The Four Pins Guide To How To Do Sex Good

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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So, there you are, you've brought a new girl home for the night or maybe even got taken home. Things are progressing smoothly and you decide to lay down some moves. You think you know what you're doing, but—newsflash, bro—ya don't.

The scientists here at the Four Pins labs (read: me, alone in my shitty apartment) are at it again and this time we're aiming to help improve you sex doing game. We've run some simulations, calculated some numbers and discovered some shocking results unlike anything you've ever seen before. The following is a step-by-step guide aiming to teach you the proper way to put your penis in her vergina. Vergina? That can't be right. Hold up, let me check my notes real quick. Yep, that looks about right. Moving on...

Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.

1. hellasexlead

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2. touch

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3. erupt

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4. crying

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5. zipperhole

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6. yellather

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7. leavesockson

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8. roleplay

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9. ballplay

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11. TV

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12. musk

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Re-Apply Your Musk

When she's not looking, and she will be looking away in disgust a lot, trust me, take advantage of the opportunity and reapply a hearty haze of musk. Where regular stick deodorant has its limitations, some musk allows you to emerge from a mist like you're Cary Grant's "special" grandson.

13. loseerection

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Blame Her

Your blatant performance anxiety is obviously her fault. She wasn't doing it right. Make sure she knows this by irrationally yelling at her and calling her misogynistic names. Women like a man who is in charge. Show her who's boss.

15. cry

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16. sorry

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18. loveher

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20. call mom

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