1. Friendly trash talk should be encouraged. Something like, "Mike? Week 5? You're going down, pal," or "Hey, Mike. I know where you live. I know where you work," or even "Mike, I'm coming to murder you tonight while you sleep. Football." Trash talk livens up the league and makes your match-ups that much more exciting.
2. Make sure you know your league rules, as some players will hold more worth depending on the scoring system. For instance, in a league where backbreaking interceptions and hilarious facial expressions are highly valued, Eli Manning is a surefire first round pick.
3. PPR leagues are becoming more and more popular in the fantasy world. PPR, of course, stands for Points Per Rapscallion, encouraging players to draft the NFL's most mischievous scamps and ne'er-do-wells.
4. Arrive about an hour late to your draft. This power move will show your fellow managers that you aren't messing around. "Wow," they'll all definitely say for sure, "this guy must be good. He doesn't even need to be on time."
5. Don't get sucked in just because everyone else is drafting QBs or TEs. You actually don't need to draft those players at all. You can pick whomever you want. Nothing matters. Life is meaningless.
6. Some important terms to know: "Average Draft Position," "IDP," "Injured Reserve," "Football," "Pigskin," "Score," "Football Score," "What's The Score In The Game," "Which One Is The Team I Want To Win," "Did My Player Get Any Points," "Is It Good That He Did That," "Sleeper."
7. Players to watch: Jamaal Charles, Adrian Peterson, Peyton Manning, Demaryius Thomas, Calvin Johnson, Dez Bryant. If you manage to get all of these guys on your team, look out, you might just do some damage!
8. Players to avoid: Terry Bradshaw, Jerry Rice, Johnny Unitas, Elroy "Crazy Legs" Hirsch, Shane Falco. These players are all retired, dead or fictional.
9. If another manager refuses to accept your trade request, throw in your best player. He'll definitely go for it then. Congratulations, you've made a trade!
10. If you don't pay attention to bye weeks, then you can say "bye" to any chance of winning your league!
11. If you don't pay attention to the waiver wire, then you can "waive" goodbye to any chance of winning your league!
12. If you don't pay attention to a player's average draft position, then you can "average draft position" to any chance of winning your league!
13. You may have heard of snake drafts before. They have nothing to do with fantasy football. In this draft you pick the coolest snakes and the winner is decided based on who has the coolest snakes.
14. "Fantasy" football? What is this, Game of Thrones? I SAID, what is this, Game of Thrones?
15. If a player on your team performs poorly, let them know by tweeting angry, incoherent nonsense at them. They will play better next time because of this.
16. Ruining drafts, mock or otherwise, is childish buffoonery. Grow up.
17. Name your team "The Pigskin Padres." There are two P's in a row.
18. Just basically pick anyone you want. You'll probably come 5th.
Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.
