Baller Ass European Toothpaste

Yo, how fancy are your toiletries, B? And I’m not talking about face moisturizers or deodorant. I’m talking about toothpaste. Colgate Extra Whitening Power? FUCK YOU AND YOUR TARTAR CONTROL ISSUES. I STAY BRUSHING WITH MARVIS, SON. This shit is European. Women love when you have European accoutrement. Like, if you have a French press or those Italian stovetop coffee makers, women will love you. They’ll be like, “Oh shit, not only does his kitchen look like the "After" on Design Sponge, but he brushes with baller ass European toothpaste.” To keep it really real though, there was this magazine handing out free samples of Marvis at the entrance of Pitti Uomo when I went. All the cool dudes like Lino and Lapo and Schlossman were like, “Free samples? Bitch please, I don’t take free samples. At least not when Tommy Ton can see me.” I, on the hand, was like $FREE.99 toothpaste? YES PLEASE.” I took at least two samples every goddamn day of Pitti Uomo. Do you know how fucking fancy and European my dopp kit is now? PONTIFLEX SON*.

*Now that the Pope’s on Twitter (@Pontifex) and everyone is confusing his handle with @Pontiflex, I’m going to try and make PontiFlex a new synonym for power moves. Here’s an example: Instagram a photo of your new $500 dollar sweatpants with a caption that reads "PONTIFLEX." Let’s do this kids.