyway to inflate my false sense of superiority. Now, if you'll excuse me, I’ve got to go be overtly misogynistic to this girl, while nobody tries to stop me."

The Guy In A Committed Relationship

Fuck you, man. Thanks for flaunting the fact that you get to fuck whenever you want, every day, all the time. You're a huge scumbag and you know it. You think you're all high and mighty because you "love" someone, and you "want to spend the rest of your life with her," and you "share the experience of life so you can both blossom into greater people together." God, I hate you, man.

The Guy In The Apartment Above Yours

Goddamn it, I just want to eat my cheesecake in my underwear and Photoshop my face into pictures of my ex-girlfriend in peace! Can't you leave me alone, dude? Or, maybe, let me join in? What? Who said that? No no, no, you misheard me. I def. didn't say, "I want to join in." I mean, unless—UNLESS—you want me to or something. No? Yeah, I didn't want to anyway. Psssh, I was just messing, man. That'd be crazy weird.