20 Ways To Lose All Of Your Friends In Your 20's

Image via Complex Original

Do Drugs (And Don't Share Them)

When you were in kindergarten, you learned about sharing. If your mom made cupcakes, you'd have to make sure to bring enough for the whole class. Same rule applies in your adult life. "I mean, it's not like I haven’t shared my cupcakes with you in the past," your friend says. "I gave you that cupcake in the bathroom of that club a few days ago, and I gave you a bunch of cupcakes at that 311 show in December. Come on, man. I'm jonesing for some cakes."

Be Passive Aggressive When Choosing A Fast Foot Restaurant

"No, I don’t care where we eat. Really, please, you choose. White Castle? Oh? No, it's fine. Whatever. I mean, you know I don't like pickles and that I really wanted to go to Wendy's, but it's cool. I'm probably just not going to get anything. It's fine. It's whatever. Really. We'll just go to White Castle I guess, if that's what you want."

Bring Your Bike Everywhere

Some people ride their bikes to their destination. Other people bring their bikes when they're hanging out with people. This guy will try to squeeze it into the already unbearably tight subway train right after the game ends and the crowd from the Garden is trying to get home. He'll lean it up against the bathroom door at the bar and even lay in across the collective junk of his compadres when its time to go home. "My slam pig got a fucking handlebar to the ovaries, dude."

Catalog All Your Friends' Debts

Rob: $12, Drinks From Saturday

Keith: $30, Cab Fare x2

Chugs: $2, The Rest of My Filet-O-Fish + Fries

Martin "Fartin'" Bradshaw: $5, Middle School Snack Money x10

Melanie: $20, Pity Cunnilingus

Stop Drinking

Sober people are judgmental and condescending. At a bar or party, everyone collectively agrees to be inebriated, so that nobody looks foolish. These places are little sanctuaries for people to let loose, dry hump each other and say the N-word while singing rap songs. Then, enter Boring Betty not to be confused with Blowjob Betty) to ruin everything.

Friends don't let friends be sober dicks.

Have Poor Communication Skills

Your Friend, 9:42: "im outside your apt. Where you is?"

Your Friend. 9:54: "dude I’m parked illegally. hurry up"

You,10:03: "Naw"

Your Friend, 10:04: "what? u told me to come pick u up"

Your Friend, 10:06: "does this mean you’re not coming or?"

You, 10:12: "K"

Your Friend, 10:13: "Huh?"

Your Friend, 10:15: "i hate u, bro"

Have Sex In Your Friend's Bed

Leave his sheets smelling like the Vietnam War and don't even bother napalming the spread before he returns. Although, maybe you can give him a heads up before he sleeps in your regret sauce.

Become A Vegan

Hey, there's nothing wrong with trying to eat healthy. I think we're all for getting in shape and bettering ourselves as human beings. But trying to find a place to eat with your vegan friend is like trying to find Waldo after he went to the store to get milk one day and never came back.

Flaunt Your Money, But Never Pay For Anything

You yell, "Day trader money, bitches!" as you throw a crumpled up twenty at the back of the bottle service waitress's head, but when it comes time to pay the bill, you're nowhere to be found. The "I was getting a handy in the bathroom from this chick who I’m pretty sure was Kelly Kapowski," excuse only works so many times.

Yell Lyrics To Songs You Don't Even Vaguely Know The Words To

"DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-ROYALS! ROYALS! DA-DA-DA-DA-HEH-HEH-BLOOD! DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-WE-NEED-A-DIFFERENT-KIND-OF-YEAH! LET-ME-BE-KAY-JEWELERS! JEWELERS!"

Play Acoustic Guitar At Parties

There's a special place in hell for dudes who play acoustic guitars at parties. Nobody cares about your banana hammock. You aren't Jack Johnson, bro. Everyone will be pissed at you and your friends probably won't talk to you for a while.

Become Overly Opinionated

"I know you think 'Ruff Ryders’ Anthem' is the best rap song of all time, but others may disagree with you, and you have to be tolerant of their differing views."

Get New Friends That Are Total Assholes

"Hey, me and my new friends are gonna go say mean things to the old minority women working the midnight shift at the fast food drive-thru to help feed their families! You should totally come with, man! So much fun!"

Mooch

Hopefully your friend won't mind when he finds out that you ate the last slice of the wedding cake he and his wife had been saving in their refrigerator.

Reinvent Yourself (Into A Dick With A Different Haircut)

"Oh, you still listen to Ludacris? I thought he went out of style, like, ten years ago along with Heelies and the XFL. I only listen to St. Vincent and Grizzly Bear now. I also changed by name to Brentley. Like, my name and the car put together, so I'd appreciate it if you'd start calling me that from now on. I'm going to a hookah bar with a bunch of fat Persian guys later if you want to join me and feel super uncomfortable."

Be Pathetic And Backpedal

"I’m so sorry I've been such a dick lately, you guys. I want you back! This was all a mistake! I can explain everything! I have no friends now. P-p-please take me back!"

Nobody likes a crybaby. This one should seal the deal and get your friends to leave you alone forever. YOU MADE IT.