20 Practical Clothing Innovations Menswear Needs

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Sweatpants Bonerguard™

Sweatpants are a near flawless creation. They're comfortable, durable and usually pretty inexpensive. There's just one big problem, or, like, a four and a half inch problem, I guess; They don't leave enough to the imagination. Say you get excited because, pssh random hypothetical example off the top of my head: Tom Brady throws the perfect touchdown and you achieve full wood in front of all of your friends and family on Thanksgiving. Pretty embarrassing, right? That's why you need a Sweatpants Bonerguard™ to keep your excitement contained.

Tuxedo Shoes Heelys™

Heelys are a modern marvel of the 21st century. They allow you to look fly as fuck when getting from point A to B as quickly as possibly, or until you fall down the stairs. So, why not bring these steals on wheels into 2014? I think its time for the good people at Heelys to diversify their product and tap into the formalwear market a la Tuxedo Shoe Heelys™. They are the perfect piece of footwear for when you need to make a quick exit out of the church when you realize you've made a horrible mistake and don't actually want to spend the rest of your life with the girl you met while anonymously grinding at the club to "Salt Shaker."

Old-Timey Butt Flaps For Jeans™

It's wintertime and you need to take a Stanley Steamer ASAP. You could pull your pants down around your ankles, but then you'll loose all of your precious body heat and get all cold. If only there was a way to deposit my sin into the toilet while staying warm. What we need is an Old-Timey Butt Flap for our jeans. It worked for the gold rushers of 1849, why shouldn't it work today? Or do you think you're too good for gold?

Dual Pocket T-Shirts™

I'll be honest, I'm super happy that pockets on T-shirts are in style right now. I've got some mild bitch tits and these things really help hide them. You know what they say, treat the symptoms, not the source of the problem. Solid advice. Anyway, the bad thing is, the pocket only conceals one bitch tit. For this to really work, we're gonna need a second pocket on the other side of the tee. Frankly, I think this is an innovation that sells itself.

Flip Up Google Glass™

What do you get when you take the style and versatility of a pair of flip up sunglasses and combine them with the technology of Google Glass (those glasses you used to make the first-person sex tape that you sold on the unternet without the consent of your partner)? Introducing, the "Google Glasshole," a new state of the art way to utilize the Internet when you want to and escape from the dystopian computerized monitoring of your every movement and thought when you don't. Just flip the Google Glass lens up when you want to say, "Excuse me, science, but you are blocking my view of the road and I've become a killing machine."

Turtleneck Circumcision Zipper™

Turtlenecks are both a gift and a curse. On the one hand, you look like you're sophisticated as fuck and/or a Bond villain. On the other, turtlenecks are itchy and act as a vice for your enormous Adam's apple. Luckily, you can get the best of both worlds with the Turtleneck Circumcision Zipper™. After you win first place at the Steve Jobs look-alike contest, act as your own menswear mohel and zip that turtleneck right off, creating a crew neck for your sweater. Europeans won't like it, but I hear chicks around here think it's a good look.

Shutter Shade Transition Lenses™

For real though, I don't think Shutter Shades keep out UV rays. Like, I’m not 100% on this—the test results haven't come back from the lab yet—but I think some of those UV rays might be sneaking past the open venetian blind structure of the sunglasses. That's where Shutter Shade Transition Lenses™ come into play. When you're inside, you've got your standard, super dope shutter shades, but when you go out into the sun, the blinds close to keep out the rays. So far, it seems like you can't see shit when they’re working, but we're still in the prototype phase.

Zipper Dick Guillotine Guard™

As men, there isn't a day in our lives where we are safe from the terror that is the zipper. One minute, you're a fearless 23-year-old with your whole life ahead of you. The next, your Ichabod Crane becomes a Headless Horseman. That's exactly why we need a Zipper Dick Guillotine Guard™ to protect our Large Marges from getting mangled in the twisted metal wreck of a zipper accident.

Pants That Don't Make It Look Like You Have An Erection For No Reason™

We live in the year 2014 and it is still impossible to find a pair of pants that doesn't tent up right by the fly. Everyone thinks you're sporting wood when you're not. It's a big mess. Get on this shit, pants people.

Disposable Compression Shorts™

I like my workout drawers like Japanese tourists like their cameras: disposable. After one session, my compression shorts deserve to go straight to Underwear Hell, alone with Hitler's skid-marked tighty-whiteys. While this is no problem for me because I only go to the gym once every six months when I fall for the delusional pipe dream of turning my life around, most people would find this pretty expensive. That's why America needs disposable compression shorts and they needed them yesterday.

Steel Toed Socks™

The days of stubbing your toe are over. Next time a doorframe tries to break one of your foot digits in half, tell it who's boss and kick it in its doorframe nuts with your steal toed socks.

Fruit Roll-Up Pocket Squares™

Pocket squares are pretty useless. Sure, they accent your sportcoat and add another dimension to your outfit, but who cares? However, what if these pocket squares had another use? What if you could, dare I say, eat them? Enter Fruit Roll-Up Pocket Squares™. Fold one of these bad boys into a pair of overlapping triangles and there it is, a tasty, sugary snack whenever you want it.

Napkin Scarves™

It seems as if Angelo and I are on the same page here. Taking a girl out for a fancy dinner? Dribbled some New England clam chowder on your chin? Yeah, you could use a napkin like a squid, or you could take the classiness to eleven and wipe that shit up with your fucking scarf. Scarf Napkins™ are reusable, washing machine-friendly and economical as a motherfucker.

Pant Leg Ball Defroster™

Don't get stuck out in the cold this winter. Make sure you get a leg up on the fashion competition with the Pant Leg Ball Defroster™. You don't have to be a piece of low-hanging fruit to want to buy this.

P.S. It keeps your testicles from freezing to your leg. Just to be clear.

Sunglasses Headlights™

Sunglasses are the universal symbol of cool. Where do you want to look the coolest? The club, obviously. But clubs are only open at night, and the insides are darker than Denzel. Solution: sunglasses headlights™. Make your way around the dance floor with ease, and blind everybody else in the process because you are the fucking man and don't give a shit about others.

Breakaway Jeans™

It's the same problem every day: You want to flash your junk to innocent strangers in the park, but the only kind of tearaways on the market are ugly, shiny pants. That is, until now. Be a level-one sex offender in style with Breakaway Jeans™. Be proud when you, under the order of federal law, meet your neighbors after moving to a new area!

Breakaway Jeans™! So trendy you might not even want to tear them off and expose your genitals to people walking their dogs!

More Pockets For Drugs™

Actually, Woolf just told me about Engineered Garments, so never mind.