Everyone talks about thots, but it's almost always designated to just women. Not to get all r/mensrights on you, but it's about time we acknowledge the plight of the male thot. No one is fostering young male thots and teaching them the ways of proper male thotsmanship, but that's why I'm here. Even though I'm on my 2015 Serial Monogamist shit and currently wifed up, I had a 2014 male thot phase that made me who I am today and despite being in a relationship, I have still done my best to retain the male thot aesthetic. Being a male thot is a full-time job and it's one that both costs you and doesn't pay. It's not really a sustainable career so you should probably also get a separate job, but when you're not doing that, focus all your energy on being the best male thot you can be.
Be A Hyphenate
Having just one career is for the celibate. Be at least 5 different kinds of useless. A true male thot should consider himself an actor-producer-rapper-curator-model-artist-DJ, even though that probably just means you're a barista-bartender. No matter the hyphenate combo, always include DJ.
Be Popping Online
Being a thot is an art and your canvas is Instagram. Post flattering selfies with self-deprecating fake humble captions that make it look like you don't even care and then delete it if it gets less than 50 likes.
Male Feminism
Mention how much of a nice guy Male Feminist you are and how you hate straight white men, but you're one of the good ones. Tell her about how you check your privilege. Tell her about how you're not one of these scumbags who lies to have a lot of sex. She'll love it!
The Guest List
Wherever you are, always be on the guest list and always talk about it. Like, a lot. You didn't pay to get in here! "But this is a Chipotle," she might say. "Exactly. Pretty cool huh?"
Drink Tickets
Finesse the drink ticket plug. Know the DJ or be the DJ because paying for drinks is for suckers. If you're at Chipotle, get a water cup and steal soda.
Wardrobe
Come through in a hoodie without a shirt. I recently copped the Cabo San Lucas hoodie seen above from Goodwill for $5. It's already such a quintessential male thot move, but if you throw Cabo into the mix, you're at peak thot. You look like you just landed from having all the sex at Spring Break and you're ready to do more.
Pack Heavy (Mostly)
Pack a toothbrush, floss, mouthwash, facial wash, facial toner, cotton balls, Q-tips, body wash, shampoo, conditioner, contacts case, contact solution, deodorant, condoms and literally never an extra shirt.
Spill On Yourself
As early as possible, "accidentally" spill wine or sauce on your hoodie. What if I'm not at a restaurant or eating food, you ask? Bring your own sauce, ya dummy, and spill it all over your Cabo San Lucas hoodie. "Oops, I guess I have to take this off," you say. "Brandon, you have friggin' nice muscles. Your hot bod makes me so dang horny," she'll respond.
Actually, Make Your Own Sauce
Now that I think about it, don't just bring your own sauce, make your own. Before he started selling his signature Donkey Sauce at his Times Square restaurant, known male thot Guy Fieri spent years inviting girls to "try his sauce" and he has a well-known 100% success rate.
Don't Have Your Own Place
Raise the stakes! Your motivation for being a male thot will be a lot higher if you're fucking for shelter. The longer you keep your own place, the longer you're keeping a safety net you know you can jack off in. Nope, not anymore!
Brandon Wardell is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. He raps with Drew Millard under the name "Nice Boys." Their mixtape, Yeezus 2, drops this summer. He's available to DJ under the name "Teen Party." You can follow him on Twitter here.
