If you're some Theodore Twombly looking motherfucker, then you've come to the right place. There's a war out there and I'm here to be your personal guide through the terror. If you want to survive the summer in lame ass America then shut the fuck up and do as I say. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I’m from Cape Cod. I've seen some shit.
Get ready to bust out your boat shoes and chug some Bud Light Lime! Before you know it, you'll be doing whatever the swagless equivalent of doing PCP with Denzel Washington in a police cruiser is. Your mind is gonna be blown so bad, people will call you Oberyn Martell (Game of Thrones joke). Keep up, champ.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. swaglessguylead
2. sunscreeen
3. sockswithsandals
4. schwinn
5. mikehards
6. pool
7. grill
Wear A Shirt While Grilling
Uncle Doug's chest looks like the Hound's face (another choice Game of Thrones joke) because he thought the dress code was McConaughey casual at the Fourth of July BBQ. Put on a T-shirt, man.
Damn it, I should have said his chest looked like Kevin Spacey from Pay It Forward. I had my chance and choked under pressure. Get it together, Rimer.
8. jorts
9. sandwich
10. sharks
11. ticks
12. norunningpool
13. pickupbasketball
14. boat
15. snowcone
16. buddsysystem
17. fireworks
18. buydrugs
19. leash
20. drivelikeasshole
21. aloe
Engage In Aloe Bukkake
Yo, let's face it, you're gonna get sunburned. While you were taking those Cranberry Mike’s Hard Lemonades to the face, you forgot to reapply your sunscreen and now you look like a the mascot of a D.C. football team that Congress is super pissed at right now. As soon as you get home, you best squirt that aloe all over your face and body until you hate yourself...I mean, until it doesn't burn anymore. Uh, sorry, that was weird.