Guys, the asshole who came up with "metrosexual" has coined another portmanteau to describe men. Guess what it's called? I'll wait. Never mind. Fuck it. You're not gonna guess it because it makes zero fucking sense. It's "spornosexual." Yeah, exactly. FUCK YOU, DUDE. YOU COINED A TERM IN 1994 THAT HAS SOMEHOW STUCK AROUND 'TIL 2014. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP COMING UP WITH INACCURATE TERMS TO DESCRIBE MEN. YOU'RE NOT JA RULE CIRCA WHENEVER JA RULE MADE, LIKE, ELEVENTY BILLION SONGS WITH ASHANTI THAT WERE ALL THE SAME SONG.
"Spornosexual," according to Mark Simpson, describes how the intersection of sport and porn has influenced men to want their bodies to be desired instead of their clothing. THANKS, MARK. YOU JUST DESCRIBED EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING PLANET. Dudes have always wanted people to notice their bodies. Working out was cooler way before dressing like a dipshit in statement chinos and bow ties ever was.
According to The New York Post, Simpson coined the term because "society continues to destigmatize homosexuality." I don't know what being gay has to do with having those crazy penis muscles that soccer players and Brad Pitt in Fight Club have. I mean, everyone, regardless of their sexuality, wants to look like Adonis, and that hasn't changed since, well, Adonis was alive. Regardless, all this doesn't mean we need another stupid term that paints too broad a stroke and is still is used to describe stereotypical "straight" behavior. CAN WE FINALLY JUST ADMIT THAT THE ONLY REAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A STRAIGHT GUY WHO LIKES CLOTHES AND WORKS OUT, AND A GAY GUY WHO LIKES CLOTHES AND WORKS OUT IS WHO THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO? Like, seriously, that's it. Even then, that might not actually be a point of difference. I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN BRAD PITT IN FIGHT CLUB?
Admit it, we've all been watching a movie or something with our girls and the guy on screen takes his shirt off and your girl makes that audible gasp that girls make when the see really nice abs. And at first you're like, "Whatever, I’m funny." But then she notices you noticing her noticing him, so she says something along the lines of, "Oh, no, I mean, that's nice to look at, but it's just too much. I like you 'cause you're cuddly, baby," which makes us all want to go take steroids and get calf implants, but instead we just eat our feelings at Chipotle.
