What The 20 Biggest Douchebags From High School Are Up To Now

May 29, 2014
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Complex Original

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Everyone was a huge twat in high school. The people you hated were twats. The people you called your friends were twats. Hell, even you were a twat. Frankly, if I had to guess, I'd wager that you were one of the biggest twats of all, right? But hey, take a deep breath. It's okay. Even I was a twat if you can believe it.

Well, get ready because today we're going to take a trip down memory lane and revisit some of the most memorable twats from your adolescence to make fun of their shortcomings. Moreover, we'll be guessing what sort of depressing activities they are now taking part in as adults. Who knows, maybe you'll even find yourself in here.

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

1. douchbagshighschool

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2. pregnant

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The Pregnant Girl

Everyone had that one pregnant girl in their school. I mean, unless you went to an urban high school, in which case I'm assuming all the girls were preggers (note: everything I know about inner-city schools comes from Dangerous Minds). It was like, we get it sweetie, you're pregnant. Now stop rubbing our faces in it. Put on a baggy sweatshirt and eat a jar of peanut butter and stop complaining. Go have your life ruined somewhere else. You're killing everyone’s vibe.

What they are up to now: Blasting Coolio to drown out the deafening screams of the horrible child(ren) she doesn't love.

3. fatlineman

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The Fat Lineman Who Thought He Was Hot Shit

The football coach recruited this two hundred and fifty pound pile of diabetes to serve as a stupid wall for the opposing team's uncoordinated running back to knock into accidentally. Yet, this fat, Dudley Dursley looking motherfucker would strut around the hallways of your school like he was fucking Broadway Joe with a hard on because he played for a football team with a losing record.

What They Are Up To Now: Taking a hot shit in a Quiznos bathroom.

4. squid

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The Nerd Who Had Sex Before You Did

You put in the hours. You put in the heart and determination. You put in the blood, sweat and tears, but ended up with nothing. Then, out of nowhere Squid Vicious rolls in with his Steve Urkel suspenders and calculus textbook and anals your bae behind the debate team podiums or back stage at jazz band practice. To this day yo'’ll never know why she chose Squidney Poitier over you.

What They Are Up To Now: Ruling the world and dancing on your grave.

5. noface

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The Girl With Big Boobs And No Face

Although this chick had an L.A. rack, she had a Mississippi smile. She was a swamp donkey from the neck up, but for some reason, she thought she was too good for you. Ms. No Face would turn her nose up at you and all the other guys and there was nothing you could do about it.

What They Are Up To Now: She's the wet nurse the wife doesn't have to worry about the husband sleeping with.

6. morningannouncements

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The Kid Who Did The Morning Announcements

The guy that read the morning announcements over the intercom was a straight up cocksucker. You'd be in homeroom trying to catch a quick nap before classes start, dreaming about rubbing your nose in Ms. No Face's enormous tits when this jamoke would chime in with some shit about an ice cream social. MOTHERFUCKER, I AIN'T GOT TIME FOR SOME BITCH ASS ICE CREAM SOCIAL. I'M 15 YEARS OLD. I SMOKED A CIGARETTE ONCE. I DO MY OWN LAUNDRY. I HAVE A LEARNER'S PERMIT. GET OFF ME.

What They Are Up To Now: He runs a True Detective fan theory podcast that nobody listens to.

7. DMX

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The White Kid Who Told People DMX Was His Dad

He wore a du-rag into school and made everyone feel super uncomfortable when he said the N-word, justifying its use with the phrase, "I’m allowed to say it. It's our word." He claimed that a young Earl Simmons was Ruff Ridin' his mom before he made it big and that X would visit every Christmas to give him presents like a terrifying Santa Claus.

Reenactment:

Kid: Aw, no way! Monopoly! Thanks DMX!

DMX: YOU THINK IT'S A GAME? YOU THINK IT'S A FUCKIN' GAME?!

Turns out, his dad was actually a Jewish guy named Larry. Go figure.

What They Are Up To Now: Yelling the lyrics to rap songs as loud as he can, even though nobody thinks he's cool, as he walks down the street to his job at Long John Silvers.

8. sidewaysvisor

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The Dude Who Wore A Sideways Visor*

*Bonus points if the visor was upside down.

What They Are Up To Now: Working at Lids and then probably going to hell. Nobody wants to buy hat hat freshener spray, you fucking piece of shit.

9. smellfingers

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The Dude Who Asked You To Smell His Fingers

"Bro, nobody wants to smell your stanky girlfriend's vagoo, okay? Get that shit out of my face." - Everyone Ever

What They Are Up To Now: He's a Bering Sea fisherman for hire during Alaskan king crab season.

10. hoobastank

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The Guy Who Thought Hoobastank Was The Future Of Music.

This guy spent high school "crawling in the dark, looking for the answer." Unfortunately, the answer was that "The Stank" was, as their name so conveniently implied, hot garbage and that he looked like a fool when he tried to woo the girl he had a crush on with a burned copy of their album. Hoobastank is a preposterous fucking name—red flag city—so this was all your own fault, bro.

What They Are Up To Now: Writing for Four Pins.

11. sigmund

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The Guy That Took AP Psych And Thought He Was Now Qualified To Diagnose Everyone's Mental Health Issues

"I noticed you told your mom that you loved her before you ended your phone conversation. I'm afraid you're suffering from what’s known as Oedipus Complex. You wanna bang your mom, dude. Gross. Either that or you're a gaywad."

What They Are Up To Now: He got his bachelor's in Psychology and works at Jamba Juice.

12. prom

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The Girl Who Turned Down Your Invitation To Prom

She didn't have anyone else to go with, but she still turned you down ruthlessly. She ended up going alone and giving Mark Holburn a handy in the stairwell.

What They Are Up To Now: I don't know, man. She won't return my calls. Probably choking on a dick. Fucking bitch. Good riddance. Unless—UNLESS—you're somewhere out there reading this. I still love you, Jenny Patowlinski.

13. stoner

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The Kid Who Smoked Weed Once And Took The Lifestyle Way Too Seriously

You'd pass him a bowl and he would say something like, "This is alright, but its nothing compared to that OG Purple Monkey Ballz I had the other day. Hail Jah Rastafari!" Yo, relax, dude. You started smoking on Tuesday.

What They Are Up To Now: Getting the all-seeing eye tattooed on his wrist.

14.

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The Wooderson

Although he technically graduated in the late '90s, this guy would somehow find his way into your high school circles. While always a reliable source to get you the booze that you asked for or the ecstasy that you didn't, The Wooderson was still a dick because he slept with all the honnies you had your eye on. That's right, this guy would get nasty with underage high school girls in the back of his Camaro while you jerked off alone in the boys bathroom. Creep Threat Level: Midnight.

What They Are Up To Now: He's the assistant coach of the girl’s basketball team. Alright, alright, alright.

15. valedictorian

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The Valedictorian

Her graduation speech was complete dogshit and included at least one line that read: "In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., 'I, too, have a dream.'" Cue everyone in the audience killing themselves.

What They Are Up To Now: She's still working out the kinks to her Suicide Hotline profession.

16. senioritis

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The Kid Who Said "Senioritis" Way Too Many Times

…Or at all, ever.

What They Are Up To Now: He has engaged in a lot of intravenous drug use and wound up with Senioritis' distant relative, Hepatitis C.

17. copdad

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The Kid Whose Dad Was A Cop

This kid never had to play by the rules. He could drink like a fish and drive like an asshole. He'd never get in trouble because his old man was the head bitch in charge of the local police department.

What They Are Up To Now: He literally just turned in his gun and badge.

18. parties

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The Girl Who Never Invited You To Her House Parties

You roll up to her place looking to get your teenage drank on (taking Smirnoff Ice straight to the face, puking and crying until you pass out), but she denies you access to the party. "Nothing against you, but if I let you in then I'm gonna have to let everyone in like the minority kids, and nobody wants that."

What They Are Up To Now: She's a PTA mom striving to create an environment of inclusion and equal treatment for students.

19. PDA

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The PDA Couple

"Yeah we're making out in the hallway, what of it? I'm fourteen, which means I'm an adult now! I'm confident with my body! Let me express my love with my girlfriend. God, I hate this school."

What They Are Up To Now: Doing webcam sex shows.

20. highschooltattoo

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The Guy Who Got The Name Of The School Tattooed On Himself

"This is it, guys. This summer after graduation is gonna be the time of our lives! We're gonna stay friends forever! Let's go Wildcats! Who's with me?!"

What They Are Up To Now: He's a high school janitor at his alma mater and has zero friends.

21. airplaneglue

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The Kid Who Sniffed Airplane Glue By The Dumpster

You were stuck being lab partners with this guy in chemistry and he never showed up because he was always too fucked up to function. Seriously though, I wonder if he's doing all right. Like, I hope he's okay.

What They Are Up To Now: He's dead.

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