Diamonds & Wood: The First Day Of School

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Complex Original

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"Diamonds & Wood" is an ongoing series in which music critic Shea Serrano breaks down the 5 hip-hop tracks you need to hear this week.

My first year—OH MY GOD MY FIRST YEAR—what a catastrophe that was. Not the entire year, mind you. Actually, if we were to base it solely on test scores, which is (unfortunately) precisely how teachers are measured, then it was mostly successful. But the beginning parts were utter chaos.

Other than being dropped down into the invasion of Normandy, there is simply no way to fully and adequately prepare for the intimidation that 30 sets of teenage eyeballs on you carry. It is the untamed kind of energy, the most unforgiving setting, the most discombobulating of experiences. If I'm remembering correctly, I think I might've actually lost four or fives kids that first semester and I'm pretty sure a separate one was eaten by a coyote. Do you know how hard it is to explain to a parent that her 13-year-old is currently having her femurs chewed on by canis latrans? I'm saying, coyotes don't even populate Houston, man. That bitch had to walk, like, 150 miles to get to our school.

But this is my eighth year of teaching. EIGHTH. Teaching the trouble population at an inner city school.

A grizzly bear could fall out of the sky and land right the fuck on my head and I'd still be able to get a non-English speaking Vietnamese boy to understand how (and why it's important) to balance chemical equations. My eyes are education lasers, shooting megawatt beams of information through iron walls of ignorance and erroneous beliefs. No, bitch, thunder isn't the sound of God bowling, it's just heated air moving exceptionally quickly. No, bitch, Men In Black 3 isn't a true movie. It isn't even a good movie.

Monday was the first day of school in our district. I was able to spend 40 minutes with each of six classes. My Robocop brain has already formed a scouting report:

1st Period: Off period. I'll spend this time half in meetings and half planning future lessons (an activity supplemented by reading about basketball on the Internet or, if I'm feeling particularly spry, in a real, actual newspaper). Glory be to Allah for off periods.

2nd Period: This is my homeroom. There are 24 students in here, a significant portion of which are operating below grade-level reading skill (not uncommon given our area of town). There are two characters that stand out immediately. One is a football player of mine (I've coached football at the school for four years now), a tiny, big-eared charming little fellow with fast feet and a faster mouth. The other is a likeable extrovert who, when asked what his three favorite things were, listed: "drawing and fighting. I'm really good at fighting." None of the students in here will pose any real problems.

3rd Period: My tiniest class. Best I can tell, the only one that needs further evaluation is a tall kid with a lot of hair. I taught his brother two years ago (he absolutely despised me). When he came up to me and asked if I know A. S., I could immediately tell that he was his younger brother. I can only hope that J.S. is a more eager learner than A.S.

4th Period: This class will, in all likelihood, be my greatest challenge, though only because they appear to be eager, anxious learners. This was the only group of the six that asked more than one question during our time together. Oh, also, there was this exchange:

Kid: Mr. Serrano, what do I put under "Guardian's Name"?

Me: Who takes care of you?

Kid: My mom.

Me: Put her name then.

Kid: Her first name?

Me: Yes, sir.

Kid: …I don't know it.

Me: Excuse me?

Kid: I call her "mom". Can I put that?

Me: …

Kid: I'll put that.

5th Period: Off period. We've already been over this.

6th Period: My second largest class and likely the most astute. I get one class every year where I say, "Okay. These guys got it. I can push these guys from the jump." This appears to be that group. (A post-school day evaluation of their previous test scores confirms that are indeed quite capable.) At the end of the year, the entire 8th grade in the entire district is given a statewide science test. It is very difficult, but not impossible to scale. So long as I don't spend the entire year showing clips of Blood In Blood Out, these guys should do just fine on it.

7th Period: Last year, 7th period was not my most academically gifted class, but they were amongst the most spirited. I can only hope that this group will follow the trend. I don't need kids that are smart, I just need kids that are excitable.

8th Period: This is my sleeper pick. They mostly stayed quiet for our entire time together, which is either a really good thing (because they were synthesizing all of the information that I throwing at them) or a really bad thing (because they were thinking about going home and playing Call of Duty: Black Ops). Fingers crossed for the former.

How about five school-related rap songs, dudebros?

1. Kris Kross, "I Missed The Bus"

I wish you knew how much I loved this song.

2. Fresh Prince, "Parents Just Don't Understand"

Being able to say "You go to school to learn not for a fashion show" to kids everyday is basically the whole reason I became a teacher.

3. Afroman, "Back To School"

Nope, nope, nope.

4. Outkast, "Git Up, Git Out"

Yep, yep, yep.

5. Mr. Duey, "Fractions"

White teachers love making rap songs about fractions. LOVE.

Shea Serrano is a writer living in Houston, TX. His work has appeared in the Houston Press, LA Weekly, Village Voice, XXL, The Source, Grantland and more. You can follow him on Twitter here.

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