The Four Pins Guide To Mediocrity

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Give Up On All Your Hopes And Dreams

Here at Four Pins, we often advise our readers to forget about their dreams. After all, your dreams are stupid. Your fifth grade teacher was actually laughing in your face when you said you wanted to be an archeologist like Indiana Jones, you just don't remember because you've suppressed it deep down inside for all of these years. The key is to let it all go. Let everything you've ever wished for sail right out of your spirit. Let the waves of reality wash over you and take away all of your false notions of a better life. Just like that. Clean slate. Tabula rasa. Let your unrealistic pipe dreams rot in hell with your grandpa. Sorry, but your grandpa was really racist.

Don't Set Any New Goals

You can't fail if you don't have anything to work towards in the first place. By not setting goals, even the smallest feats can be grand accomplishments. Maybe you ate some curry and didn't feel like you needed to call 911 after you pooped. Maybe you only masturbated to pictures of your high school girlfriend once today (and barely even cried this time). Whatever the case, you'll be a rock star in your own eyes, even if you're an urban Gollum in everyone else's.

Only Hit On Girls That Look Like Your Favorite NFL Lineman

If you decide to push your luck and try to find a girl, always remember that you have no semblance of personality and you're kind of ugly. Don't go searching for beautiful women that you'll never be able to land. You want to look for that girl that is almost as much of a train wreck as you. If she looks like D'Brickashaw Ferguson on a good day, you’re on the right track.

Don't Build Human Relationships

Human interactions are awkward. Have you ever said, "See you later," to someone only to realize that you're both walking in the same direction? Shit's nightmare inducing. There is so much pressure on your back to not be a complete boner in social situations and it is terrifying. If you want to avoid making everyone hate you, simply don’t talk to anyone. Ever.

Don't Apply For Any New Jobs

They say it takes around three months to find a job. Three months! Three months of applying and getting rejected. Three months of telling the dude who's interviewing you about how your greatest weakness is that you “work too hard.” Come on, man. In reality, your true greatest weaknesses is that you're lazy, resistant to change and have no professional skills whatsoever. You're better off sticking with whatever miserable job you have now for the rest of your life.

Implement An All Elastic Waistband Pants Collection

Don't let pant sizes tell you how to live your life. If you get too fat, your jeans won't fit you anymore because jeans are awful creatures who don't care about inner beauty. Sweats, on the other, will love you unconditionally. They'll fit you no matter how fat you get. "Eat another entire cheesecake," your sweats beckon you.

Never Work Out

Do you really want to work out in a gym with a bunch of other people who are in better shape than you? Do you really want a constant reminder of how much of a piece of shit you are? Of course you don't. You sweat like a whore in church every time you move your groceries from your car to your apartment. Last week you searched Amazon for a men's sports bra to no avail. That's why you need to cut the shit man. Stop trying to work out. You can never come up short if you don't put any effort toward improving yourself in the first place.

Relax With Your Morals

Is calling a ten-year-old boy the C-word on Xbox Live a bad thing to do? Who can say? That's something for the people who still think they have a bright future ahead of them to worry about.

Never Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone/Man Cave

The world is absolutely terrifying and judgmental. Everything and everyone you've ever come in contact with is waiting for you to fail. The only option you have is to barricade yourself in your apartment and only leave when you need more pizza flavored Pringles from the bodega.

Never Consider The Future

The world could end tomorrow. I mean, it’s almost certainly not going to, but it could, you know? Don't waste all of your time adhering to social contacts like communicating with people and being a functioning member of society. Live for the now! Sleep until 2pm and don't let THE MAN tell you otherwise!

Abandon Personal Hygiene

What's the point of being clean if you never have to impress anyone? You can save so much time and effort by never taking care of yourself—time that you can devote to other, more important things like regretting every decision you've made in your entire life and trying to figure out where it all went wrong. Plus, you will always have that too cool for school, "just woke up" hair because you literally just woke up.

Cut Off All Ties With Your Family

Don't call your folks. Your parents will only remind you of how you're disappointing them. You're not living up to your older sibling who is a "doctor," or a "lawyer," or is "a responsible human being who doesn't call his parents in tears every month when he can't pay rent because he spent all his money on samurai swords attachments for his fleshlight." Yeah, whatever, mom and dad. Go fuck yourselves.

Get Rid Of Your Mirror

The man on the other side will tell you lies about how you can still turn your life around for the better. He'll say, "It’s not too late. It doesn’t have to be like this. Why don't you shave that stubble off and start picking up the pieces." But he’s wrong. You'll never fix things. You're too far gone. Too far down the rabbit hole of not giving a fuck. Break your mirror and break all of the other reflective surfaces in your house while you're at it.

Become A Nihilist

If there is no God and reality is just an illusion, then it's hard to feel bad about eating nothing but pizza bagels for a week straight. In a sense, you didn't eat any pizza-bagels...because pizza-bagels don't...exist.

Give In To All Of The Seven Deadly Sins (Except Greed, Lust, Pride, Wrath And Envy)

Wait, what's left? Just Gluttony and Sloth? Yeah, just become a fat piece of shit that never moves.

Fall In Love With Inanimate Objects

Giving a human name and personality to your lamp is a great way to help quicken your decent into the quicksand that is a life of low expectations.

Build A Castle Out Of Couch Cushions And Dirty Laundry

There's no homeowner's tax for living in a couch cushion castle. There's no mortgage you have to pay off. No rent. Really, no payment of any kind. You can live your life worry free in your safety bubble of non-responsibility.

Be The Ruler Of Your Kingdom And Squalor In Filth

You wear a tablecloth cape, wield a plastic light saber scepter and proudly display a crown/beer helmet equipped with two cans of Bud Light Clamato Chelada. You and your naked body peer out over your empire of soiled aspirations and Cool Ranch Doritos. Will you be loved or feared by your loyal subjects/the WWF action figures from your childhood that you found and set up in your living room? That's for you to decide, bud. You are now the ruler of your domain. Your journey is complete and you now, truly, have the lowest expectations humanly possible.