The DJ Khaled Guide To Life

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Lesson: Make Power Moves

Everyone is a coward, but you. Sometimes you have to tell the CEO of iTunes to bring in the most powerful servers. A lot of times customer service agents say they cannot do something, but you have to keep demanding someone higher up the chain that has actual power. "I don't give a fuck what your return policy is, Target. I don't have a receipt and didn’t buy this here, but you are going to give me $100 for this expired milk. Oh, you're not? Let me speak to the CEO of Dairy."

Bonus #PowerMove: Have sex with every mom on planet Earth. You'll be able to use this as leverage on an uncompromising fuccboi. "That is unfortunate that you can't help me out. I guess I'll just have to find solace in your mother's vagina… again."

Lesson: Be Totally And Completely Self-Absorbed

In this vine, DJ Khaled proceeds to pop a champagne bottle and hit Meek Mill with the cork. DJ Khaled does not flinch or apologize or even notice. He is blissfully unaware. To be successful you must only focus on yourself. Other people and their feelings are garbage.

Lesson: Be A Master Debater

You are always right and everyone else is always wrong. Use that mentality to argue your points. They don't even have to make sense. As long as you believe in yourself and half-believe the words you squawk in the face of a h8r, you will win. DJ Khaled appeared on ESPN and completely sonned Skip Bayless, a professional sports talker man, by pointing out that there are back-up systems.

PS: Always cite "The Streets" as your source. The Streets are always abuzz with the inside scoop and no cracker-ass-cracker will be able to argue with that knowledge.

Lesson: Show Your Bros Love

Sponsor your bro to get into your country club. Let your bro borrow your Jaguar while his is in the shop. Give your bro the OK to sleep with your girlfriend. What's yours is his, and what's his is yours. Be the yin to his yang. You are both suffering from success, and you'll need a muscular, rippling, toned, firm and sexy deltoid to rest your weary head on from time to time.

Lesson: Be So Rich You Don't Really Understand How Capitalism Works

Amass so much wealth that you forget how and where to buy things. You won't need to know because someone around you or on the Internet will do it for you. Forget how much gas costs. Give someone a $20 bill for a bag of ice and be surprised when you get change. Become out of touch with reality because you are too busy winning to know if a $1,500 DirecTV bill is normal.

Also, never be more than 30 steps from a jacuzzi.

True wealth means never having to hear another human being wipe their sphincter in the stall next to you because all of your bathrooms are private.

Lesson: Always Be Working Out

Treating your body like a temple is a must if you plan on living long enough for scientists to invent Lazarus Pits for you to then live forever. If you have time to stand around, you have time to be on a treadmill.

Bonus #PowerMove: Walk into a merger sweaty in athletic gear. The other businessmen will be so shook thinking about how at any point you might rattle off 45 pull-ups that they'll miss that clause you put in the contract about how you are now legally their children's father.

Lesson: Tell Bitches You Love Them A Lot And Often

Give bitches diamond rings and follow them around the city telling them how much you love them. Follow them into Starbucks, the gym shower, their office building. A restraining order is nothing but proof of your commitment.

Lesson: Work With The Most Talented People

No one knows what DJ Khaled does, but he's always around other captains and titans of industry as well as masters of their craft. Surround yourself with the best and you will, in turn, be the best.

Lesson: Always Win

Subsequently, don't ever lose. It's pretty simple. Just always win. Don't even entertain the idea that you could lose because it is not possible in the delusional ego force field bubble in which you reside.

Lesson: Stay Woke

Never go to sleep. Sleep is weakness overpowering your body. You need more hours in the day to flex on fuccbois that you are indeed the best. Descend into madness and use energy drinks as your belay device. The delirious visions will only make you stronger and more powerful.