The Four Pins Guide To Staying Woke

Yesterday, "President" Barack HUSSEIN Obama's much-feared #ObamaCare went into effect, wreaking havoc across millions of non-communist American households and forcing legions of freedom-lovers to...uh, actually, I have no idea what Obamacare is. But I don't have to know. I know that Obamacare is bad because Barack Hussein Obama is bad, and there's absolutely nothing you can tell me that will change my mind.

Imagine, if you will, a gigantic pile of rats fucking. As a whole, this rat orgy represents the universe, and each individual rat in the fuckpile represents a very true and real (but NOT—I repeat—NOT trill) conspiracy that is trying to destroy you. They are all connected, which is represented by the aforementioned mass of ungodly ratsex. You need to be aware of each and every one of these grave issues facing us, including, but not limited to: The Obama Decepticon™, Bush Did 9/11, The Bilderberg Group/Illuminati, Paul Is Dead, Tupac Is Alive, Evolution, Creationism, The Stock Market, Drawings Of Penises Being Inserted Into Frames Of Disney Animated Movies, Papoose Isn't The King Of New York, The Moon Landing, Dr. Dre Started Burning Man, Vaccinations Control Your Mind, Flight 370 and Benghazi.

This, my friends, is called staying woke. Wokeness requires CONSTANT VIGILANCE. You cannot stray from being woke, not even for a second. Because if your state of woke lapses, locusts will descend upon you, blood will pour from your eyes, your bottle of Dasani will immediately catch fire and Obama himself will pop up out of the floor and give you an atomic wedgie.

"But Drew," you’re probably saying, "how can I #staywoke when the human body requires sleep?" Well, you're goddamn lucky, Stranger on the Internet, because I have written the ultimate guide for staying woke right here on this very website, and arranged it in the form of a fun-to-follow slideshow!

Drew Millard wrote this while gone off that Nuvo. You can read more of his work on Noisey and follow him on Twitter here.

  • Dsquared2

    Dafuq did I just read?

    • Prince Gumball

      A joke piece?

  • x97sfinest

    I thought woke was staying on top of the newest shit

  • Dillon

    Drew Millard & Angelo = worst piece of shit writers in existence

  • C.J.Wainscott

    You just get a case of logorrhea and think it would be a good idea to dump your inane thoughts upon us? Well…yeah, that’s the internet, but your editor should still be fired. This was pointless and way more weird and random than it was funny. :slowclap: for getting us to click.

  • TJay


  • Prince Gumball

    Chingy’s Instagram will keep me woke forever

  • mike

    this is gold

  • JBL

    Holy dick this writer is stupid as fuck