How To Be A Productive Stoner

As a highly-acclaimed OG in the world of fashunz and digital medias (read: someone who has figured out how to make money in my pajamas), I've met a lot of talented dudes and dudettes. Real talk, absent of my usual sarcasm, I've had the pleasure or working with and learning from some incredible inspiring, hard-working and talented creatives since I left the comforting structure of college for the harsh realities of real life. Obviously, working mostly in fashion, I've met a lot of assholes who think their shoes or watch or haircut make them better than everybody else. But mostly it's been positive vibes. There is no magic formula for succeeding in a creative industry. Among the various writers, editors, photographers, designers, stylists, brand managers, etc. that I've respected, there isn't one common trait that unites them, except that they all smoke hella weed. Real talk, 98% of the $ucc$e$ful people I've worked with smoke dubious quantities of marijuana. The asshole with the haircut probably does real drugs and drinks cocktails he saw on Mad Men, but we're too old for real drugs and Mad Men hasn’t been good for, like, four years.

"But A-Lo," you question, "Being stoned doesn't really seem to gel with the get-shit-done attitude required to excel in the harsh world of digitized-creative-media-fashunz." This is true. Being a productive stoner takes work. It takes good weed habits. You know that kid you went to college with who was stoned all the time, but still got a 4.0 and was captain of the swim team and the editor of the school paper? Well, you're not him. This isn't college and you can't waste six hours Vining to Amped 3 once you've been in the real world and seen how much money you could make in that six hours. But fret not because The Pinz is here to help you find a way to be stoned most of the time AND avoid rotting away in a cubicle. Though, if you do happen to be rotting away in a cubicle, you might as well be stoned all the time. Let's run down the signature habits of the highly-effective stoner.

Angelo Spagnolo is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. Read his blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

To-Do Lists

Don't wake-n-bake. Wake and make…a to-do list *slaps knee*. This is a lesson I learned the hard way, which consisted of having a shit ton to do, smoking too early and spending all day watching Samurai Pizza Cats on YouTube. You gotta make a to-do list before smoking. Tape the list to your desk, or magnet that shit to your fridge, or take a picture of it on your phone. Make a physical list, not one you can delete or hide on your computer desktop. Then smoke because breakfast will better if you're blitzed. Plus, if you get some work done by the time The Price Is Right is on, you can watch The Price Is Right. You've earned a break and you'll finally realize how funny Drew Carey is.

Don't Smoke If There Might Be A Urgent Email Headed Your Way

I usually hold off smoking until I'm 74% sure I'm not going to get an urgent email from one of my various bosses. There's nothing worse than sparking at the presumably safe hour of 4pm only to receive a request from the man a few minutes later needing some project done before 5. I know we're talking about being productive while stoned, and I'm not saying you can't perform while high. The killer is the paranoia afterward. Fuck, did I have a typo in that copy? Did I sound like an asshole in that email? Did I remember to attach the document before dipping out of the house and turning off my phone? Weed is all about pozitive vibez and creeping doubt is mortal their enemy.

Exercise

Exercise should be fun. Hooping, skating, smanging, moshing, these are all acceptable forms of cardio. Running or going to the gym is for squares and white people, so naturally, sometimes you have to concede and partake for the good of your arteries. Luckily, weed makes everything fun. Smoke and run through the woods, or around your hood. You'll notice flowers you'd never seen before, fragrant herb gardens and friendly neighborhood kitties who will trot along with you encouragingly. "But, what about your smoke-filled lungs?" Dawgie, NBA players smoke weed non-stop and they run for a living. You can handle it. Smoke enough that your brain is occupied for 30 minutes by contemplating what the fuck was even happening in The Fountain and before you've even figured it out, you'll be back at your front door, having earned all the ridiculous snacks you're sure to consume later.

Politely Encourage Your Non-Productive Stoner Friends To Leave

Smoking with other people is more fun than smoking alone, but having your unemployed friend torpedo your afternoon work sesh by guilting you into playing "just one more game" of NBA2k is the easiest way to not get anything done. Being better than other people requires discipline.

Bongs Are For High-Schoolers

You're a sophisticated adult. Don't derail your entire day by taking a massive bong rip and spending the rest of the day texting your friends about how the NSA is outside your house in an unmarked van because they know you downloaded every episode of Game of Thrones. Fuck though, the |\|$@ can read your texts, so you're fucked anyway. No fun. As black people have known since the dawn of time, blunts and other penis-shaped methods of smoking are much more adult than keeping a stinking glass bowl of dirty water in your cupboard, just waiting to get knocked over and never cleaned up.

Don't Get Too Baked For Easter Dinner

The sacred holiday of 4/20 happens to fall on Easter Sunday this year. The combination of family, little kids looking for eggs and the copious availability of chocolate is a dangerous mix for stoned citizens. Obviously, a holiday which is somehow both about a dude rising from the grave and bunnies laying eggs is nuts anyway, so you should probably smoke before heading to grandma's house for dinner (which is, awesomely, at, like, 1pm on Easter.) But don't indulge in the ganj too hard. An existential debate about whether or not Jesus really came back to life is a surefire way to kill the family-friendly vibe, as is dominating a gang of 6-year-olds in a backyard egg hunt. Get casually vibed, enjoy some ham and 87 robin's eggs, then watch the Blazers play their first playoff game since 2011.