Father's Day is this Sunday, but you probably already know that because you've probably already gotten about fifteen emails about some "great gifts for Dad." Like all children, you will take your dad out to brunch or something on Sunday, get him a lotto ticket and call it a day. Father's Day, and all the shitty gifts that it has begotten, is like a national holiday for the remembrance of disappointing your dad. And if we are experts at anything here at Four Pins, it's disappointing our dads. So, in lieu of a boring ass Father's Day Gift Guide that nobody wants to read, we are more than pleased to bring you, the Four Pins Guide to Disappointing Your Dad.
1. dadlead
2. terribleatsports
Suck At Sports
All dads, despite their own athletic prowess, or lack thereof, want their children to be athletic. Your dad knows that being even a little athletic will make your life easier on the playground and that one time in your late '20s you agree to a pick-up game that you have no business agreeing to play in. So, right out the gate, disappoint your dad by straight sucking at anything requiring even the littlest bit of physical coordination and running. Or, in the alternative, be really into a sport that is not your dad's favorite. My dad’s favorite sport is baseball and there are, to date, exactly three photos of me holding a bat or wearing a glove. But there are, like, fifteen billion photos of me wearing a lacrosse uniform. My dad wasn't angry that I flirted with being a lax bro per se, he was just disappointed.
3. dateawful
4. ronaldo
5. lamefrat
6. charcoalgrill
Never Learn How To Start A Charcoal Fire Without Lighter Fluid
It's part of your dad's DNA to be able to start fires and fix minor things on your car like flat tires, spark plugs, dead batteries and that one thing that seems really complicated, but is actually totally simple, but you never learn that one because your dad always makes you hold the flashlight, while he does all the work and you're 25 years old and you still can't hold it steady enough for him. Damn, you're worthless. Anyhow, this Sunday, invite your dad over to your place for a BBQ. Instead of hanging out in his backyard, your whole family can stand in the seven square feet you call a "courtyard," while you try and grill hamburgers on those tiny shitty grills that hipsters use to grill vegan bullshit on rooftops and in public parks. Fumble with the lighter fluid and watch your dad's eyes roll completely into the back of his head because he just realized his son uses lighter fluid instead of a charcoal chimney. DADS FUCKING LOVE A GOOD CHARCOAL CHIMNEY.
7. bridge
Never Watch The Bridge Over The River Kwai
If you're anywhere near my age, your dad low-key loves this move. So, in the interest of keeping this list as accurate as possible, don't ever watch that shit and instead tell him how Wes Anderson is a genius.
8. dcotor
9. bowtie
10. stcikshift
Never Learn How To Drive A Stick Shift
Your dad knows how to use a clutch. Your dad has lots of skills that one doesn't necessarily need to possess in this day and age, like operating manual transmissions and lighting fires and tying specific types of knots and working on things in the house that require the electricity to be turned off. Pretty soon, cars are going to literally drive themselves, yet it still pisses your dad off that you never learned how to drive stick. Inevitably, your dad will drive a manual and you'll think it's because he has more control or it's a little cheaper or whatever, but really it's because that way his dumb fuck of a son can't borrow his car and smoke weed in it with another poor asshole's dumbfuck of a son. Remember, that's what your mom's minivan is for.
11. gift
