Mindless fighting is part of our culture here in the United States. It's as American as apple pie or being shitty to Native Americans. From coked out pro wrestlers like Macho Man Randy Savage, to coked out boxers like Mike Tyson, to coked out Civil War generals like Ulysses S. Grant, Americans have never been able to turn away the chance to see a dude's face broken in half—not deep down in their heart of hearts, at least.
Luckily, I have good news on this front. Remember that movie Road House? You know, the one where Patrick Swayze plays the toughest bouncer in the country and he spends whole movie beating the shit out of dudes and ripping their throats out? Well, by following these 20 simple steps, you won't be able to do any of that shit, but you will know the basic principles of starting and finishing a fight, which, if it isn't obvious enough already, is the best way to resolve any and all conflicts. I mean, what else are you supposed to do? Use your fucking words? LOL that super lame.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. fightlead
2. fight1
3. fight2
4. fight3
5. fight4
6. fight5
7. fight6
8. fight7
9. fight8
10. fight9
11. fight10
12. fight11
13. fight12
14. fight13
Step 13. Knock Over An Innocent Bystander
While you are pretending to get free from the gasp of your boys' loving arms, make sure you smoke a random biddie in the jaw and send her drink flying all over the place. She may approach you angrily, but ignore her. You've got bigger fish to fry. I mean, this is the fucking guy who knocked over your drink, after all.
15. fight14
16. fight15
17. fight16
18. fight17
Step 17. Call Him A Pussy For Not Hitting You
Even though you didn't hit him, he's a total puss for not hitting you. Make sure he knows it as your respective camps are still in the act of perpetually pulling you away from the conflict.