How To Live #Zenswear

Clothing is bullshit and you're finally over it. Done with the vanity and consumption. Done wearing six unnecessary layers just to stunt on your boys. You're older, wiser and need to figure out something meaningful to do with your life before your high school reunion. "Bro," you tell your bros, "I'm finally post-menswear. I'm zen. I'm fucking #zenswear™."

Let me be the first to welcome you to the club of giving up. You couldn't compete anymore. It wasn't a money thing. It's just that while you were busy finding yourself, everybody started wearing leather baseball jerseys. You were more confused than bitter. Your only option was to return to your thrift shop roots and commit to '90s hiker dad as your primary aesthetic. People don't even believe you used to be a famous style blogger. But you've got the disposable income and free time now that you're not wasting both on clothes, and no woman will take you in your current unhygienic, organic state, so you'd better find something to do with yourself. Let's explore your options now that you're #zenswear.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

Get Really Into Motorcycles

With more masculine energy and heritage cred than even clothing, motorcycles offer a more expensive and involved way to still take selfies that will generate Tumblr notes. You scour the web for the perfect vintage bike. You buy a Schott leather jacket and Iron Heart jeans. Sure, you're over clothes, but these are necessary evils. You ride the trend hard until midway through summer when your bike breaks down. You pay a local mechanic and get back on the road. A few weeks later, you're on the road again, bewildered. You were just about to make your first cross-country trip (having made sure to pitch a road-weary photo essay to various blogs and brands), but you didn't sign up for this.

Turns out motorcycles require, like, constant maintenance and some actual mechanical knowledge to keep operational. You weren't ready for such an involved hobby. You try in vain to hold on, reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance at a hip coffee shop before leaving in a huff, muttering under your breath, "The fuck? This shit's not even about motorcycle maintenance"” and moving on in search of your next attempt at enlightened relevance.

Develop An App

Apps are where the money's at these days. Oh right, you don't care about money. You've got an for something that actually helps—one that gives micro loans to fair trade coffee producers or, like, an AirBNB where you let homeless people stay on your couch and secretly Febreze them while they sleep. You're not quite sure about the details yet. But call up some of the rich friends you met at Stanford and get this thing into development ASAP. Oh, you didn't go to Stanford? You don't know any venture capitalist? Well, just go on explaining the app while stoned playing Street Fighter III: 3rd Strike.

Finally Write A Novel

You meet a friend for coffee, which is how you spend most of your post-menswear time, apparently, and try to explain why your memoir is, like, totally different from other white dudes who think their life is interesting. You've got real drama to explore. Don't worry, your crazy ex totally won't catch that you changed her named from Megan to Tegan. Sly.

"It’s like Heartbreaking Work, but without the white guilt." Your friend's blank stare convinces you to just write a college party comedy because your drunken stories are wildly better than the actual trials and tribulations of your life. Plus, a movie script has, like, wayyyy fewer words than a book.

Live In A Developing Nation

You're serious about simplifying your life, so show everyone just how committed you truly are by moving (temporarily (aka a month) to a poor country. You try to work your writing connections, maybe finessing a piece for Vice while you're abroad, but fail to find "The Secret Gay Club Where South American Dictators Get Their Jungle Jollies." While amongst the hardworking folk of Ecuador and/or Nepal, get inspired by the utilitarian native garb. Take many images of fabrics and patterns. You will need these for the next stage of your journey…

Have A Kid

None of these half-measures satisfied your need to create something meaningful. Since you've got your carbon footprint down to a minimum, you can justify producing another human who will consume nothing but plastics and processed foods for the next hundred years. To prepare him or her for the future, make Mad Max required watching on a weekly basis. More importantly, the child will let you rekindle your love for fashion, providing you a real life doll on which to project an idealistic image of your younger self. Everyone wins.