1:35am, April 2, 2015: I can't sleep. I am laying in bed thinking about the jorts. Will this be a good or bad idea? I hope that my thighs don't hurt too much from doing too many rap squats while wearing these tight ass jorts.
According to Urban Dictionary, jorts are jean shorts that are "worn mostly by children and douchebags." If there has ever been a reason not to go to Urban Dictionary for any guidance or wisdom whatsoever than this here is it. The article does go on to say: "The term 'jorts' does not apply to jean shorts worn by black people, as those are entire acceptable." I am a black person, so it's acceptable. Jorts are merely an extension of being a human being. Everyone should wear them. I have about four pairs that I rotate throughout the week. Since I am an authentic jorts wearer I make mine from old jeans. I even have a special drawer that is full of the bottom half of the leftover fabric from the jeans that have been blessed.
1.
The idea of wearing jorts to prom was something that kind of started as a joke or kind of like that guy that tells everyone that he's not going to college and he's going to be in this band with his bros, but he eventually succumbs and goes to college to be a businessman like his dad, except I decided, nope, I am not going to succumb. If I am going to go to prom I am doing it my way. My dad wasn't too keen with the idea, but my date was on board with me wearing jorts and for the rest of my alphet I drew inspiration from Pharrell's 2014 Oscar look.
1:28pm: I am going to wear the black jorts as they are my most formal option. I don't want to go with the blue ones because I don't want to look like some teen that works on a farm and I don't want to go with the light blue ones because with the outfit it screams Etsy vegan spring wedding and that's not what we, my date and I, are going for. I am cutting the frayed ends of the jorts more closely so my date's mom doesn't think I'm a hoodlum who isn't housebroken.
2:02pm: When will it be 5? I want to stunt and officially take the crown as the dude who wore jorts to prom and totally nailed it.
4:40pm: The jorts are on and I look like trash. I take them off. I am brainstorming how to fix this hot mess. Maybe if I add a bow tie it won't look as bad.
2.
5:15pm: I posted a picture of my outfit on Twitter Dot Com and a follower of mine says, "Rock the fuck on." This is a good stunt. I feel better.
5:30pm: Just switched out my Adidas SL Loops back to my all black Vans and the outfit looks better.
5:59pm: My dad just came downstairs and looks me up and down a lot. I wonder if his neck and head hurt. He makes me take several pictures outside of our house. Some of these pictures I'm sure will go on his Facebook. All of his friends will probably think I look weird.
3.
6:38pm: I am at the house where we are supposed to take couples' pictures. Several parents have complimented me. They say that it matches me and my date's outfit. My dad is proudly calling me Pharrell. I think this is his proudest moment as a father. I should have put more lotion on my ankles.
4.
7:33pm: We leave the place where we take couples' pictures and arrive at a place where we will allegedly do marijuanas. Someone compliments my attire. I say that because they don't explicitly say they like my jorts, just, "Nice attire." This is not what I did this for. This is the equivalent of Kris Jenner only offering Kanye the compliment "good job" after hearing one of his songs.
7:45pm: There is a dog that keeps coming near me and I am scared. I have heard that dogs can smell fear and I do not know if the jorts are making it worse. But I did not get this dressed up to be mauled by a goddamn dog before prom even starts. I am high.
5.
7:58pm: I am now in the car and have been DJing for about 20 minutes. I have never had the aux cord passed to me for this long. I do not know if it is because I made such a bold statement with the jorts that the other passengers think that I will make bold music choices or they just really like If You're Reading This It's Too Late. Tequila is good.
8:28pm: We are at Burger King. I do not order anything. My date does. I turn around with my back facing the counter and right as I turn the woman at the register looks at me in disgust. Why are you mad, baby love? You don't like jorts?
8:52pm: I make it into prom. Someone calls my jorts "trousers." I am too lit to tell them that they are, in fact, not trousers. They are jorts.
8:54pm: My school counselor walks by, does a double take and comes back to look at me. She says I am a fashion icon, continuously making statements with my style. I wonder if she has seen Yeezy Season 1? I am at the point of compliments where I wonder if everyone is Regina Georging me, telling me to my face that they like my jorts and then turning around to their friends and telling them I look like trash.
9:07pm: I do my second rap squat of the night. I need to do more. The kid I rap squat with and his date attempt to question my sexuality by subtly trying to ask where my date is by using a male pronoun. Was it the jorts that made them think it was a good idea to make make such an ignorant remark?
6.
10:06pm: It is awkward as fuck seeing a friend that you don't fuck with anymore. This observation is independent of wearing jorts.
10:15pm: As I type my notes for the evening so I can write this, I'm being stared at by some bros. I think it's because I have been dancing with several dudes' dates that aren't mine and they feel some sort of way about it. I am sorry that the ladies love my jorts and that I possess rhythm on every song and not just songs where the lyrics are explicit instructions on how to dance.
10:42pm: I'm outside with some people because inside it is hotter than natural hair under a quick weave and someone asks me if I designed this outfit myself. To consider myself a designer just because I am wearing this is an insult to all the designers that came before me, so I say, "Kind of."
10:48pm: My date tells me she is leaving at 11 with the group that I came with. But I am not leaving. No yet. We still have an hour left at prom. Does this mean she is ditching me or am I ditching her? I haven't danced with my date once. Hopefully, me staying results in hearing "Jam" by Kim Kardashian.
10:57pm: "Trap Queen" sounds better when you are wearing jorts at prom. This is a fact.
7.
11:00pm: I am standing in my own zone when someone came up to me and goes, "Oh my god, have you been wearing that the whole night?" I confirm their suspicions. They yell, "Oh my god, you're a savage!" In 2015, it is good to be labeled as a "savage" according to the vernacular of the youth.
11:25pm: People are currently going crazy for that Footloose song. I have not heard louder screams all night. They are screaming like they just found out that they are all going to college for free. I have only seen the newest version of Footloose and there was a lot of grinding and jorts, but I can't grind to this. I go to sit down.
12:01am, April 3, 2015: My jorts feel extremely tight right now. My thighs hurt. I did not do enough squats to prepare for the rap squats that I did tonight. The last song is playing right now. It's "Don’t Stop Believing." I did not stop believing that they would play decent music and here I am in a circle, embracing with people singing "Don't Stop Believing."
1:01am: I arrive home. The jorts are off. I lay in my bed listening to "Legend" by Drake to cleanse my soul. I wore jorts to prom.
Malcolm Musoni wore jorts to prom. Follow him on Twitter here.
