How To Fake Your Manliness In 2014

Image via Complex Original

Play Basketball Shirtless For 3 Minutes

Hey, I know that maybe you're terrible at basketball. You maybe even have the coordination of a newborn horse. Maybe you look like a used car lot inflatable tube man when you're trying to block a shot. But it's okay. Just stretch for, like, twenty minutes and then warm up for another ten. When you inevitably have to play a game, and you get royally dicked-on, just blame it on your "bad shoulder." Like, you're going to lose for sure, but you'll look like a dude in a Gatorade commercial, so fuck it. Just make sure you get out of there before your toothpick legs snap like you're Kevin Ware.

Grow A Beard To Hide Your Immaturity

If you grow out a solid facerug, you can hide your frightened, little boy face. Also, beards are great at sopping up the tears that stream out of your eyes in rivers every time one of those Sarah McLachlan puppy commercials comes on.

Pretend To Know About Cars

The situation: Your ride breaks down while you're with a girl. You obviously don't know how cars work, so to avoid looking like a girly man you're going to have to bullshit until the situation resolves itself. First, make sure you know where the button that pops the hood (the "hood-popper" maybe?) is located. Sometimes it's in the glove box behind the Jason Maraz CD that you own because you're a little bitch. Once you find it, start poking around under the hood, touching all sorts of shit as if you know how it works. After a couple of minutes, whip a rag out of your back pocket (super manly), wipe your hands off and say, "The carburetor is shot. We're gonna have to call a tow." I'm not entirely sure what a carburetor does or if it's even part of an automobile, but it has the word "car" in it.

Get Swole By Lifting The Heaviest Possible Weights Until You Injure Yourself

Self-explanatory.

Tell People You're Going Fishing Then Buy Some Fish At The Grocery Store

Going hunting for food to feed your family is the best way to bring out your inner caveman. Hunting, of course, refers to the experience of traversing through the grocery store to the meat section and sifting through the selections until you find the perfect cut of salmon, all while making sure not to disturb the mighty "person you vaguely know and don’t want to talk to" lurking nearby.

Wear An Eyepatch Even Though Both Of Your Eyes Work Just Fine

An eye patch is the universal emblem of badasses. Moreover, the amount of active eyes are inversely proportional to how manly you are. The science looks something like this:

2 Eyes = Total Pussy

1 Eye = Legit

No Eyes = Bad Motherfucker

If you can read this, you’re not manly enough. Slap an eye patch or two on them shits ASAP.

Chop Brittle, Store Bought Wood

Quick fact: Chopping wood is the manliest activity you can do. The problem is, your little girl arms are no match for swinging a big fucking ax and slicing a log into two separate pieces. What you've gotta do is run to your nearest Wholefoods and buy a bunch of pine firewood. That shit is dry as fuck and cuts like butter to a knife. You'll feel like Paul Bunyan, instead of who you normally feel like, Paul Bunyan's sassy friend Philippe.

Shave With A Bowie Knife After Watching An Instructional Video On YouTube

As it turns out, that beard you grew out makes your face look like a Slovakian dude's package. Don't worry though, just shave it off…WITH A FUCKING BOWIE KNIFE. Seriously, once you use a deadly weapon to shave your mug, you're never going to go back to a traditional razor. I mean, Gillette's okay and all, but I think I've moved on to bigger and better things. Hit me up when they come out with the Gillette Bowie Knife and we'll talk. By the way, you're welcome for the million-dollar idea, Gillette. Oh right, make sure you watch an instructional video of how to do this on YouTube so you only hurt yourself a lot, which is way better than inadvertently killing yourself.

Attach Truck Nuts To Your Chrysler Sebring

Unfortunately, you don't have enough cash to replace your comically embarrassing excuse for an automobile with a real car or truck because you've spent all of your money on shoes and $600 T-shirts. Luckily, you can still remind everybody how much of an insecure man you are by literally hanging a pair of testicles on your car.

Get A Pet Snake And Be Secretly Terrified Of It

OH FUCK, did that thing just eat a fucking live mouse?!?!

Cheat At Children's Carnival Games

For some reason, our society has deemed it an incredible feat of masculinity to win at a carnival game. But let's face it, you can't conquer that strongman bell, or the fastball challenge since you can barely conquer a broken escalator without hyperventilating. Don't make a fool of yourself. Instead, while your girl is off getting fried dough, slip the carnie a fifty. You get a five dollar stuffed animal, and he gets to sniff glue for a week. Everybody wins. "I believe this giant SpongeBob SquarePants plush toy is for you, m'lady."

Build Something From IKEA

So, you want to impress your girl through a display of skill and ingenuity in the art of craft? Well, this isn't that, but it's close enough. IKEA furniture is great because it doesn't require the use of any power tools to construct. For first time builders, I suggest taking on a futon. That way, you'll have somewhere to sleep when she ultimately kicks you out of your own bed for not being able to satisfy her.

Stop Crying In Public

Seriously man, you're going to have to cut this shit out. You can't get all glassy-eyed at work every time you watch a YouTube video of a war vet being reunited with his golden retriever when he comes home from Iraq. You've gotta learn to just bottle it up inside and take it out on your kids ten years later.

Buy A Tool Set For Decoration

While you'll never end up using these tools because you're an incompetent child, they will still serve a very useful purpose in your life. Set these bad boys on display in your garage to trick your guests into thinking that you are not the helpless baby that you are, but instead a man who knows how to, at the very least, install a fucking doorknob. Also, you should try to keep appearances up by borrowing your neighbors' tools from time to time because that’s something that grown men do, I think.

Add Rare Steak As A Topping To Your Salad

You know bloody steaks are the go-to man meal...buuuut you're also trying to get rid of that muffin top in time for beach season. Better go with a steak tip salad. It's really the best of both worlds, kind of. She's ordering feta cheese and olives? Haha, chicks, man. Amiright?

Defend Your Girl's Honor By Talking Mad Shit And Then Avoiding Any Physical Altercation Whatsoever

"What did you just say to her? How 'bout you say that again to me, you fucking pussy. See what happens. Oh, you said it again. Well...well, I bet you won't say it one more time. Yeah, say it again and I'll knock your fucking teeth down your...oh shit, you said it. What was I just saying? Nothing, man, nothing. I swear. So weird. What? No, I don't want to fight. I'm not in high school, man. Can't we just be square? Nah? All right, well, see ya later I guess."

Learn How To Bullshit About Sports

Pro tip: John Elway retired in 1999, so you should probably stop trying to work him into your sports conversations.

Have A Friend Named "Sully"

All real, rugged men have at least one friend named "Sully," if not a bunch. He's the guy who stands in the corner in his construction boots, nodding his head indifferently at anything said to him. He spits dip into an empty Arnold Palmer can and has a Celtic cross tattoo somewhere on his body. If you don't have a Sully in your crew, nobody's ever gonna believe you're a real man.