Children are delicate organisms. They are unfamiliar with nearly everything, so what you tell them will influence their outlook on the world for the rest of their lives. If you teach them right, they'll bloom into wonderful human beings. However, if you accidentally poison their understanding with incorrect nonsense, they'll probably walk into traffic or become an asshole or something. Chances are, your parents did the latter and that’s why you’re so fucked up. With that in mind, the following is a list of terrible life lessons your parents ruined you with forever when you were just a little doe-eyed angel. Also included are the revised lessons you can use in an attempt to salvage the train wreck of a life you're currently leading.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. parentsadvicelead2
2. BEANYTHINGYOUWANTTOBE
3. NEVERAFRAIDTOFAIL
4. BOOKBYCOVER
5. ROADLESSTRAVELED
6. BEYOURSELF
7. 2GLASSES
8. SPILT
9. 2HEADED
10. SlowAndSteady
Slow And Steady Wins The Race
When has going slow and steady won anyone anything? I don’t know, maybe that’s your mantra when you’re trying to last longer in the sack or something.
Revised Lesson: NOS And Being Friends With Ludacris Wins The Race.*
*Everything I know about racing comes from The Fast And The Furious.
11. GLASSHOUSE
12. EARLYBIRD
13. NEVERSAYEVER
Never Say Never
There are plenty of things that you should say never to: Never step on the third rail, never drink gasoline, never wear a condom, never watch Justin Bieber's Never Say Never, etc. Plus, this rule is a catch 22. You legit just said ‘never’ twice in the fucking rule itself. Geez, amateur hour over here.
Revised Lesson: Never Say, “Never Say Never” Because You’ll Sound Like A Total Tool.