The Four Pins Guide To Flexing In A No Flex Zone

Aug 14, 2014
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Complex Original

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"Wake up, wake up, flex your muscles, GOD!" - Isaiah 51:11, The Message (MSG)

God flexed. I mean, what do you call building an entire universe from scratch? Inventing dinosaurs and (no) homosapiens was just one gigantic fucking disrespectful flex: Manufacture flawed entities and have them attempt to find solace in a world (you created) that delivers nothing but suffering. That connection to our maker still exists. The need—the want, the desire—to flex surges through our veins. Life is nothing more than a competition. To flex is human. It is an instinct. Found deep within our horny lizard brains, the dulled synapses fire an almost 24/7 message of "FLEX! FLEX! FLEX!" in response to each situation we encounter. Why wouldn't you flex every chance you get? Perhaps, you are a pathetic milksop (tbh this is probably the reason). Though, sometimes, unfortunately, decorum dictates that you, in fact, not flex.

While we are free to flex a majority of the time, No Flex Zones exist. Thanks to who I believe are two elementary school students, Rae Sremmurd, the awareness of No Flex Zones is at an all-time high. However, at no point in their hit song do they make mention of what to do when you find yourself in one. These cowards merely reinforce the rhetoric of the Obama administration: "You know you aren't supposed to flex here so don't even think about it." Fuck that. Last time I checked, this is AMERICA, and Bush did 9/11. If I want to flex, boy howdy, I am going to flex. Like our human origins, our country's origins are steeped in flexing when we shouldn't have: "Thank you so much for saving us during that cruel winter, Native Americans. Here, have these totally-not-laced-with-small-pox blankets." To aid you in your quest to be a top flexer, we've compiled a handy guide to flexing in a, that's right, No Flex Zone

Justin Roberson is flexing right now. Can you tell? Follow him on Twitter here.

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No Flex Zone: Funeral

You are expected to let the deceased "rest in peace" and be "respectful." Don't do either of those things. Show up to the funeral late with three dozen doves hidden inside your suit. After whatever loved one delivers the eulogy, stand up at the back of the church and say, "It is we who should be mourning our own lives. Only in death are we truly free," then release 36 doves like an ornithological Lebron James pre-game ritual. Proceed to Heely down the aisle and hit a 540 frontside handplant on the coffin. If your friend wasn't dead they would totally dap you for your heroism.

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No Flex Zone: Bris

A mohel usually oversees this ceremony, as they are trained to circumcise penises. But, really, how hard can sheering some foreskin be? I imagine if you've ever cut construction paper, you can cut a foreskin.Bring your own edge patterned scissors, which you can scoop at any women's rights-infringing craft store for a few dollars, and give that foreskin a few snips. Your nephew will thank you forever for the avant-garde designer mushroom print pattern.

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No Flex Zone: Library

Librarians are always telling you to "Shhhh!" You are supposed to respect the sanctity of a library aka Trader Prose. But those bookworm assholes are surreptitiously flexing on you. Double-down and reverse the flex by walking in with a megaphone and shouting, "Where are the sexuality books located? My lover and I are looking to expand our carnal knowledge. I can assure you all that I have had sex. I gets it nasty too. My favorite part of the vulva is the cross-flap! I respect women's sexual needs!"

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No Flex Zone: Wedding

It’s the bride's day! Who gives a shit? Everyone is only there because they have a tangential connection to the couple and were promised bountiful alcohol at the end of the night. Call around to all area florists and get an identical bouquet as bride. Right before the bride tosses her bouquet, throw your own bouquet and immediately pull out a ring that costs more than the bride's and propose to the girl who caught the flowers on the spot. Turn the reception into your engagement shower. Shout outs to mashed potato bars.

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No Flex Zone: National Anthem

Pull your penis out, which just so happens to have an American flag attached to it. Just be sure it's not after an ambitious night of self-gratification—you don't want to fly the flag at half-mast. That's unpatriotic.

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No Flex Zone: Graduation

Straight up slap the shit out of your president/principal. That fuccperson never loved nor cared about you. Before the "resource officer" can tackle you, take off your cap to reveal a stack of money and make it rain all over your underpaid, yet deserving of higher wages professors/teachers.

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No Flex Zone: Conference Call

Conference calls are by nature boring. So, when you have the opportunity to be a savior, take it. Ad-lib the other participant's statements.

"I'd like to have the non-brand campaign launched by Tuesday."

Campaigns going up on a Tuesday!

"We value this partnership."

Synergy! Synergy! Synergy!

"Can you reach out to your Google Rep?"

Finessing the plug!

All of the businesspeoples involved will feel 1,000 times cooler. So much so, in fact, that they won't even snitch to HR about you telling Suzy from marketing, "That thang so round I wanna swap out one of my tires for it and drive it 'til it's flat." You'll be showered with Klout perks and get sponsored by LinkedIn.

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No Flex Zone: Hospital

Simply strut about and tout your overall good health. Don't breathe using a ventilator. Wear normal clothes that aren't robes that showcase your buttcheeks. This one is actually pretty simple. For the ultimate flex, call in a favor and rock the all over Supreme box logo scrubs. Be careful. Doctors will see how sick your swag is and think you are a terminal patient trying to escape.

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No Flex Zone: Church

Perform your own Holy Communion with moscato and CHEETOS® Puffs Simply White Cheddar Cheese Flavored Snacks. Like that The Office episode where they had the two different parties at the same time and everyone went to the more turnt one. Make your Eucharist the turn up function of the century. People will be redeemed in your everlasting swag. Congrats. You are now a cult leader.

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No Flex Zone: Humane Society

All the dogs in there are up for adoption. If they don't get adopted, they usually end up getting killed. That is fucked up. As a habitual flexer, you step up in the spot and adopt every animal in the building. Nothing says "FLEX!" like saving the lives of animals. Give every one of them a dope name like "Mr. Fuzzyworth," or "Gigglebits," or "Dr. Crackers," but also name them after every one of your h8rz's ex-girlfriends so when those fuccbois lurk your IG they see you snuggled up to a painful memory. Make 'em cry in their loft apartments while cuddling their $1,500 English Bulldog puppy they now regret buying.

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