Look, I know I don't need to tell you this, but you're fat, man. While your not-fat friends spend time playing racquetball and participating in organized fleeing (aka jogging), or whatever else "regular sized" people do to maintain their physiques, you were lying around your house in your 4XL basketball shorts playing League of Legends, eating Cinnabons by the box and drinking gallons of Baja Blast.
Rest your quickly and erratically beating heart, fellow fat guy. I am not here to tell you to put down the 'Bon and cancel that Domino's order and hit the P90X, especially because I'm not sure what that even in exactly. I am here to do what no one did for me when I was a #fatteen. I am going to provide a practical guide for how fat guys should dress themselves.
There is no truly helpful guide on how to dress or what kinds of clothes to wear when you're a fat guy because 1. Fashion people want you to feel shamed for being shaped like you are and 2. There's inherently less money in fat guy thinkpiece lists. When there are "guides" on how fat guys should dress, they usually emphasize making you look less fat or their biggest tip is to wear suspenders like you're the Nutty Professor.
I say enough is enough. There's no shame in being fat, but there's also no one out there telling you what you need to know when it comes to clothing yourself. Let's change that.
Andrew Winistorfer is famous for being the fat kid who loves cake that 50 Cent mentioned on "21 Questions." He lives in Madison, Wisconsin and he's on Twitter here.
1. talley
2. sweats
Don't Wear Sweatpants Or T-Shirts Too Much
Fat man fashion is largely centered on covering girth in the least obtrusive way possible, which means 90% of the clothes available are either T-shirts or sweatpants. You would think that this is a dank way to live, but when you're a fat man everyone already assumes you've given up on life, and if you're seen in public too often rocking your ironic 4XL Three Wolf tee and sweats, you start looking not only fat, but sad. And there is no creature more swaggerless and more pitiful than the sad fat man.
So, limit yourself to wearing T-shirts only a couple days a week and make sure they cover both your butt crack and also the bottom of your belly—the silent problem of the fat guy T-shirt industry—and wearing sweatpants in public only on weekends. After all, when you're fat, all your pants are literally sweat pants.
3. boxer briefs
4. tailor
5. new balance
6. big tall
7. stock up
Once You Define Your Fat Guy Swag, Stock Up
This is the part where I'm supposed to tell you what’s "in" for 2015 or whatever, but I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea. One of the realities of being a fat guy is that the "fall preview" or "summer collection" of any "trendy" or "cool" fashion brand has never applied to any of us. GQ might be able to tell you that you should load up on espadrilles and Alexander Wang hoodies and drop crotch leather onesies or whatever, but none of those products are ever going to come in your size, and those glossy features and editorials are not directed at you anyway. They're directed at your thin, swagless coworker in the red jeans. So, no, I can't tell you that you should be wearing floral patterns this season or whatever. I don't know.
But the biggest advice (fat pun wholly intended) I can give you is that once you decide on your non-sweats, non T-shirt style, you need to strike while the iron is hot and load up on the brands that don't make you look like you're Homer wearing a muumuu. Fat guy brands can come and go quickly, so if you find something that works, get multiples. I own one perfect flannel shirt and it pains me every single day that I didn't buy 6 of them when I had the chance. Avoid my fate, fellow fats. Buy your brands and buy them often. Godspeed out there.
