Justin Bieber actually is...
1. Wearing what can only be described as a turtleneck.
2. Hanging out with rappers and doing rich rapper things with them, while we are making lists about him.
3. Someone you have thought about styling because if you have ever tweeted something like, "NEVER BUTTON ALL THE BUTTONS ON YOUR SUIT [insert pro athlete/actor/celebrity," you think your real calling is becoming a stylist.
4. Most definitely floating into your girl's DMs like.
5. Not hanging out with more Asian people than you. QUIT IT. IT'S CREEPY. GET REALLY INTO SCANDINAVIAN DESIGN FOR A WHILE.
6. Smoking better weed than you. Unfortunately, both of you insist on calling it "loud."
7. Really bad at showing off how much money he has. I perused his Instagram feed for a minute and I didn't see one money phone! It's not real if you don't pop a 'Gram of your guap.
8. Wearing his fitteds wrong. WHY DO HATS LOOK LIKE THAT ON HIM? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH DUDE'S FOREHEAD? WHY DOES EVEN A SNAPBACK LOOK LIKE PHARRELL'S HAT ON THIS GUY? IS THIS THE PRICE OF FAME AND FORTUNE?
9. An investor in Spotify. Mad typical. Diversify that portfolio, my guy.
10. Like Justin Timberlake, but with the balls to actually be obnoxious all of the time.
11. A belieber in universal healthcare for all you broke bitches out there.
12. Gonna wear something that you wish you could afford and "ruin" it for you, even though being poor actually ruined it for you.
13. Living his life driving Lambos, smoking weed and popping xanies, which, if you think about it, probably isn't that far from your own life if you swap out the Lambo for a mid-2000s piece of shit.
14. Working really hard to support his parents. Parents all over the world would put up with you being a total fucking asshole if you made more money than their friends' son, the periodontist.
15. Canadian.
16. Probably not wearing a shirt right now. Seriously, homie takes more shirtless selfies than that one bro who is a personal trainer at Curves and tags all his pics #GQ and #fitspo.
17. Gonna enter a really dope Behind the Music-style bummer section of his life at any moment.
18. Probably "really getting into photography" right now and tryna convince Selena Gomez to let him shoot some noods with his new Leica.
19. An undercover agent like Cody Banks.
20. Just like us. If we had that kind of money, at that young of an age, we'd all look fucking crazy and be self-absorbed and do lots of drugs and say stupid shit like "I am fashion." I don't know if we'd all take as many shirtless selfies, but we'd definitely all be just as terrible of a person.
