Let's face it, you're a shitty person. And you're definitely going to hell. It's pretty much a given at this point and we're not here to waste breath debating that fact. Rather, today we'll be focusing on the many different types of people you'll meet when you finally set up tormented afterlife shop.
You're probably thinking that you'll find the usual suspects—murderers, rapists, adulterers—and you couldn't be farther from the truth. No, the real despicable sinners destined to be cast into a molten pit of eternal damnation have committed far worse atrocities. Let's get to know your new neighbors.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. HELLEAD
2. Crossfit
3. toiletpaper
4. girlscoutcookie
5. hallmark
The Guy Who Writes The Messages In Hallmark Cards
This dude is rolling in hookers and coke and Scrooge McDuck money from writing gems like: "Garfield may hate Mondays, but he sure does love Saturdays. Happy Bar Mitvah! You're finally a man. Shalom!" If he's anything like Theodore Twombly, he's also fucking his computer too. Meanwhile, you are eating leftover Chinese food off the latest issue of Complex because you're all out of plates. You're both on the highway to hell.